Tag Archives: Sex

Ask the Guysexual: Love And Other Drugs: Vol. 1

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Gay men have a lot of questions.

Ever had one you were too embarrassed to ask the therapist? A doubt you didn’t know which friend to turn too? A plea that had no solutions in sight? A worry that might seem small to everyone else, but was as big as your crush on Bradley Cooper?

 It’s time to hold on to those message-in-bottles, or the grand trek you plan to make to the Himalayas to question the almighty, because your truly is right here to solve all your dick-related doubts. How do I find love? Where do I meet men? How do I know if my crush is gay? Am I expected to carry condoms for a nightcap? How do I make a clean exit (pun intended) the morning after? Can I wear loafers with a cardigan on a first date? Should I wear a cardigan on a first date? Is the gorgeous man at the gym someone I should pursue over protein supplements and Pilates? Do I need protein supplements to find love?

Find answers to these questions and more in the newest #AskGuysexual feature – Love And Other Drugs: Vol. I:

 

Q. I have this tiny crush on a boy from my French class, but I think he might be slightly out of my league. Should I go tell him anyway?
– Besotted_You
A. I am going to keep this short and simple. There’s only one question you have to ask yourself. Is the boy-in-question Ryan Gosling (or insert-superstar-heartthrob-of-your-choice)?

If the answer is no, then you should just go for it – If they say no, you’ll have a laugh about it in a few weeks, become best friends because the ice will have broken – and then use the story in the toast, when you effectively end up as the best man at his beachside wedding soiree in Goa (where you will hook up with another one of the groomsmen, who you’ll eventually end up dating).

And if your answer is yes, then 200 points to you for being friends with Ryan Gosling in the first place – that’s so much swag; it needs to be sold in a clearance sale. What do you do then?

Just go for it.

 

Q. At the risk of sounding like a sex-craved maniac (which I am not), how soon is too soon to hook up with someone you’ve met on Grindr?

– EzeeA
A. Have I ever told someone that I am Grindr only to find a friend?

Yes.

Has said someone believed me when I’ve said that?

Yes.

Have I laughed out loudly and then chugged a bottle of wine shortly after?

Yes again.

Let’s face it – Grindr is a ticking time bomb for sex – it’s not only about the how or the why, it’s more about the when (and the where, but that is another story) when you are talking about hooking up with the hirsute hottie of the week.

You might not want to sound like a prick (Let’s skip dinner, shall we?) or a prude (why hello there, cobwebs of my underwear!), but ultimately, it’s your decision at the end of the day. One can bonk someone anywhere between the wide spectrum of ‘I-know-what-his-younger-brother-does’ and ‘He-thinks-my-shirt-looks-great-so-I-should-probably-sleep-with-him!’ In fact, if you even give out to someone at ‘Hey-can-I-buy-you-a-drink’, no one’s going to judge you – there’s no such thing as ‘too soon’ in Grindrsville. There’s a now, never and everything in between.

Just make sure you carry a condom.

Side note: Unless the drink is a glass of cheap wine, in which case your choice of drink is more questionable than your choice of how easily you put out.

Q. I’ve been trying to find friends on Tinder since 2015, but everyone I talk to seem to think that I only want to sleep with them. Help me out?

– K. Das
A. Most people like to think of Tinder as the supermarket for singles. You go up and down aisles, picking up the ones you look and swiping off the ones you don’t. Assume you are going to the market to buy avocadoes – you’d buy some, but then you would also end up buying cilantro. And maybe, even some jalapeños. (Side note: hey, maybe you are making some guacamole. In that case, call me over for dinner?) At the same time, some people come to only buy jalapenos. Or oranges. Or apples. Or even toilet paper (well, you get the gist.)

Finding a friend is like buying jalapeños when you want to buy avocados at the supermarket – you don’t decide to, it just happens – unless you end up buying half the hypothetical supermarket, in which case you might need a therapist or just a break from Tinder. Different people want different things, and there’s always a high chance you’d find someone who wants to buy the same thing you do (to make guacamole). All this supermarket analogy aside, here are a couple of questions you have to ask yourself.

