Tag Archives: Online Dating

April Fool’s Day: Stay Away From These Six Online Dating Liars!

 

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It’s April Fool’s Day.

Which means people all over the world are fooling their friends and family with standard pranks and jokes you could probably buy in a DIY kit. While it’s one thing to get fooled by the usual ‘replace-toothpaste-with-antiseptic-cream’ trick, it’s a whole new world of pain when you get catfished by someone on the dating app of your choice.

Want to know how to sort out the prankster from a potential romance? Well, here are six men that you can swerve around and ignore this April Fool’s Day:

The Busybody

The busybody is perfect on paper. He’s ambitious, passionate about work and so disciplined, he could be the vice principal at your school.

But that’s where the perfection ends. You might think the Busybody is a Post-It pumping man of God, but he’s really not. One second he’s feeding you strawberry tarts, and the very next, he’s so busy he needs a clone just to reply to your texts. The busybody is a man of multiple engagements, only because he’s engaged with multiple men at the same time.

He’s always occupied with something slightly more important – a friend’s birthday. An office conference. His sister’s giving birth. His dog is sick. His sister’s giving birth again. But at the end of the day, when you check his daily planner (and don’t even deny that you will), you’ll see that it’s emptier than his soul.

The Celebrity

With his movie star looks, manicured beard and twinkling eyes that deserve their own spot in Hollywood’s Walk Of Fame, the Celebrity looks like Fawad Khan. In fact, if his profile picture is to believed, it could be Fawad Khan.

Unfortunately, it isn’t and this is not your personal rom-com. For every five genuine profiles on Tinder, the celebrity rears his (very pretty, but obviously fake) head with a billboard-worthy face and a sparkling set of teeth that unfortunately don’t belong to him. How do you spot him? The Celebrity hides behind film star silhouettes, stock photos, or the Google search result for ‘Hot Men, Indian’. Three lines into a conversation, the curtain calls and your blockbuster movie fades to black.

You never see him again, because he’s out of the theatres (and your thoughts).

The Nun

The Nun will tell you that he doesn’t want to have sex with you, because he wants to connect ‘emotionally’ – that’s short for ‘he wants to get to know you before he gets to know the colour of your underwear’. You believe him, and sip freely on your fourth glass of wine.

The Nun is beautiful, and in a grid of half-naked torsos and unsolicited dick pics, he helps you see the light. You gush at his stories, laugh at his jokes and get turned on by his endearing sense of humour – before you know it, you are hopelessly falling in love (and into his bed).

Time for a quick news flash about Nuns. Chances are, if ‘I don’t want to have sex on the first date’ ever comes up in conversation, they’ve already plotted how to get you back to theirs, what they’ll do to you (or have you do to them), and how long they’ll give it before they very politely ask you to book your Uber ride back home.

And those scabby knees?

He’s been on the confession stand.

At the doctor’s clinic.

The Grown Up

The Grown Up chugs out inspirational quotes like a Pinterest board. He says he’s tired of being up on the ferris wheel of fuckboys, and is now looking for something ‘real and mature’. He makes the Sapiosexual look like a child. You giggle, and ask him what he’s looking for?

He’s done playing the game, he tells you, because he’s now looking for the ‘One’ (which is convenient, because ‘you just waltzed into his life as if it were a Christmas miracle’). He’s attentive, always puts you first and is great with comforting hugs (and more) when you need one. He’s everything you could ever want in a man.

Until that moment when you end things with him, and he sends you thirty-three vicious (and obviously alcohol-induced) text messages in a row.

More than half of them have typos.

The Supermodel

The Supermodel muddles up his vital stats like I muddle up my Income Tax returns (but only one of us is successful). On his profile, the Supermodel has it all. Washboard abs that you can iron your clothes on. A jawline that you can cut toast with. Cheekbones that are so high, they could have snorted five lines of cocaine. He walks the runway for breakfast.

But I’ll tell you something. He’s the one who adds a couple of inches to his height, knocks off a couple of pounds from his weight, and multiples your body issues overnight. Whether he’s used a picture that was taken back when Orkut was still relevant, or added an assortment of filters that rakes up Instagram hearts by the dozen, the Supermodel’s body type will always be the biggest lie in the online dating world.

