Tag Archives: The Guysexual’s Guide

The Guysexual’s Brutally Honest Review Of Bumble

 

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Contrary to what we will tell you, gay men are obsessed with the idea of finding a sense of normalcy. This implies that gay men are obsessed with the idea of finding companionship.

But what does that mean?

We are obsessed with dating apps. We live them. We breathe them. We devour them. We can’t have enough of them. If you’ve been an avid reader of this column, you’ve probably read all ten of the brutally honest dating app reviews I covered last year. But it’s 2019, and I’ve got more ground to cover.

Without further ado, make a beeline for a fresh new beginning to last year’s hit series, and come say hi to Bumble.

What it is: Bumble may have started in 2014 as a safe space for women to ‘date, meet and network better’ by sending the first message (and making the first move), but when have gay men ever let a good thing go to waste?

We came for your fashion. We came for your sleepovers. And now, we come for your dating apps. ‘Why do the gays need to infringe on our space?’ the vilest of bigots would ask, ‘Won’t they think about the children?’ they’ll yell.

As a self-aware, self-loving gay man, let me tell you something.

If our next big love isn’t hidden behind a mesh of profiles on the dating app of our choice, there’s a very big chance he’s not waiting for us at the bar with free drinks (and if he is, there’s a chance he might give us chlamydia). He’s not waiting at the bookstore. And contrary to most rom-coms, he’s not waiting for us at the airport. Conventional ways of finding love are nonexistent for the quintessential gay man of today, so we look for every opportunity that comes our way, hungry for love — including dating apps that aren’t meant for us, in the conventional sense.

Also, we’re really bored of talking to the same people on Grindr.

How it works: Like most dating apps in the market, Bumble is a clearance sale of Facebook/Instagram profile pictures. You can swipe right to ‘Like’, or turn left to ‘Oh-I-don’t-think-so’. You collect the ones you love, and ignore the ones you don’t.

Before you start swiping, you do need to fill out your profile – a few pictures, a well-worded bio, some personal questions (but not like the ones you get asked by your nagging aunt), and a quick verification later, you are ready to start looking.

However, in this case, the app comes with three different modes to look in – date eligible men with Bumble Date, meet new people with Bumble BFF, and network with aspiring entrepreneurs with Bumble Bizz. That’s three different apps for the price of one (or if like me, you chose to go for the free version, the price of none).

But there’s a catch (if there wasn’t, would this even be a dating app?). Once you’ve matched, you only have 24 hours to strike up a conversation before your prospective partner disappears into the dregs of deleted chats and long-forgotten matches. This is a problem, yes, because sometimes it takes me longer to decide what I want to have for dinner.

Which is funny, because all I am looking for on Bumble is some dessert.

What I like about it: Bumble is the wingman you secretly pine to have in your corner. It nudges you to meet the cute guy over at the bar (with Bumble Date), pulls you into its huddle of really cool friends while asking you to join their squad (Bumble BFF), and also gets you to hustle for that perfect job you’ve been dreaming about ever since you left college (Bumble Bizz). It’s the best friend you need, but honestly, judging by your track record, don’t deserve.

When has a relationship app gone beyond the portals of romance?

Before Bumble, never.

What I don’t like about it: Bumble was first founded to challenge the antiquated rules of dating – by letting women make the first move, it literally puts them in the driver’s seat when it comes to navigating the datingscape. So what happens when the gays take over?

A lot of confusion. Who makes the first move? Is there a first move? Do we stop and ask each other ‘who’s the man and who’s the woman in the relationship’? Is the app sensitive to not stereotyping gay men? Is the app even for gay men? Before you get into a giant debate about #NotAllMen, let me stop you right there.

Bumble has bigger problems at hand. I spent all of a week sifting through a carousel of (very pretty) women, only to realise that I had to change my settings to get my preferences (and my sexual orientation) right. And once you’ve got that out of the way, it’s the interface that stings.

Yes, Bumble is the complete package when it comes to finding you your future soulmate/bff/job/Netflix original, but since it lists all your matches together, there’s a high chance you’ll be left looking like a bumbling idiot. Sure, the matches are colour coordinated so that you don’t mix them up, but what if you accidentally hit your business connection up with a ‘what’s up dawg’? What if you mistakenly ask your (rather platonic and woefully straight) future best friend out for a hookup? Or worse, what if you ask your date to write you a LinkedIn recommendation?