  1. Do you have a half-naked picture of yourself up as your display picture?
  2. Are you flexing your biceps in said picture?
  3. Have you ever asked anyone to come over for some ‘Netflix and chill’ without even knowing what Netflix (and chill) is?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, chances of finding a friend on Tinder are going to be slightly more difficult than trying to read the news without having Ranveer Singh plastered all over it. You just can’t help it.

Q. I’ve a very insightful question. Can one ever find true love on Grindr?

– BroZoned4Lyf

A. People find love in the strangest places – at the supermarket (Excuse me, do you want to buy those turnips?), the coffee shop (Hey, is this seat taken?), the bar (Hi, this might sound weird but can I buys you a drink?) the book store (If you like that book, I know just the one that you should buy!) and sometimes even the dentist’s (I am here for a filling, what about you?)

Finding true love on Grindr is a lot like finding true love at any one of these places (Hello, Love your abs. Can we go get a drink?) – just because it happens online, doesn’t make it any less real – it’s like bumping into someone at the book store, only this is not a bookstore, and the bumping happens on the phone. (Side note: there’s a lot more bumping happening all around you, but let’s pretend we don’t notice it, shall we?)

Now go let Grindr be your Fairy Godmother.

Q. I’ve spent the last few nights tossing in bed because I have a huge problem. I might be developing feelings for my best gay buddy, and I don’t know what I should do. What do you suggest?

– LoveLorn2012
A. What have all great Romcoms taught us (apart from the fact that bangs are cool, and you will most likely end up with your high school sweetheart)?

That it’s easier to fall in love with the best friend than it is to fit into your jeans after you’ve had seven burritos at Taco Bell. But then again, life is no Romcom movie. Falling in love with the best friend is always a tricky thing – how close are the two of you to begin with? Do you watch an occasional movie together? Bitch out the new office intern during lunch hour? Braid each other’s hair while watching late night reruns of Grease? (Just kidding, no one braids each other’s hair anymore.)

Do gay best friends work the same way conventional best friends do? There’s always that thin shroud that cloaks every friend we come in contact with – it’s the diplomatic version of the friend-zone, only politer. One minute you are both ogling at that cute boy sitting two tables away from you at the restaurant, and the other you are trying to awkwardly avoid each other. So what do you do if he doesn’t feel the same way?

The thing about great friendships is that they can withstand anything – so if your friend can’t deal with your confession and just not let it go, he probably wasn’t that great a friend to begin with.

If that happens, you can always have a cupcake.

Have questions that you need answers to? Tweet them over to @theguysexual and get them answered in #AskGuysexual’s Love And Other Drugs: Volume II next month!

Are You Dating A #BadNewsBoyfriend?

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Twenty eight year old Prerit is a high-flying lawyer, with a high-flying life. He has a sea-facing apartment, a string of celebrity friends and a six figure American salary (with six pack abs).

A fulfilling life and a fully filled social calendar aside, Prerit is currently dating a discreet teacher who teaches primary-level English in an international school – he’s handsome, charming and articulate., and he’s everything Prerit could ever ask for. The only problem?

The Teacher’s idea of the perfect date is not at the top of a high-rise hotel, but between the sheets in the confines of his bedroom. He doesn’t believe in ‘doing dinners’ or ‘watching a movie’ (unless it stars the two of them, and is a home production). If and when Prerit prods, the Teacher tells him that ‘he likes things at his own terms, so give it a rest, will you?’

The Teacher is a classic case of the #BadNewsBoyfriend.

The #BadNewsBoyfriend is smart, good-looking and eloquent, and is usually the living representation of a Habitat For Humanity ad. He cares for the environment, he cares for the world, but he just doesn’t care for you. He might be the nicest person in the world, but he’ll still treat you like you are last weekend’s leftover egg salad (Without the kale, and the avocadoes.)

The one that even your dog won’t eat.

 Like Prerit’s lesser half, how do you know if the object of your affection is less Prince Charming, more Prince Harming? Answer these twelve questions to decide how low the (current) love of your life falls on the boyfriend scale:

  1. It’s your birthday, and your significant other is out of town. What does he do?

a.) Flies down to surprise you, complete with fireworks and a seven member jazz ensemble to serenade you all day.

b.) Calls you at midnight, and couriers you a care package.

c.) Wishes you on Facebook, and sends you a dick pic as a secret treat.

d.) Forgets it’s your birthday.

