Tag Archives: Things Gay People Say

The Guysexual’s Guide To Every Diva In The World

kardashian

There’s a popular misconception that all gay men are divas, but as a marginalised group, it is no surprise that they are often characterised stereotypically. Prior to the past two decades, gay men’s portrayal in the mainstream media has been rather minimal, and when they do make it to the screen, their characters are constructed out of clichés.

‘Oh! He wears prints?’
‘He must be a diva.’
‘Could you hear him cackling all the way across the room?’
‘Definitely a diva.’
‘Who else can carry off bubblegum pink?’
‘That’s diva 101.’
‘How else can he be dressed to kill every single time I see him?’
‘He wrote the Guide To Being A Diva, I tell you.’

But that’s the thing. The Diva is not necessarily your man of fashion – he’s not the stereotypical fashion designer or the bitchy stylist you meet at the bar. The Diva hides in plain sight, he’s everywhere: the accountant from work, your next-door neighbor, your friend’s colleague, the jock from high school, you.

The Diva is like Batman – an ordinary man by day, a caped crusader (albeit with pleated pants) by night – only this vigilante rids the world of bad manners and bad dressing sense. Want to know how to sort out the fabulous from the fabulist? Here’s the Guysexual’s guide to every gay diva in the world:

*

The Diva says things like, “We’ve got the same numbers of hours as Beyoncé does.”

He actually believes it.

*

Perpetually 26, his Sundays are Instagram-ready hours of lazy brunches, infused cocktails, and Pinterest-worthy desserts that he swears he won’t take a bite of.

The Diva will call you ‘his cookie’, but we know he wants to bite you.

*

The Diva’s favourite adjective to describe himself is also his most-searched word on Google: flawless.

*

The Diva quotes Diet Sabya.

*

The Diva feels that hipsters try too hard. He also splits up his styles into nine different categories: Formal, semi-formal, casual, semi-casual, street-chic, party-chic, disco-chic, somber and straight acting.

*

The Diva air-kisses and airbrushes so much, he can list it as a skill on his LinkedIn.

He probably has.

*

The Diva eats quotes by RuPaul for breakfast. He washes them down with a no-foam, soy milk latte and sarcasm.

*

If the Diva had longer hair, he’d flip it more often.

*

The Diva has an intense seven-step exfoliating ritual. Nine, when he’s going out for drinks.

*

He won’t drink beer, because a pint is the equivalent of seven slices of white bread (which he won’t touch). On days when he wants to let loose, he’ll have a few gin and tonics, and load them up with cucumber slices or almond bitters.

But he’ll tell you that a ‘Skinny Bitch’ is his official go-to drink. That’s also what his friends call him behind his back.

*

The Diva scrolls through Gigi Hadid’s Instagram feed at the dentist’s.

*

The Diva plans to start a crowd funding campaign to bring the Queer Eye boys to India. He has quotes by Jonathan Van Ness up on his wall. It’s all very tastefully done.

*

The Diva rates the boys he dates. He has a 4.2 rating on Uber.

*

The Diva likes his drama just the way he likes his A/W Fashion Week: with access to front row seats.

*

At least five supermodels call him their best friend, and swear that they’d die to see him in a fulfilling relationship. They wouldn’t try setting him up with any of their other (read: obviously less close) gay friends though.

*

One time, he sat next to an A-list actress on an airplane, and she told him ‘he was very pretty’. He’ll tell you it was Priyanka Chopra, but he told somebody else that it was Sonam Kapoor.

*

The Diva can’t decide whether he’s team Madonna or team Cher, but secretly, he’s team Britney.

*

The Diva hates sapiosexuals. He thinks they wear their attitude wrong.

*

The Diva might be clueless about stock options, but he can reference any shoe brand by their make and catalogue number.

*

The Diva has a RompHim jumpsuit in his online shopping cart. He plans to buy it for his birthday.

*

The Diva likes to call his aesthetic sense ‘quirky’. His haters (that’s what he calls them) seem to think it’s more ‘whimsical’.

*

The Diva references Keeping Up With The Kardashians on a regular basis. Over multiple bottles of Moet Chandon and bite-sized nibbles of overpriced cheese, he’ll tell you he feels like a ‘Khloe’. But he’s a Scott Disick.

*

The Diva Instagrams his takeaway cup of cold brew coffee every morning because he thinks frappuccinos from Starbucks are ‘too mainstream’, unless it’s a Unicorn frappuccino.

*

The Diva dreams of marrying the Boy (it’ll be a white wedding), and he regularly leaves thirsty comments on his Instagram feed. They always go unnoticed.

*

With his undeniable wit and free-for-all sass, the Diva is every straight girl’s wet-dream-come-true: because he’s a fashion-spouting sounding board that she doesn’t even have to friendzone. Like they say, he’s the perfect summer accessory.

I’ll tell you a secret? The Diva feels the same way about her.

The Guysexual’s Guide to Every Gay Man’s Treasure Chest of One Liners

 

Guilty

Gay men are a lot of things.

We might come in a variety of shapes and sizes, and have temperaments as diverse as the cast of Grey’s Anatomy, but it all boils down to one thing in the end — as homosexual men, we are a storehouse of corny one-liners, sassy quips and stereotypical jokes that’ll put all the Kardashian Sisters (even the new ones) to shame. Don’t believe me?

Well, whether you are a red-blooded activist who churns out slogans for breakfast, or a social butterfly who sleeps when it’s time to have breakfast, it’s a given that we’ve all been guilty of having said at least a few of these (often cringe worthy) well-worded gems:

Continue reading The Guysexual’s Guide to Every Gay Man’s Treasure Chest of One Liners

Meet The Men 3.0: The Sapiosexual

Sapiosexual firstpost

 

Ranveir, 27, is a high-profile accountant with a high-profile MNC.
And yes, that’s how he describes himself.