It’s high time we accept the harsh truth, and move on to the next profile.

The Hustler

The Hustler is the Ari Gold of the online dating world. With his slick hair and slicker attitude, the Hustler is someone who knows everybody who is an anybody. He regales you with anecdotes he shared with a top musician, casually references having brunch with a rich socialite wife, posts regular Instagram photos with nubile models, and jokes about that ‘one time’ he made an A-lister snort with his sense of humour.

But remember one thing: a date who tries to impress you with all his influential friends (and their gossip) is full of shit – people who hang out with stars never talk about it until they know you or trust you enough. Chances are he’s only telling you about exclusive tables and VIP tickets because he wants a backstage pass to your bedroom. You should tell him that his all-access pass isn’t valid, and that the velvet rope is staying exactly where it is.

Tightly bound by your chastity belt.

 

The Guysexual’s Guide To Decoding Dating Bios On Every App In The World

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As you might have realised, your dating profile is your window to the world. It’s your 4’ by 6’ advertisement in the personals section of the newspaper. So it’s only obvious that you’d spend more time on it: Being your witty, charming, and fun self – that’s where you get your right swipe, your woof and your clandestine tryst for Wednesday night.

But we don’t.

Instead, we look at every profile with an Instagram filter – there’s the computer analyst who’s mug shot is spruced up with Aden, the graphic designer from seven hundred metres away shining bright in the Maldives with Valencia and finally, the architect across the street, basking on the beach with a healthy dose of Amaro. While pictures gain priority, our bios get rehashed in different versions of the same fifteen or so things — all as pointless as trying to get the barista at Starbucks to spell your name correctly.

Here are a few template (but very real) dating bios, decoded just for you:

What he says: ‘Sane and sorted.’

What he means: ‘I will block you if you ask me something that offends me even slightly.’

 

What he says: ‘No hookups please.’

What he really means: ‘I am into hookups.’

 

What he says: ‘Looking for a reason to delete this app.’

What he really means: ‘I am waiting for my Prince Charming, but if I have to kiss a few dozen frogs on the way, I am not complaining. My flat mate is out this weekend.’

 

What he says: ‘Looking for a gym buddy.’

What he really means: ‘I have a boyfriend, but I don’t mind doing the dirty deed on the bench press. Lay out the yoga mat, will you?’

 

What he says: ‘I really don’t bite…unless you really want me to…’

What he really means: ‘I am really not that good in bed, but if you want, I’d moan out your name as we have mediocre sex. And then if I am really into it, I’ll even bite your nipples.’

 

What he says: ‘Only faces can start a conversation’

What he really means: ‘because I don’t want you to be as ugly as you sound on text.’

 

What he says: ‘Sapiosexual, looking for the same.’

What he really means: ‘I like the word; it sounds really cool.  But hey, now that we’ve got that out of the way, you’re place or mine?’

 

What he says: ‘Please don’t waste my time!’

What he really means: ‘I don’t want to waste my time text-flirting with you over a week. I am top, muscular and raring to go. How about calling me over right now?’

 

What he says: ‘No pic. No plc.’

What he really means: ‘don’t catfish me, please?’

 

What he says: ‘Looking for some NSA fun.’

What he really means: ‘I really am looking for some NSA fun.’

 

What he says: ‘I get HIGH on life.’

What he really means: ‘I am coming right over if you’d let me snort cocaine right off your ass cheeks.’

 

What he says: ‘I don’t really know what to say here. Haha.’

What he really means: ‘I really don’t know what to say when all they need are only 250 characters about myself. I try not to come across as boring, but I really am.’

 

What he says: ‘I am discreet and looking for the same.’

What he really means: ‘ I am married and don’t mind something on the side, as long as you don’t take pictures and send them to my wife.’

 

What he says: ‘I am discrete and looking for the same.’

What he really means: ‘ I am married and I also don’t know how to spell.’

 

What he says: ‘I prefer men over boys.’