Rating someone according to their dating game? That’s one testimonial no one wants to see.

Bonus feature: Remember how scores of gay men complain about the constant fear of being catfished on a dating app? Imagine spending hours talking to someone whose profile pictures look like they are straight out of the GQ magazine, only to realise they’ve probably been copy-pasted from GQ.

With their video chat and voice-calling feature, Bumble lets you sort out the cool cats from the catfishes. Now if it only had a feature to sort people out according to their sexual identity…

Who is it for: For men* who don’t really have the time (or the space on their phone) to shift between LinkedIn, Facebook and the dating app of their choice.

Disclaimer: When its sole target audience of women is not using the app, of course.

Guysexual’s Grade-o-meter:

Hookability: 4/10
Compatibility: 9/10
Usability: 6/10
Downloadability: 7/1

The Potential Boyfriend Test

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Here we are.

It’s Valentine’s Day.

Things are going well, and you’ve finally managed to sink your claws (and your teeth, if you are lucky) into that perfect guy, just a few days short of Hallmark’s highest grossing holiday.

In fact, it’s never been better. You’ve had half a dozen great dates, with half a dozen happier endings — he’s clean behind the ears, dresses well and can even sustain a conversation (and more) well until the wee hours of the morning. What can possibly go wrong? He’s the opposite of every Taylor Swift single.

But hold on, you have to test drive the goods before you get onto the much-discussed boyfriend bandwagon — is he the ‘One’? Would he mind being called the ‘One’? Most importantly, is he the ‘One’ you want to get ‘one-on-one’ sangrias with on Valentine’s Day?

Don’t have the answers to any of these questions yet?

Well, just wind up your paramour through these 10 tests before you seal the deal (or book the table), and decide to change your Grindr status to ‘Committed’:

1. Ask him to eat a submarine sandwich in front of you.

Is he fast, sloppy and unaware that the mustard relish is dripping down his front? Choose wisely – because, if you’ve still not sealed the deal with the boy, this is an exclusive preview of what it’s going to be like when he goes down on you.

2. Switch off the Wi-Fi when he’s working.

His level of irritation is inversely proportional to how essential it is for you to date him in the long run (unless of course, he’s in the middle of a very important presentation, in which case, you are the one no one should commit to).

3. Tell him to joke about your best friend.

 This is a trick question: no one makes a joke about your best friend.

No one.

4. Get him to drive.

Does he speed through signals? Drives in a zigzag as if he were in an arcade game? Is he a honker? (That was another trick question: No one should be a honker!) It’s time to zip off in your own car.

While people who can’t drive are of the sexiest variety, you can still check up on him by sharing a cab – if he backseat drives and complains about how the air conditioner doesn’t work, he’s probably not the right guy for you. Why?

Because he’s a downright d**chebag.

5. Ask him to make a cup of coffee.

Pours the milk last? Doesn’t beat the coffee? Makes it that dull milky brown that you’ll never touch? No, no and an extra no. Plus, if he can’t even make a simple cup of coffee, he’s not ready to be in a real relationship yet.

6. Go on a weekend trip.

There are a thousand things that can go wrong when you spend 48 (or more) hours in each other’s company away from home. From flat tires, delayed flights to overbooked hotels – you have the potential to fight about anything from who sleeps on the right side of the bed to which one of you takes the cheap shampoo bottles back home. Well, think of it this way, if it doesn’t work out, you can always leave him behind.

7. Make him meet your most annoying acquaintance.

If he makes it through the night without rolling his eyes, nudging you or giving you the blank stare, then he’s someone you should sign up for right away. Any man who can see you at your worst (at making friends) definitely needs to see you at your best every day. Just make sure you tell him that he doesn’t need to see your awful friend ever again, otherwise he’d be the one reading this guide to replace you.

8. Take him to a restaurant with really bad service.

If he doesn’t roll his eyes, talk rudely to the wait staff, make faces at the food or tut loudly whenever the manager passes by; he’s the well-mannered guy you’ve been waiting for all your life.