He likes his matcha tea and his sourdough bread, and twice a month, he likes walking his dog on weekends. Ranveir guffaws at racist jokes, and occasionally ghosts a nice guy because ‘things are moving too fast, and I can’t handle all the expectations of this relationship’.

While the fact that he spells his name that way might ring a warning bell, something else seals the deal.

Ranveir is a self-proclaimed sapiosexual. How does it change anything?

Let’s get it straight. The word sapiosexual is thrown around as casually as the phrase ’sane and sorted’ is used on Grindr. It’s a security blanket used by boys to keep the douchebags away (completely unaware that it makes them sound like one too), assuming it’s going to draw in a string of smart, suave and eligible men straight to the bedroom (and beyond). But that’s the thing.

All the smart, suave, eligible men are taken.
And they don’t call themselves sapiosexuals.

Continue reading Meet The Men 3.0: The Sapiosexual

The 50 Things You Hear At Every LGBT Party

Intro 1x1

  1. ‘Wait. Is this only entry? I thought it was cover.’
  2. ’I wasn’t going to show up, but then I had nothing else to do…do you have a light?’
  3. ‘Hey, hi! Do you think I can borrow a cigarette from you? Benson Lights? Sure, anything will do.’
  4. ‘Is he looking at me? Wait, is he looking at you? Okay, the first one to talk to him takes him home tonight.’
  5. ‘I think I need a shot…make that two. Can you pay for these? I forgot my credit card in my other wallet today,’
  6. ‘That shirt on those pants? He’s such a fashion disaster – he should be happy he’s cute!’
  7. ‘I might have made out with that boy at the party last month, but I am not very sure. It was so dark…’
  8. “ Oh damn! I slept with him! And him! Yikes, and the third one too!’
  9. ‘Do you think I can survive on one beer all night long?’
  10. ‘OMG, where have you been? You disappeared! I haven’t seen you since…. oh wait, we ran into each other at the last one.’
  11. ‘Can we please leave before closing bell? I hate making small talk when the lights are back on,’
  12. ‘So gay parties aren’t usually my thing, but I wanted to come check out what the hype is all about…oh hold on, I see a friend, I’ll talk to you later?’
  13. ‘Is it just me, or are the lights dimmer than usual?’
  14. ‘Oh, you wear sandals? How cute.’
  15. ‘That new Adele song? Story of my life.’
  16. ‘Can I have a mojito? Hello? Hello? Umm, Mr. bartender?’
  17. ‘I want to go pee so badly, but all the stalls are full, and I am too intimidated to use the urinals, you know what I mean?’
  18. ‘Ughhh. This party is full of people I didn’t want to run int-…heyyy! What are you doing here? We were just talking about how lovely the crowd is today!’
  19. ‘…And that’s exactly why you should never ever be a part of an orgy!’
  20. ‘Sorry, but this might seem awkward, but what’s your name again?’
  21. ‘Seriously, do you have any idea where the after party is at?’
  22. ‘I totally don’t mind being objectified right now.’
  23. ‘Did you see how he had his tongue down his throat? So sick. Think someone will make out with me like that?’
  24. ‘Oh god, oh god, hide…it’s my ex!’
  25. ‘Why did you leave me alone and go? Now stand right here while I scout the rest of the party!’
  26. ‘ If his t-shirt gets any tighter, he would look like a mannequin. A hot one, but a mannequin nonetheless.’
  27. ‘…And this funny thing happened, where I told him I might have accidentally slept with his twin brother too…’
  28. ‘This party is so boring; I should have just stayed home tonight. Wait, while you are heading to the bar, get me a beer? No, wait…make it a Long Island Iced Tea.’’
  29. ‘The music is so
  30. ‘Did you see what he was wearing; it’s so hideous tha – … oh, hi! How are you doing? I absolutely love what you are wearing today!’
  31. ‘Damn, I wish someone comes and buys me a drink.’
  32. ‘Oh my god! It has been so long since I saw you last? Where have you been?’
  33. ‘So where were you pre-drinking?’
  34. ‘So where are we drinking after?’
  35. ‘Have you seen how expensive the drinks are here, I am going to wing it with only one beer for the rest of the night…’
  36. ‘I would go and smoke outside but it’s so hot. Do you think the air conditioning is on?’
  37. ‘If I were him, I wouldn’t be wearing that pink dress jacket here. Actually, I wouldn’t wear it anywhere…’
  38. ‘Want to stand in the corner and make fun of everyone?’
  39. ‘…Why are you surprised to see them together? Didn’t you hear – they are an item again.’
  40. ‘The last time I was here, I got so wasted, I don’t remember a thing. There are videos somewhere, but I’d rather not see them…’
  41. ‘Is he checking me out? Tell me, is he checking me out?’
  42. ‘That’s a seven, and that’s a five, oh no wait, I think he’s a four…’
  43. ‘Do you think they saw me? Okay, pretend to say something really serious so that it looks like we don’t want out conversation to be disturbed.’
  44. ‘I think he was wearing the same outfit the last time around.’
  45. ‘Does anyone know where the after party is happening?’
  46. ‘You are getting there at 10? Who gets there that early? People would think you don’t have a life.’
  47. ‘You want to come back to my place? I have a great collection of jazz music…’
  48. ‘Don’t you think the crowd was better last time around?’
  49. ‘I am going to play a game where I count the number of people I’ve slept with.’
  50. ‘I’ve heard rumours that there are lines happening in the bathrooms…’