What he really means: ‘Only tops, please.’

 

What he says: ‘Not into fats/femmes. Uncles and aunties please stay away!’

What he really means: ‘I am a douchebag, and I expect you to be one too.’

 

What he says: ‘Classy people only.’

What he really means: ‘I want to do dirty unimaginable things to you, but I will not pay you money for any of it.’

What Does Your Grindr Picture say About You?

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Have I told you that a display picture isn’t that important for your Grindr profile?

 Yes. I am a liar.

And I am also a hypocrite.

See, it’s simple – sometimes you won’t have time to read someone’s profile bio – and we all know that your picture is all you’ve got to get him to say hello. You don’t need to be a rocket scientist to know that the photo in question needs to be clear and recent (unless you still look like your charming 2010 self) – just make sure it’s not a mug shot or a scan of your passport picture, and you are ready to go.

Remember, the focus of the picture should always be on the star attraction: YOU. Because while a panoramic shot of the Eiffel tower or the Great Wall of China in the background can make for a great conversation starter, a selfie with a butt-plug on the shelf behind you can only lead to a lot of awkward questions.

They say that everything you need to know, you can learn from a person’s picture. Want to know more?

Here’s what different pictures say about you:

  1. Mr. No picture

Being discreet about your identity can seem enigmatic, but don’t complain when you can’t seem to earn any brownie points, in bed or otherwise. Unless you can charm your way into someone’s heart (or their pants) with some well-timed words, not having a picture up on your profile only leads to not having any game.

  1. Mr. Shirtless

Sure, you might say that you are ‘looking for your one true love’ but you don’t need to be shirtless on your path to romance. It’s really difficult to fall in love (or even be friends) with someone who doesn’t seem to have a face. When was the last time you made a new friend over how well proportioned your abs are?

Never.

Unfortunate as it may seem, it’s very difficult to be taken seriously when you think that the most endearing part of your personality is your sexy, sculpted chest.

  1. Mr. Smiling face

Smiles are sexy. You might want to come across as a brooding, yet beautiful ‘I-am-too-good-for-you’ rugged man, but smiles always gather the most attention (and hellos on Grindr). Plus, no gay man can ever resist a full set of pearly whites. It’s the easiest route to your ‘happily-ever-after.’

So smile away, boys – you won’t need a fairy godmother to find that fairy tale ending then.

  1. Mr. Blurry

It’s 2017, so the only reason you have an out-of-focus photo as your profile picture is because you used an artsy Instagram filter. Otherwise, you need to delete those scanned pictures back from 2007 from your phone as soon as possible.

  1. Mr. Gym selfie:

Yes, you care about fitness, love to exercise and spend about ten hours every week working on the various muscles of your lithe, supple body, but there’s a catch (and it’s got nothing to do with your warm-up at the beginning of your workout).

Generations of (less fitter, more sour) gay men have unanimously looked down at their gym-going counterparts in their quest for love, simply because they’d presume that the men in question would give precedence to HIIT over matters of the heart. Don’t want to turn a potential love interest away?

It’s sad to say that having a gym selfie as your profile picture will only give out the impression that you care more about your post-workout protein shake than the person you are talking to.

  1. Mr. Sunglasses

You might be gorgeous enough to grace the cover of GQ Magazine, but when you’ve got monster sunglasses that cover more than half of your pretty face, people will only assume that you are wearing them because you are ugly.

Yes, even if they are from Calvin Klein.

  1. Mr. beach bod

The shirtless, beach picture is the ultimate way to show off. How so?

It shows that you work out (your banana hammock leaves very little room for the imagination), are confident (because anybody with body issues would have a problem with being half-naked in public) and travel a lot (who else would be at a beach in the middle of the year?) Want to amp up those little red notifications of love on Grindr?

It’s time to find the nearest exotic beach and plonk yourself on a recliner.

  1. Mr. Suit

Maybe you are a professional. Maybe you are a model. Maybe you are a tycoon. Maybe you are an out-of-towner in the city for work, and looking for a friend to ‘show you around town’. Maybe you are none of the above, and just trying too hard.

