Tag Archives: The Hipster Handbook

The Guysexual’s Guide To Ghosting: Vol. III

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Cutting something out of your life only works when it involves one of these four broad categories: complex carbohydrates, processed sugar, cheap vodka and bad vibes. But that’s about it.

I’ll let you in on a secret. It’s not the same when it involves people.

As Arvind learnt the hard way (in the first of my terrifying three-part guide to ghosting), getting left in the lurch can truly be a haunting experience. People like to see death and destruction in horror films, not necessarily their relationships — and while dealing with it can be a terrifying ordeal (only made better with these life hacks), it’s fair to say that it’s a whole new ball game when you are sitting on the other side of this Ouija board of online dating.

Continue reading The Guysexual’s Guide To Ghosting: Vol. III

The Five Other Guys You Will Meet On Grindr

 

5 other grindr guys

We’ve already established that Grindr is a supermarket for gay men.

Whether you are shopping for turnips or torsos, you’d find some templates that will never fade away, just like the hickey from last Christmas — you’ve stared at the Torso’s six pack abs, shared salted peanuts with the Tourist and had your stress spots worked on by the Masseur, all in a previous version of The Five Different Guys You Meet On Grindr.

But has there ever been a dearth of men (and stereotypes) on everyone’s favourite hookup app?

Not really. While you haggle over beets and biceps at your neighborhood supermarket of sex, here are an additional five guys we’ve all had a dalliance with on Grindr:

1. The Druggie

The druggie comes in all shapes and sizes — tall, short, rugged, lean, stocky, smooth, and hairy — all marked by their characteristic glazed expression, and a nose that sniffs (but never runs). What does he run instead? His very own drug cartel on your friendly dating app — he’s sort of like Pablo Escobar, but without the killing and the love for cigars. The Druggie replaces his ‘Hi’s with ‘High Fun’s and always wants to know whether your ‘MDMA got you feelin’ like a champion.’ He sells everything from poppers to crystal meth (and even weed, to the less adventurous) and for the record, will only feel like breaking the bed when he’s Breaking Bad.

At the end of a really fast drug-fuelled day, our resident thrill seeker can only promise you one of two things — three hours of happiness or a trip to the urologist.

Either way, you might need a one-way ticket to rehab.

2. The Sapiosexual

If you eagerly text the Sapiosexual thinking that you’ll be able to have an in-depth debate about Syria’s refugee crisis or Rumi’s soulful poetry, you are almost certainly going to be disappointed. Being a sapiosexual, he craves intelligence, but you don’t need to ask the dictionary what it means, because he’ll tell you himself. However, a few texts with Mr Intelligent, and you’d realise that the only interesting thing about our friend here is the fact that he actually believes that Math will arouse him.

The word Sapiosexual is thrown around as casually as the phrase ‘sane and sorted’ on Grindr. It’s a security blanket he uses to keep the douchebags away, but he’s not fully aware that it makes him sound like one himself. The sapiosexual doesn’t throw any big words your way; he only throws questions — ‘what do u do?’, ‘Whr do u liv?’, ‘wnna meet nw?’ — for someone who craves intelligence, he doesn’t crave grammar much. But what else can you expect from someone who would confuse Stephen Hawking with Stephen Fry?

At the end of the day, how do you tell the sapiosexual from someone who can actually have an interesting conversation? Exactly six sentences in, he throws the quintessential question your way:
‘Do u has a dick pic?’

And that’s when you toss your brains out.

3. The Spambot

With his blonde hair, ripped body and good-natured face, the Spambot is your classic all-American frat boy. If he’s not flashing his dentist-approved smile, he’s probably flashing his washboard abs — his picture usually has him grinning cockily into a bathroom mirror, flashing both, with an expression that says, ‘Hey! What’s up? Are you ready for some lovin’?’

The spambot is thus, the perfect fix for your weekend. Only, he’s not real.

He begins with a simple, succinct ‘How do you do?’ and then trudges through a series of deeply NSFW sexts irrespective of how you respond. As you continue playing your very confusing game of textual table tennis, he asks you (very seductively) if you wish to watch him jerk off on his webcam. You politely refuse, but he sends you a dubious link anyway — one that would probably give your phone the digital version of Herpes.

The only giveaway to the Spambot’s otherwise blank profile? His height, listed at a meek 123 cms.

4. The Ghost

The Ghost is the Ranveer Singh of Grindr — he’s funny, not LOL funny, but actual ‘laugh out loud’ funny. The man gets pop culture references and sometimes, even plays Ping-Pong with them. He likes cats, loves Korean food and Netflix binges more shows than you do. He disses Haruki Murakami and swears by your favourite Margaret Atwood book. He’s someone you slowly see yourself spending the rest of your life with, as you text flirt with each other through countless late nights. Why is such a great guy single, you wonder?

And just when you are deciding whether you should buy matching towels or not, he disappears on you.

‘Hello?’
‘Hello?’
‘Hello?’

He’s gone without a trace, retreating into the ones and zeros to haunt another corner of the digital universe. That night as you cry yourself to sleep, you realise you’ll never see him again.

5. The One

The One is the perfect man you’ve been dreaming about, right since you bumped into your first Not Pictured (from our original five guys you meet on Grindr) — he’s the Prince Charming you get at the end of the really dark, depressing tunnel.

And it’s been a long ride indeed. The One’s dating profile is the missing jigsaw piece to yours. He’s everything The Ghost was and more. You click with him immediately, and give him your number even before your first conversation is over. He furiously texts you over the next few days until you work up the courage to call him one night, right after you down a few shots to calm your nerves.

His voice is the deep baritone you imagined. You giggle at all the right spots as he sets up a date (in a decently expensive restaurant where they serve soup in small plates). When you do meet each other, you realize that you are hopelessly falling in love. He’s your ‘everything perfect’. What do you tell people when they ask you how you met?