  1. On an average, he messages you:

a.) Every few minutes. In fact you had to pause taking this quiz, because you were replying to his text.

b.) You wake up to a good morning text, and put yourself to sleep to a good night ping.

c.) Once a day.

d.) Once every week, usually at midnight. Especially when he’s alone. Even more so when he’s horny.

  1. You plan a hypothetical threesome with a celebrity. Your boyfriend chooses:

a.) No one. He can’t think of anyone to share you with.

b.) Ryan Gosling. Have you seen those perfect cheekbones and those kind eyes?

c.) Ranveer Singh, in red underwear.

d.) Hypothetical? He’s already in bed with two guys. Neither is a celebrity, nor is it you.

  1. You’re just back from a nice date, and ping him to tell him you had an amazing time, he:

a.) Replies immediately, with a wedding ring emoji.

b.) Replies within the hour, asking to see you the same weekend.

c.) Replies the next day, with a succinct, ‘let’s hang soon.’

d.) Never replies.

  1. For a quick getaway, you both plan to head to:

a.) Paris

b.) A secluded beach that is a two-hour drive away

c.) The neighborhood mall

d.) Your bedroom

  1. His idea of a casual date for the weekend would be:

a.) Whisking you off to the hills for a panoramic lunch by the Himalayas.

b.) Brunch at your favorite restaurant, with endless mimosas and endless handholding.

c.) A movie, followed by two tacos and a soda to share. Dessert (amongst other things) at home after.

d.) Four hours of NSA sex. Which might include you.

 

  1. The last time you guys hung out, he took a cute picture of the two of you. What does he do with it?

a.) Prints it out and sends it to you through snail mail, attached with a love note.

b.) Puts it up on Instagram with a heartwarming caption. Counts the Likes and tells you about it.

c.) Lets the picture rot away in his archive of spam emails, forgotten contacts and undeleted messages.

d.) Threatens to out you to your parents and the police using the photograph as evidence. Blackmails you for money, and then uses it to holiday with his actual boyfriend. Who’s twice as hot as you are.

  1. At 8: 30 PM, he’s:

a.) With you.

b.) Talking to you.

c.) Doing this own thing, who knows?

d.) M.I.A for the past week, with a ‘last seen at 8:29 PM’.

  1. The last time you had a real heartfelt conversation with him was:

a.) Today. It felt like a Pablo Neruda poem.

b.) Two days ago, after a particularly poignant date.

c.) What’s a heartfelt conversation like?

d.) Does having him send you a dick pic count?

  1. You run into his friends while out on a date, and then he:

a.) Blushes, and introduces you as a date.

b.) Nonchalantly tells them that you are a friend.

c.) Says that you are a second cousin who’s visiting from out of town.

d.) Pretends that you don’t exist.

  1. In the middle of argument, your paramour:

a.) Apologizes and says he’ll never upset you again. Buys you a car to say that’s sorry.

b.) Realizes that things are getting out of hand, and reasons with you. You have amazing make up sex after.

c.) Can’t handle it, and breaks up with you.

d.) Hits you (or threatens to).

  1. A song that reminds you of him:

a.) ‘La Vie En Rose’ by Edith Pilaf.

b.) ‘Yellow’ by Coldplay.

c.) ‘Someone Like You’ by Adele.

d.) ‘Starboy’ by the Weeknd.

 

Mostly A’s:

Like unicorns, mermaids and a size XL at the Zara store, the type A guy doesn’t exist. Perfect men are usually found in whitewashed romcoms and mushy romance novels, not in the dregs of the dating pool. The slim chance that a real-life version of Ryan Gosling’s character from The Notebook shows up on your doorstep (or right swipes on your Tinder profile), he’s only going to resent you when you can’t match his Cartier care packages and Balloon rides across Tuscany with overwhelming displays of affection of your own.

 

That’s not if you are overwhelmed by him in the first place.

 

Mostly B’s

 

Bring out the boyfriend shirts, because this one is a keeper. Somewhere between the eagerness of the type A and the aloofness of type C is your perfect Boy Next Door B. Like butter is to bread, Nutella is to your life, and Kanye West is to Kim Kardashian, this one’s the side B to the side A of your mix tape of love songs.