9. Ask him what he thinks about feminism.

If he goes on a rant about how women already have equal rights, and how he could do with a seat on the bus instead; I’ll go on a longer rant about why you shouldn’t pursue him any further.

Because like his opinion, he’s clearly not worth it.

10. Call him.

Don’t judge him if he doesn’t pick up your call – he could be driving, at work, in a meeting, using the washroom, saving a baby from a burning building or even worse, dead. Reserve the judgment for when he doesn’t call back.

But then again, it probably means he doesn’t want to date you either.

The Beginner’s Guide to Finding (and Becoming) Great, Gay Men

 

beginner's guide

We’ve already established the world is littered with boys that you should never date.

It’s full of deplorable narcissists; self-obsessed gym freaks, dubious know-it-alls and the select few who never call back (and never give a reason for it). But hidden between the bad tastes and the bad manners are a few good men, the same ones who shine bright and right. They are the diamonds in the rough. The needles in the haystack. The gemstones on the beach. The evens in the odds.

When you do find one of these boys, pull up your socks and take them (and make some space for their toothbrush in your shower cabinet if you can) before someone else does.

Because they will. Here are twenty such boys that you need to go buy a wedding band for already:

1. Knows that if there’s no condom, there’s no sex

Even if you insist that it’s better when there’s nothing between you, which you shouldn’t. Always cover those troopers, kids.

2. Insists on splitting the cheque instead of letting you pay

The men who don’t feel like they are entitled to free drinks and a meal, just because you asked them out on a date are the best kind of men in the world. Now split your life with him, as you split that cheque.

3. Tells you his Netflix password

Without expecting you to chill.

4. Might be passive in a fight, but not passive aggressive

Leave the passive aggression for the parents, not the pretty boy sitting across you at the dinner table.

5. Doesn’t get scared of double messaging

The world would have a lot more romances if men weren’t afraid of messaging twice in a row.

6. Is honest about the way he feels

But not in the way that it’d make you cry – so you can continue eating your double scoop of chocolate chip ice cream, without worrying about the fact that he’ll tell you it’s going to make you fat.

7. Thinks that the only glass that is half empty is your glass of gin and tonic, and orders you a repeat

On the other hand, he’s a glass full of amazing.

8. Every once in a while, he also finishes your sentences

 …but will not finish your food (unless you really want him to.)

9. But at the same time, also shares his French fries with you

Why order for the table when you can order salad for yourself and guiltlessly share his fries?

10. Doesn’t think twice before telling you how he feels about you

And you shouldn’t think twice about dating him either.

11. Believes that the only games people should play are board games

He’s got his Cards against Humanity right.

12. Can hold his alcohol just like he holds your hands at the movies

Just like a whiskey baron on his ninth measure, nothing less.

13. Knows all your close friends on a first name basis

But knows that they will always be your friends first.

14. Messages you right after a date to tell you he had a fantastic time

Because if someone waits for three days to tell you they had a great time, they’d wait even longer to tell you that you are the one.

15. Holds the door open

And his mind too.

16. Respects your virtual relationship with Ranveer Singh (or any other celebrity)

Even though Ranveer Singh has no clue that he’s in one.

17. Knows that being protective and jealous are two different things

But doesn’t tell you their dictionary meanings every day at breakfast.

18. Can make a baby giggle

The only thing more attractive than men who can make a baby giggle is a baby who can make a man giggle.

19. Knows how you like your coffee

A tall Java Chip Frappuccino, with whipped cream and a hint of cinnamon and brown sugar. Can I have some extra cream please?

20. Calls you out for being an a**hole when you are being one

As he rightfully should, you d**chebag.

The Gay Man’s Urban Dictionary

Urban_Dictionary

What’s the shelf life of a clearance sale shirt? What’s the expiry date on a Grindr hookup? Do potatoes count as carbs? If you feel like a potato, are you a carb?  Do you need to kick your junk food habits out on the curb (no pun intended)? Are moccasins better than brogues? More importantly, what is a brogue?

When you are gay man, you’ll always be full of questions (when you are not full of self-doubt, that is) — but this is 2018, and some questions, while basic, — will always be more important than the others.