You’ll lie and tell people that you met while in the line at Starbucks, and you’ll continue your whirlwind romance right until the very end. But what do you do if it doesn’t work out with the One?

Well, there’s a Two, a Three, a Four and so on.

Meet The Men 1.0 : The Hipster

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We are almost halfway through 2017.

They say the age of the hipsters might be finally coming to an end, but can gay men ever let a good thing go?

We are still here, writing in our moleskin notebooks, riding our 12-gear bikes, using our organic moustache wax and stocking up on our ironic print t-shirts. It’s safe to say that the gay hipsters aren’t disappearing into the dregs of their black coffee mugs just yet. Jahangir, 27 and Subhashish, 26, would agree. The creative designer and casting director share an apartment in one of the quieter back alleys of Mumbai — a home that is littered with curios, knickknacks and pop culture references.

And they don’t plan to leave anytime soon. Do you want to know what makes the quintessential gay hipster, apart from his love for beer, bowties and his beard? Here are a few helpful hints:

The hipster doesn’t own a television. He’ll also make sure he tells everyone he knows about it. While on a date. At a casual lunch. During a work meeting. At a birthday party. In the bus. At the grocery store. While at a funeral.

He has his own complicated order at the coffee shop: like a Grande, iced, sugar-free vanilla latté with soymilk. It’s his standard go-to drink every morning on his way to work (as a graphic designer at an independent media house).

But most often, the barista can’t make it, so he has a large decaf.

He had a Tumblr profile back in 2012 that was called the TheUnfairKnightReturns. It is an archive of his button poetry, millennial rap and a motley collection of dark and depressing thoughts. He doesn’t like talking about it.

His best friend makes organic hemp t-shirts, which he freely wears and advertises. He’s always equipped with a card for her Facebook page. It doesn’t list any numbers, but has a standalone QR code.

The Hipster owns a coffee table book with vaguely pornographic pictures. It’s usually on top of his bedside drawer because he doesn’t have the money to invest in a coffee table.

He talks about how he hates Forever 21 — and yet it looks like all his clothes came from there. Especially when they have their clearance sales.

He saw 13 Reasons Why, but thought the book was a lot better than the Netflix original. He even wrote a long rant on Facebook pointing out all the differences between the two — all thirteen of them.

The Hipster believes in participating in No Shave November. All year around.

He buys all his groceries from the farmer’s market — you’d know because he Snapchats the entire experience.

And then he’d make it his Instagram Story, so that no one misses out.

He has five sets of bowties: casual, semi-casual, formal, party and street-chic-that-shows-I-don’t-care-about-trying-to-hard.

He doesn’t watch Game Of Thrones, because ‘it’s become so mainstream’. He won’t think twice before telling you that he’s read all the books though. Right down to all the companion books.

Sometimes, he bicycles to work.

He’ll complain about how the city just doesn’t have the space, or the infrastructure for cyclists. He’ll still use UberPool.

He rolls his eyes when people tell him they listen to EDM. He rolls his eyes even more when they tell him they haven’t heard of his favourite indie (but also very obscure) band. He gives up when they say that they think Alt-J is cool.

He’ll pester you to try out seaweed, which is the new kale, which was the new quinoa.

The Hipster doesn’t love flannel. He lives it.

For your birthday, he’ll gift you a mixed tape of all his favourite indie music. He’ll make you play it at the party.

If not that, he’ll gift you a potted miniature cactus. It’s a little sapling from the terrarium he’s working on.

He has an Instamax camera that he takes pictures of. The camera is in mint condition, and looks best when edited with the Juno filter on Instagram. It’s hidden away in his closet, and only makes an appearance when his friends are over, or when he’s packing a suitcase for a holiday.

Which would most definitely be a backpacking trip across Vietnam and Cambodia.

His favourite author is Margaret Atwood, and he’s read Handmaiden’s Tale twice. He cried the second time.

He knows the show adaption won’t be half as good.

But he’ll still live stream it the moment it releases.

He’ll deny it, but he got excited when he heard IKEA might open up a warehouse in the country.

When he realised that was a rumour, he commiserated by drinking an entire bottle of Coca Cola. It’s a secret he’ll take to the grave.

The last time the Hipster ate at a McDonalds was back in 2013. You remember because he tells you every time you meet him.

He’ll make faces at you when you devour your burger nonetheless.

He’ll swear that The Royal Tenenbaums is his favourite film by Wes Anderson, whom he adores. He scoffs at you when you tell him you thought Fantastic Mr Fox was cute. He’s not heard of Moonrise Kingdom.

He has a typewriter that he typed out quotes by Charles Bukowski from. They are all framed and hung in his living room. The typewriter hasn’t been used ever since. He covers it up with fairy lights.

He gets pissed at his flat mate for not knowing what sourdough bread is.

The Hipster constantly bums off cigarettes off people while out at a pub, claiming he doesn’t smoke. He looks bummed off if you don’t have a Davidoff. He’ll have a Marlboro in that case, because ‘Classic Milds just doesn’t do it for him.’

He has a manicured beard that looks like a permanent five o’clock shadow. He pays extra so that it looks just the right amount of messy. The stylist is given a free pass to NH7 so that she won’t tell anyone.

When he does run into the stylist at a music festival, he’ll pretend she’s a friend he has ‘collaborated’ with.

It was an art project that was so niche, they’ve been told not to talk about it.

He drinks only artisanal beer, and likes to tell people how ‘beer is the new wine’.

He absolutely despises brands. But he’s still counting down the days for the big iPhone 8 launch. It’s marked as a reminder on his iPhone 7.

He doesn’t believe in credit cards.

He’ll always be short of cash while splitting the cheque with his date.

And that’ll probably be you.