Here we are.
It’s Valentine’s Day.
Things are going well, and you’ve finally managed to sink your claws (and your teeth, if you are lucky) into that perfect guy, just a few days short of Hallmark’s highest grossing holiday.
In fact, it’s never been better. You’ve had half a dozen great dates, with half a dozen happier endings — he’s clean behind the ears, dresses well and can even sustain a conversation (and more) well until the wee hours of the morning. What can possibly go wrong? He’s the opposite of every Taylor Swift single.
But hold on, you have to test drive the goods before you get onto the much-discussed boyfriend bandwagon — is he the ‘One’? Would he mind being called the ‘One’? Most importantly, is he the ‘One’ you want to get ‘one-on-one’ sangrias with on Valentine’s Day?
Don’t have the answers to any of these questions yet?
Well, just wind up your paramour through these 10 tests before you seal the deal (or book the table), and decide to change your Grindr status to ‘Committed’:
1. Ask him to eat a submarine sandwich in front of you.
Is he fast, sloppy and unaware that the mustard relish is dripping down his front? Choose wisely – because, if you’ve still not sealed the deal with the boy, this is an exclusive preview of what it’s going to be like when he goes down on you.
2. Switch off the Wi-Fi when he’s working.
His level of irritation is inversely proportional to how essential it is for you to date him in the long run (unless of course, he’s in the middle of a very important presentation, in which case, you are the one no one should commit to).
3. Tell him to joke about your best friend.
This is a trick question: no one makes a joke about your best friend.
4. Get him to drive.
Does he speed through signals? Drives in a zigzag as if he were in an arcade game? Is he a honker? (That was another trick question: No one should be a honker!) It’s time to zip off in your own car.
While people who can’t drive are of the sexiest variety, you can still check up on him by sharing a cab – if he backseat drives and complains about how the air conditioner doesn’t work, he’s probably not the right guy for you. Why?
Because he’s a downright d**chebag.
5. Ask him to make a cup of coffee.
Pours the milk last? Doesn’t beat the coffee? Makes it that dull milky brown that you’ll never touch? No, no and an extra no. Plus, if he can’t even make a simple cup of coffee, he’s not ready to be in a real relationship yet.
6. Go on a weekend trip.
There are a thousand things that can go wrong when you spend 48 (or more) hours in each other’s company away from home. From flat tires, delayed flights to overbooked hotels – you have the potential to fight about anything from who sleeps on the right side of the bed to which one of you takes the cheap shampoo bottles back home. Well, think of it this way, if it doesn’t work out, you can always leave him behind.
7. Make him meet your most annoying acquaintance.
If he makes it through the night without rolling his eyes, nudging you or giving you the blank stare, then he’s someone you should sign up for right away. Any man who can see you at your worst (at making friends) definitely needs to see you at your best every day. Just make sure you tell him that he doesn’t need to see your awful friend ever again, otherwise he’d be the one reading this guide to replace you.
8. Take him to a restaurant with really bad service.
If he doesn’t roll his eyes, talk rudely to the wait staff, make faces at the food or tut loudly whenever the manager passes by; he’s the well-mannered guy you’ve been waiting for all your life.
9. Ask him what he thinks about feminism.
If he goes on a rant about how women already have equal rights, and how he could do with a seat on the bus instead; I’ll go on a longer rant about why you shouldn’t pursue him any further.
Because like his opinion, he’s clearly not worth it.
10. Call him.
Don’t judge him if he doesn’t pick up your call – he could be driving, at work, in a meeting, using the washroom, saving a baby from a burning building or even worse, dead. Reserve the judgment for when he doesn’t call back.
But then again, it probably means he doesn’t want to date you either.