Take a few of these as an example.

Don’t know whether you are a top or a bottom? Do you feel it’s rude (and very inappropriate) when someone asks you whether you are a slave? Have you always wondered why your friends laughed at you when you said you loved vanilla? Are you surprised that people could be thatinto otters? More importantly, what is an otter?

It’s 2018, and it’s time for you to get with the times. Whether you are an out-and-proud gay man or an in-the-closet newbie, your dictionary of gay slang will always be as varied as your little black book of boys. So the next time someone tells you they know ‘just the right twink for your daddy charms,’ here’s a little glossary of gay slang to help you understand what they reallymean.

Bear: An older, broader hairier man who unlike his namesake, does not need to hibernate.

Beefcake: A gay man who spends most of his time at the gym, and the rest of it scooping spoonfuls of protein supplement into his post-workout shakes.

BJ: A bl*wjob, or when someone wants to make a bl*wjob sound cool.

Bottom: The receptive sexual partner; also known as ‘someone who likes taking it in’.

Buns: Butt or when someone wants to be cute about your butt.

Chubby Chaser: A gay man who likes his sexual partners just like he likes his pillows – soft and cuddly.

C*cksicle: A BJ, again. Or when someone tries to make a bl*wjob sound even cooler, but fails miserably.

Cruise: To seek casual gay sex encounters — usually in restrooms, pubs or sometimes, even by the corner streetlight, so that you can regret them the morning after.

Cub: A younger version of the Bear, heavier than the Otter. May or may not deal with body issues.

Daddy: An older, established man who likes his scotch aged and his boys, young.

Daddy Chaser: A gay man who likes his partners older, richer, but not necessarily wiser.

Discreet: A man who is either in a relationship or in denial, and wants sex on the side.

Dom/Dominant/Master: A gay man who likes to play ‘Who’s the boss?’ in bed. Sexual toys may or may not be involved.

Fagg*t: A rude thing to call a gay person.

Fairy: Another rude thing to call a gay person.

Hershey Highway: When someone wants to make anal sex sound more desirable.

Iron Closet: A gay man who is in such deep denial of his sexuality, he might never step out of the closet.

Kinky: Anything that is not Vanilla sexually, but peach apricot with hazelnuts.

Looking for Networking: A man who travels a lot and is on the lookout for vacation flings. He won’t ever call you back.

NSA: No-strings-attached casual sex, that doesn’t involve feelings or goodbye messages.

Otter: A thinner, younger version of the Bear. Has nothing to do with the animal.

Power bottom: A bottom that acts like he’s a top.

Poz: An out-and-proud HIV Positive man who’s doing what a lot of men out there are not — telling us about his status.

Slam: When someone wants to snort MDMA off your belly button.

Sub/Submissive/Slave: A gay man who likes being bossed around in bed. (Not to be confused with the derogatory term used during the American pre-Civil Rights era.)

The Closet: A place where you keep all your ridiculously expensive clothes, your snug woolens, and yourself, when you are not out to the world. In other words, a gay man who has not told anyone he’s gay.

Tonsil Hockey: When you are kissing someone so fiercely, it could be a competitive sport.

Top: The inserting sexual partner; also known as ‘someone who likes to put it in’.

Twink: A younger, smoother, cockier gay man.

Vanilla: Someone who likes his sex just like he likes his family values, traditional.

Versatile: A gay man who likes it both ways, but is secretly a bottom.

Wolf: A hairy gay man who’s neither a Bear nor an Otter but floats somewhere in between. Also, may not howl at the moon if you ask him too.

Yestergay: A gay man who now refers to himself as straight. But is not.

The Queer Guy’s Guide To 18 New Year Resolutions For 2018

 

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2017 might be coming to an end, and so are my dreams of ever finding a happy ending.

As I pretend that my seventh glass of champagne is only my second, it’s time for me to ask those questions all over again — what do I remember 2017 by? The number of boys I ghosted? The number of boys who broke my heart? The bad decisions I woke up to (and with)? The bottles of prescription drugs I wolfed? The shots I downed to forget? The hangovers I’ll never be able to forget? The hours I spent at therapy after? The resolutions I vowed to make? The resolutions I’ll effectively break?

