Tag Archives: Relationship Advice

The Guysexual’s Guide To Heartbreak

 

Handling Heartbreak

It’s over.

You’ve cut the cords, the phone calls and your heartstrings. You’ve had those two tubs of ice cream at once. You’ve not showered for days. You’ve blamed everyone from your mother and your best friend to that boy who sat behind you in seventh grade. You’ve heard (or wept to) Taylor Swift’s entire playlist on loop.

Or maybe, you are Taylor Swift.

See, dealing with a break up is only half the battle won, because getting over heartbreak is where you need to get your troops out (unless you are TS, in which case you’ll just write another hit song about it) — it’s time to bring out the Kleenex, boys and girls, because this is going to be a long one.

Let me tell you this.

Mending a broken heart is worse than trying to put together a torn gift voucher to Ralph Lauren (and it’s even worse when you’ve lost your heart to ghosting). While glue can be therapeutic, you’ll need time, and space, and multiple bottles of self-belief (with even more bottles of wine) to walk out of your shell.

But hey, listen.

While it might seem tough, it’s not impossible. What do you do to soften the blow of a breakup?

Read me (no pun intended).

Now heal away with this extremely helpful handle-your-heartbreak bucket list and fall in love with yourself (and someone else, hopefully) sooner than you can drunk dial your ex on a lonely Tuesday night:

1. Get a haircut

Deal with the split and the split ends with a quick makeover; one that probably doesn’t cost as much as a wardrobe do-over.

2. Take a weekend trip

You don’t need to go to Corsica or Rio to find yourself. Head off to the nearest beach and drown your worries in draught beer.

3. Take up a sport

Any sport. Preferably one that involves balls, so that you imagine your ex’s face every time you hit it with your racquet.

4. Clean up your house

Remove all the letters, clothes, toothbrushes, and love notes he left behind. Donate. Cleanse. Repeat till happy.

5. Find a new favourite restaurant

Remember sharing Maki rolls and miso soup at your favourite Sushi bar? Feeding him wasabi peanuts and grinning like idiots over sake shots every Saturday night? You don’t need to anymore. It’s time to make new memories with a new menu card.

6. Find a new favourite wine

Because you’ll need a fresh crate every weekend.

7. Read the biggest book you can find

That’ll save you a lot of time thinking about him.

8. Spend a day in bed

Watch as many Internet fail videos as you can, and make sure you do so in your favourite pyjamas.

9. Try out a poetry class

Channel all your angst into a class. Any class. Try something that interests you. Maybe try poetry. Although your chances of turning into Pablo Neruda overnight are very low, you’ll have something to laugh over next year — preferably over wine, with a new squeeze.

10. Cook up a fancy meal for one

You’ll need to get used to those.

11. Get all your STD tests done

If you are going to start over a clean slate, you better be clean.

12. Buy yourself a gift

And post it to your home address. Act surprised when you receive it. Repeat till you believe.

13. Call your mom

But make sure she’s not in one of her patronising moods.

14. Buy healthier food at the market

Avocadoes are magical. So are ‘multigrain buns-are-better-than-your-man-buns’.

15. Make a playlist.

And fill it up with all the songs that your ex hated — let that be a constant reminder to not go back.

16. Join a gym

If you are going to be working up a sweat every time you think about your break up, you might as well burn calories while you’re at it.

17. Start running

Learn to run fast, not run away from your problems.

18. Write out an email to the ex

Pour your heart out, talk about all the good things and the bad things. Talk about the one time he puked over your shoes after his 30th birthday, and how he got you cupcakes to make up the day after. Vent out your anger. Laugh at your in-jokes. Tell him everything you ever wanted to say; cry about it after, and just when you are about to hit ‘Send’, delete it.

19. Read a book or a blog about getting back in the game

Just like this one.

20. Get back on Grindr

But only when you are ready.

The Guysexual’s Guide To Ghosting: Vol. III

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Cutting something out of your life only works when it involves one of these four broad categories: complex carbohydrates, processed sugar, cheap vodka and bad vibes. But that’s about it.