 

Mostly C’s:

 

We might not be there yet, but you still have to tread with caution with this one. The C type is a ticking time bomb that sways dangerously between ‘I-am-going-to-make-this-work’ and ‘Oh-my-god-how-do-I-get-out-of-this?’ One minute he’s passionate and pulling you closer and the very next, he’s pushing you away to the next boy (or next mistake, because that’s what it will be).

 

At the end of the day, remember that Mr. C is only one Ed Hardy t-shirt (and a twelve pack of beer) away from spilling the contents off your heart all over the floor.

 

Side note: he’ll probably spill the beer too.

 

Mostly D’s:

 

Texts that go unanswered, affection that goes unrealized and money that goes missing? Congratulations! You’ve hit the jackpot on the #BadNewsBoyfriend scale.

 

SPOILER ALERT: This is not going to end well – too many D’s can only lead to one thing: destruction. Our boy in question is so wrong; he could be the front-page headline for bad news.

 

And if that still doesn’t convince you, never forget that D stands for douchebag.

 

The Guysexual’s Guide To Being The Boy

 

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Like the It Girl, The Boy is every stereotypical gay man’s wet dream – he’s the main character of every queer romance novel, and is the (secretly gay) gentleman who all the girls fight tooth and manicured nail over on primetime television. Everyone knows The Boy – he’s spoken about at wine soirees, intimate house parties and exclusive bars, or cooed over at Sunday sundowners, gallery openings and garden bistros (invite only). The society wives call him the most eligible bachelor in town, and although their husbands don’t like him, they all play golf together every second Sunday of the month – in short, he’s everything I’ve ever wanted to be.

In my opinion, The Boy is as much of a slice of perfection as he is a figment of imagination – he’s like an alternative, much-nicer version of Mr. Darcy from Pride and Prejudice, without being the douchebag in the beginning.

But who is The Boy? Where does he come from (and where does he go)? Do you know The Boy? Could you be the boy?

If you don’t have a clue, here’s a checklist that might help:
Continue reading The Guysexual’s Guide To Being The Boy

A 25 Other Boys Not To Date This Summer

For every right guy that you would want to find, you’d find a hundred wrong ones.

Wrong men are everywhere. They are at the bar, buying you a drink. They are at the bookstore, flipping through the latest Murakami novel, while smiling at you from the corner of their eye. They are even writing these very words that you are reading right now.

25 guys 1x1

Or maybe the wrong guy is doing one of these things, and you haven’t even realized it. So next time you think you are falling head-over-moccasin-heels with a potential Prince Charming, just be sure that you never, ever date someone who…

  1. Doesn’t shop at clearance sales.

Because I love spending multiple hours rummaging through stockpiles of clothes at reduced prices, just like I love spending multiple hours rummaging through my date’s deepest, darkest secrets.

  1. Calls himself a sapiosexual.

But then goes ahead and asks you for a picture of your junk the very next moment.

  1. Doesn’t like chicken biryani.

Because like they all say, do we really need that kind of negativity in our lives?

  1. Orders you your food on the first date without your permission.

Well if I want to eat two portions of fries with my double loaded beef burger, I will definitely eat it. Thank you very much for thinking that I’d prefer a chicken Caesar salad instead, okay?

  1. Who says ‘let’s get a cab,’ when you can easily walk.

Or says something like ‘Let’s walk it,’ when it actually does need to be a cab ride. An exceptionally long one.

  1. Has a ‘day for triceps’.
    How about having a day for your personality instead?
  1. Tags a photo with the hash tag #InstaGay

Maybe you should take a picture with the hash tag #IWillNotUseThisHashTagAnymore?

  1. Talks lyk dis 2 evry1 he knws.

Think about it this way, every time you misspell a word on purpose, Zara reduces their clearance sale by a day.

  1. Congratulates you on your work anniversary on LinkedIn.

Because the only people who are allowed to congratulate you on your work anniversary are your bosses, your parents and that lone person who you added three years ago in the hope that you would get a job at their firm. But you never did.

  1. Posts things that begin with ‘But you know that Donald Trump does have a point…’

Sigh. We all know that Donald Trump will never ever have a point, and so should you.

  1. Doesn’t proofread his tweets or Facebook posts.

There’s nothing more gut wrenching than a typo that stares you in your face at 2 am, just like a deep-rooted insecurity would.