As gay men (such as myself) parade into the New Year making resolutions (and asking questions) that we’ll only give up on a week later, here are a few that I hope that don’t get lost in the sea of confetti, cheap champagne and regrets.

Want to know what they are?

Simply slide into 2018 with this queer guy’s guide to NYE resolutions (but not like those ugly d*ck pics that slide into your Instagram DMs):

1. Ditch the dating apps, but don’t ditch out on the dates.
There really is a high chance you’ll find the next big love of your life at the bookstore, or your favourite neighbourhood bar (and we won’t judge you even if it happens at the gym.)

2. Then again, don’t lie about your age, height or weight on your online dating profile.
72 kilograms are sexy, and so are you.

3. Don’t dismiss someone who’s considerably older or younger than you are.
But make sure he’s legal.

4. Put an end to the ‘New Year, new me’.
You’ll always be you. If people could change overnight, we would never have so many seasons worth of great television.

5. Be a nicer person. If you can’t, try till you succeed.
Gay men have the potential to be a lot of things – charming, well dressed, effortless, established, articulate, artistic or even high on drugs. But still, a lot of us choose to be douchebags.

6. Take an active interest in politics.
Because some of these decisions actually prevent gay men and women from receiving equal rights; which is just plain sad.

7. Let your biggest regret this year be not eating that last cupcake.
But you should go ahead and eat it anyway.

8. Stop answering texts from the ex.
There’s a word for it. It’s called ‘ghosting’.

9. Read more, but don’t read more into what other people said to you.
Books are sexy and mysterious, just like the hot guy who makes eye contact with you at the bar (and then disappears forever). Reading online lists doesn’t count though, unless you are reading this one.

10. Do something that frightens you, not someone who frightens you.
The list can include learning how to tap dance, skydiving and eating alone at a restaurant. Things the list should not include? Having unprotected sex with a complete stranger.

11. Exercise for health, not your crush’s phone number.
If you want those six pack abs that you can eat sushi off, make sure you are doing it for yourself (side note: even though eating sushi off your stomach can be quite unsettling).

12. Be okay with being single.
There’s always 2018. And 2019. And 2020. And 2021. And so on.

13. Understand that brands don’t make the man, manners do.
Very few men who have the latest Louis Vuitton bag will want to hear about your day at work.

14. Don’t be afraid to end a relationship that’s not going anywhere.
Especially when the only place it’s going is downhill, with prescription bills.

15. Actually enjoy experiences, instead of just Instagramming them.
And if the ratatouille doesn’t look as good as it does under the Aden filter, don’t eat it.

16. Tell the next boy you like how you really feel about him.
The world would have more romances if lesser people were scared of sending two text messages in a row.

17. Stop all the self-hating.
If there’s one thing that I love more than money, it’s myself.

18. Be happier.
Go on, you deserve it.

The 12 Gifts Every Gay Man Needs This Christmas Season

 

Christmas special

The ‘Most Wonderful Time Of The Year’ is here.

That time of the year when we drink our weight in alcohol, forget our love-hate relationship with sugar, and greedily tear open gifts just to get them exchanged a couple of days later.

IT’S CHRISTMAS TIME!

Since I’ve been incredibly naughty relatively nice this year, I tried to compile a list of everything I (and other gay men) would want for the holidays. And as you can clearly see, I tried not being too selfish. (PS: It’s the season of giving after all, and all I’d want to do right now is give you ideas.)

Now pour yourself another glass of rum-infused eggnog, and scroll through my wish list just like you’d scroll through the men’s section of your favourite online shopping portal:

1. A dating app that changes everything

Goodbye, Grindr. It was great knowing you, but I think it’s not working out.

Whatever happened to good ol’ fashioned dating, you ask? 2017 did. Most dating apps are breeding grounds for fuckboys (and other such men) who’d rather have you than the crème brulee you plan to share with them after dinner. How about we go for a movie, have fajitas and cola at a hole-in-the-wall, drinks at the friendly neighbourhood gay bar (read below), and then laugh over how great a time we had over dessert before I decide whether I want to be your dessert or not?