I’ll let you in on a secret. It’s not the same when it involves people.

As Arvind learnt the hard way (in the first of my terrifying three-part guide to ghosting), getting left in the lurch can truly be a haunting experience. People like to see death and destruction in horror films, not necessarily their relationships — and while dealing with it can be a terrifying ordeal (only made better with these life hacks), it’s fair to say that it’s a whole new ball game when you are sitting on the other side of this Ouija board of online dating.

Continue reading The Guysexual’s Guide To Ghosting: Vol. III

The Guysexual’s Guide To Being Ghosted: Vol. II

 

ghosting.jpg

As Arvind learnt last week, being left in the lurch (in the middle of a hypothetical relationship) can be quite haunting. One minute Aarav was muttering sweet (and legal) nothings into his ear; the very next, he had disappeared into nothingness.

Poof. It was that simple. Just like that, he was gone — having retreated into the ones and zeros to haunt another corner of the digital universe (or according to Arvind’s worst fears, another boy).

It’s happened to the best of us. For the uninitiated and the ignorant, ghosting refers to the highly anecdotally pervasive act where someone ends a relationship by simply disappearing. The Ghost does not give any explanations, leaving the ghosted to wonder where he went wrong.

Which brings us to the single most important question (after you’ve asked yourself how many bottles of wine you’d need to get over that messy break-up).

Do you feel like something strange is happening in YOUR (romantic) neighborhood? Are you worried about facing these demons of douchebaggery all alone? Scared that someone will spirit your feelings away? Keep those phones back in your pockets (and I’ll keep the horror puns to myself); because you don’t need The Ghostbusters on speed dial just yet. What do you do then?

It’s easy. Just read through, and follow this five-step process to make sure you survive what I call the ‘Halloween Hijinks of Heartbreak’:

1. Recognise you can feel angry

Go break that glass. Tear out that book. Punch that bag. Write that scathing email (but don’t send it). Watch a romcom. Watch a dozen romcoms. Watch romcoms till you get sick of watching romcoms. Shatter that vase. Scream out loud. Go for a run. Cry. Get sad. Feel angry. You need to.

Repeat till you make peace with yourself and are whole-heartedly happy, because you deserve every bit of it.

2. Don’t blame yourself

Unless you killed his pet dog, had sex with the twin brother or set fire to his house, it’s not your fault (and it never will be), so don’t even go there.

Now write out a list of reasons why you hate him and learn it till you can recite it in your sleep. You dodged a bullet with this one, so go celebrate with some beer (and a few boys).

3. Call him out

Teachers, lawyers, policemen, landlords and mothers — everybody needs answers, and so do you. Remember that it’s better to reach out for answers than reaching out for that large bottle of wine (although if you want wine, just go ahead).

Make sure that you are okay, and if you can get yourself to, ask him for a reason(s). If he replies — hear him out and make peace with it, because that will only save you countless hours (and bills) at the therapist’s. But stop at that one time.

He doesn’t want to get back, and neither should you.

4. Cut him out completely

Delete those texts. Erase those pictures. Unfollow him on Instagram, Twitter and Snapchat and Unfriend him on Facebook. Remove every trace of him, (virtual and otherwise) so that the no bits or bytes of him survive — compete to make it full and final, so that you can never get back in touch with him.

Because sending him a sloppy text message (or forty) at a quarter past three in the morning does not earn you any prizes.

5. Know that there’s still some hope left in the world.

Will it happen again? Should you ever fall in love? Why don’t you just delete Grindr? Take Tinder off your phones maybe? How about going on a dating detox? Who needs the right guy when you have your right hand? Don’t think about it. Just because it happened to you once (or twice), doesn’t mean that it will happen every single time. Sure, the graphic designer with the soft, wavy hair and twinkling eyes might have seemed like the One, but there are too many fish in this sea (and too many graphic designers with soft, wavy hair and twinkling eyes).

Now go fish.
Just make sure you throw back the ones you don’t need.