  1. Thinks that a beer is validation enough to get into your pants.
    Try eight beers; two bottles of wine and a double set of jaeger bombs, you sweet summer child.
  1. Tags Instagram photos with #FeelingUgly when in fact, he looks like he’s just walked down the ramp for Calvin Klein.

Because real people have real problems – like how to get the toothpaste tube to squirt out that last bit of paste right at the end of the tube.

  1. Talks way too much about his ex.

He’s still not over him – it’s as simple as that. And you should get out of the picture, before he gets back under him.

  1. Hasn’t deleted his Google Plus profile yet.

If he hasn’t had time to delete his erstwhile profile from the dregs of the Internet, he’s obviously never going to have time for you.

  1. Doesn’t get the ‘Winter Is Coming’ reference.

Whatever happened to the good old nineties, back when geek culture was cool? Valar Morghulis, anyone?

  1. Loves telling you that he consumed only 1100 calories today.

Counting is appropriate only when it happens in math equations, pedometers and while splitting restaurant bills between groups of five or more – otherwise, it’s just plain unhealthy. In other news, I had 800 calories today, just for breakfast.

  1. Tells you he’ll never be ready for relationship.

He really, never will be. Trust me.

  1. Sends you regular naked selfies on Snapchat

Relax. He’s probably sending it to a dozen other boys just like you. And if he isn’t, why are you dating someone who sends you naked selfies everyday in the first place?

  1. Wears sunglasses indoors.

Like Larry David once famously said, ‘you know who wears sunglasses indoors? Blind people and douchebags.’

  1. Says things like ‘The only animals I like are the ones on my plate…’

‘Nuff said.

  1. Doesn’t know what ‘Netflix and Chill’ means.

Unless he’s meta, and all he actually wants to do is really just watch Netflix and just chill.

  1. Scorns at you for staying in the suburbs.

If the pin code is going to be a problem, so is the boy with the problem.

  1. Claims to be a vegan.

But occasionally eats ice cream on weekends. And the lone chicken burger every other month.

  1. Doesn’t know the difference between your and you’re.

Unless it’s Rachel Green from Friends – never give up an opportunity to go out with Jennifer Aniston, even if you are a raging homosexual.

 

So how many boys have been debunked yet?

 

Is Online Dating The Serial Killer Of Romance?

Viraf, a thirty-something brand manager loves plaid, soy lattes and expensive single malt. Like most quintessential gay men that I know, Viraf is on the lookout for ‘shake-me-by-my-shoulders’ love – the one that you find in dog-eared romance novels and primetime soaps. To further his cause for finding romance, Viraf goes out on a new date every week (while sleeping with twice the number of people in the same time) – and falls in love every month. It’s a tough life, but he survives (and so does his wallet).

Serial Killer

Continue reading Is Online Dating The Serial Killer Of Romance?

88 Thoughts You Have While On A Bad First Date

 

BAD DATE

First dates can be intimidating. What if you smile too much? Or talk about the ex too much? Or drink too much? As you flirt your way over aperitifs and appetizers, there could be a lot of questions that are racing through your mind – from the classic ‘does he like me?’ and ‘Who’s going to pay for this one?’ to the more practical ‘Should I go commando?’ and ‘Is that boil over his lip a cold sore?’

Point is, every date is different – from borderline psychotic to RomCom-level charming – and each one is a story by itself. Don’t know how to sort the good ones from the bad? If this were your train of thought while you were out with a potential Prince Charming, I’d say you board the first compartment and flee as far away as you can:

Continue reading 88 Thoughts You Have While On A Bad First Date

The Survivor’s Guide To Everything You See People Do On Grindr

 

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Airport romances. Proposals at the Eiffel Tower. Underdogs fighting it out against the odds. Triple chocolate fudge cake.

As people we’ve always loved our clichés, especially when we become one. So when it comes to our love (and sex) lives, it’s not a surprise to see the hackneyed habit-forming animals that we tend to be. Whether you are a first time rookie looking for your seven minutes in Heaven or a Tinder thespian who’s looking for a partner to adopt a dog with, here are twenty-five of the most likely things you will see on every dating app in the world:

Continue reading The Survivor’s Guide To Everything You See People Do On Grindr