2. A FINAL goodbye to section 377

I said it last year, and I’ll say it again. While section 377 bans consensual sex between any two consenting gay men, what it really bans is my hope for the future of humanity. It’s finally time to say goodbye to the century old law, just like it’s time to say goodbye to the ex who never called back after the seventh date.

PS: Let’s just keep the regression to our primetime soaps for now?

3. An end to homophobia and oppression

Wouldn’t that be an excellent little treat for the Yuletide season? An end to bigotry? Giftwrap it for me, please.

4. Heartwarming gay fiction

How about we see a LGBT story that doesn’t follow the same coming out trope? I want to read a love story between two men that didn’t seem like it was written by a middle schooler (or their mother) – one where the leads don’t have loose wrists, and looser morals.

Here’s to reading more gay fiction (and non fiction) that tells untold stories, books that you can snuggle up to and read with multiple mugs of accompanying hot cocoa (or a bottle of wine – who’s to judge?)

5. A lifetime supply of condoms (and lube)

Think of it as a lifetime supply of pleasure and protection. Now go wrap your troopers, just like you wrap those gifts tonight.

6. Diet love

It’s almost 2018. If we can have diet chips and diet coke, where can we get rid of the empty calories and find ourselves some diet love?

Hold the sugar.

7. Acne cream that actually works

Here’s looking at you, pimple-on-my-temple that just won’t go – If I wanted to look like my geeky high school self, I’d go back to 2004 (not really). How many of us want our skin to match our glowing personalities?

Everyone.

I am officially done with activated charcoal masks and DIY scrubs, give me something that is as effective as Taylor Swift’s shade to her string of ex boyfriends.

8. A friendly neighborhood gay bar

No, we don’t want a bar that seeks us out every other Saturday of the month – we want a bar where we can be ourselves every single day of the week. Although we might like drinks and drunken banter at the niche pub halfway across town, we’d love it a lot more if we could have them without the masks and your musky colognes.

9. Adoption rights for LGBT folk

India does not routinely allow same-sex couples to adopt a child. That’s a shame for both, couples looking to start a family, and kids missing out on one.

I think it’s safe to say that having two dads (or two mums) is better than having none – because we can all agree, the world can never have too many self-aware fashion conscious children who know the benefits or organic eating and working out five times a week, can it?

10. An Adele concert

Eighty percent of gay men will tell you (over multiple glasses of wine) that they ‘identify with Adele’s music’. The other 20 percent are lying, or simply don’t know what they want in life (much like my string of ex boyfriends).

Now how about we get an encore of ‘Someone Like You’ as we chug an entire bottle of vodka?

11. Socks

As a very important man once said, one can never have too many socks. I prefer polka dots.

12. Nicer gay men

We might have religious fanatics, bigots, homophobes and extremists in this world, but no one hates the gays like the gays themselves. The Mascs hate the queens. The gym boys hate the chubs. The cubs hate the twinks. The bears hate the daddies. The Katy Perrys hate the Taylor Swifts. Everyone hates the sapiosexuals.

This hamster cycle of homosexual hate needs to stop. How about we enter 2018 with nicer, gay men instead of entering a heated argument over who’s better – Britney Spears or Madonna?

Let’s not go there now.

Fantastic Men And Where To find Them


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Like I’ve said before, the list of places to not go looking for your next boyfriend is endless.

From the gym, to the gourmet supermarket, to your neighbourhood park — each place (and all the ensuing boys who frequent it) needs to be given a wide berth when you are trying to go from zero to Hallmark movie in the romance department.

Is it a depressing world?

Yes.

Does that mean you need to give up on the idea of finding true love?

No!

See, the list of places to not go looking for your next paramour might be a bottomless pot, but so is the list of places where you can find your next big summer fling — and I’ll tell you something — it doesn’t need to restrict itself to your neighbourhood watering hole or the local gym.

Want to know where you can find your next big (and hopefully, final) happily-ever-after? Here are my top four places to go scouting:

1. Your daily commute

Remember how they say that the journey is more important than the destination?

For most of us, commuting to work can be quite boring — travelling from point A (home) to B (work) can take almost two hours every day, which is time that you’d rather spend lifting weights at the gym, or chugging down shots at the bar.

It’s time to leave those cars at home, cross over to the public transport lane, and make things less taxing, and more relaxing. Whether your eyes sympathetically meet over a co-passenger who’s digging deep into his nose, sigh at the same instant at a delay announced over the train’s disembodied speakers, or bang into each other accidentally (of course) because of your metro’s faulty braking systems, there are potential mates lurking everywhere — and they have an open seat waiting for you right next to them.

Now, how about using your daily commute for something more meaningful — from point A straight to your new ‘B’eau’s heart?

The next time you take the train, or metro or bus to work, look up from your phones. You just might spot your next date. Hold on to the railings (or him, whichever is more convenient), and let your body do the talking. You’ll be taking the last train back (to his arms) in no time.

So are we all aboard?

Side note: If that doesn’t work for you, think about all the fuel (and money) you’ll save taking public transport to work. That’s where your gym memberships and shots at the bar come from.

2. At your work place

Anyone who says business should not be mixed with pleasure has clearly not felt the thirst as they make eye contact with the hot colleague at the water fountain.

They say that falling in love with someone at work might jeopardize your professional ethics, and might potentially make everything awkward — but isn’t everything in life awkward anyway? From tripping on your birthday cake when you turned twenty-three, to having a visible wine stain down your trousers’ front that one time at an office party, life has been one awkward marathon. So why stop there?

Being in a relationship at work only makes you work that much harder — no one likes to be given the cold shoulder by a colleague or a Wednesday morning yelling by the boss in front of someone they share an apartment with. This is not only work, it’s your relationship working out.

And the perks?

You get to carpool every day, spend boring meetings secretly texting each other across the table, and roll your eyes unanimously as your b*tch manager chomps away on his sandwich a little too loudly. It’s everything that makes a Monday morning at work seem like a Saturday night at home.

Plus, any chance you get to make your co-workers jealous is a chance well earned.

Side note: Is steamy ‘after-work hours’ sex in the pantry, a part of your bucket list?

Consider it done. Just beware of the hot coffee.

3. At the bookstore

Yes, bookshops still exist and meet cutes still happen — like they say, if it can happen in the movies, it can happen in real life. Plus, if you like to read books (and boys), it’s always best to go the source. Can you imagine cuddling with a book (and your future soul mate) and a hot cup of coffee all evening long (till the store’s working hours, obviously)?

You obviously can. But how do you meet your book-loving bibliophile for that to happen? Maybe you share a sneak peek at each other as you exchange side-eye glances at Chetan Bhagat’s most obvious plot twists, or gasp out loud together at Agatha Christie’s less obvious ones. Your hands could reach for the same Haruki Murakami masterpiece, or unanimously brush away another one of Jackie Collin’s potboilers. But what’s the best bit?

It doesn’t even matter if you are not on the same page (pun intended), because you clearly are going to be on the same book.

He finally walks over, and asks you whether you would recommend the book you are reading (Erich Segal’s Love Story, from the beginning of this chapter). You smile, and he sits down next to you. And there, as you coo about how you absolutely love the vanilla-like smell of old books, and passionately explain why a real, physical hardcover is always better than a PDF, he’ll nervously ask you out for dinner. How can you be sure?

Because, he obviously will (it’s Erich Segal’s Love Story, after all). What if he doesn’t?

Well, there’s always a discount on the bestseller’s section.

4. At a Volunteering Op

Volunteering can be amazing. For starters, you are giving back to society, and secondly, you are also teaming up with other like-minded individuals, who like you, are clearly the nicest people that make up a mere 1 percent of the world.

Take up a cause that actually matters to you (apart from your sole purpose of shacking up with a saint) so that you have a chance of ending up in Santa Claus’s list even if you don’t end up in someone else’s bed. Teach underprivileged kids. Help out at a community kitchen. Sign up for a pet adoption service. Join a beach cleaning drive.

Maybe as you clean up the shorelines of your city, you can clean up the mess your life is at the moment, by meeting someone who could be the much-needed positive influence on your life.  How about giving a chance to the wavy-haired gentleman with the deep tan and deeper dimples who’s picking up the plastic bags?

Sign me up, please. Plus, if you get to rack up some good karma as you build a ‘Habitat For Humanity’ for your heart, what’s there to complain about?