Remember that this is Grindr, and not your LinkedIn profile. Stick to the basics; but just make sure you aren’t too basic.

 

Dear Gay Men, Here Are the Do’s and Don’ts of Online Dating.

 

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As a gay man, you spend as much time charting the dregs of a dating app as you spend deciding between a mimosa and a mojito for Sunday brunch — only in the case of the latter, there are no empty calories, just empty feelings (and no, there are no Happy Hours on online dating portals).

Online dating might look depressingly tough, but it’s really not.  Do you want to get away and get it on in real life?

Just follow these dos and swerve away from the don’ts, and you’ll never have to hit the bar to drown your loneliness ever again:

Do: Have a recent picture of yourself

Unless you still look like your gorgeous, toned self from 2007, have a photo that was taken in the past few months as your display picture. After all, no one wants to see that look of disappointment on their date’s face when they turn up and see you for the very first time.

PS: have more than one photo, as cameras can be pathological liars (and so can people).

Don’t: Lie on your profile

We know how exhilarating it can be to lie about your age, height, weight and the fact that you won ‘Entrepreneur of the Year’ award back in 2010 on your profile, but do remember — you are only one Google search (or one date) away from never seeing the hypothetical boy of your dreams ever again.

Do: Take chances

Does your date seem slightly boring than he did on text? Is his nose off centre? Do you find him a bit pudgy around the waist? You can pass him off, and wait and wait and keep waiting, but perfection might never make it when you want it to.

While online dating can seem superficial — as you swipe right through profiles of gorgeous men with pectoral muscles and PHDs, you might need to step out of your comfort zone every once in a while. Who know? Maybe the grungy musician who lives with his parents is the one you’ll click with.

Don’t: Ask for a picture if you don’t have one

If you do, you are a certified A-level douchebag.

Do: Be well groomed

If you don’t expect your date to turn up with garlic breath and body odour, neither should you. No one expects you to look like you are walking the ramp for the next Autumn/Winter collection, but make an effort and dress up (more on that later).

Side note: Take a shower and spray some cologne; it always helps.

Don’t: Be a Yes man

Will you share my salad?

Want to come back to my place?

Why don’t you leave your wallet with me when you head off to the washroom?

I have a fetish for blood. Are you interested?

Don’t be a people pleaser; if someone asks you to do something that makes you uncomfortable, a succinct ‘no’ is all it takes. You don’t even need an excuse after.

Do: Be on time

There’s nothing more attractive than a man who is always on time. If you aren’t, keep an apology text ready to be sent at least ten minutes before your assigned meeting time.

Buy him a drink (or two) when you get there — alcohol always makes up for (and makes with) lost time.

Don’t: Get too drunk on the first date

Being drunk on a date is never sexy, especially if it involves you retching over his Italian loafers (halfway through the heartwarming story of how he lost his cat when he was twelve).

Side note: If you are feeling the first date sweats and are generally anxious, calm yourself with a drink, but stop at two (or when you feel the sudden urge to flirt with the bartender).

Do: Talk on the date

Contribute to the conversation like you would contribute to water cooler gossip — remember that a great conversation can help you go a long way, right up to ten-year anniversary pictures on the fridge.

Don’t: Be mean

No one likes to be told that their posture is wrong; their shoes are last season, their big dream won’t work or that they’ve got something stuck between their teeth.

Don’t like your date? Don’t take it out on him. Have a drink or two, and end the night early with a polite excuse, and a cheque that’s split two ways.

56 Things You’ll Think Of as You Wait For Your Date

 

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You are here.

You’ve been seated at your table, and are waiting for your date to show up. Unless you are the debonair, enigmatic gentleman that we all crave to be, your mind’s going to be a barrage of questions — will he like you? Will you like him? Should you have worn the other cologne? Why are your hands sweating so much? Does your breath stink? Will his breath stink? Is there time to go buy mouthwash?

Nervous sweats aside, here are 56 completely reasonable things to stress over while you wait for Mr ‘Let’s-hope-for-the-best’ to show up:

1. ‘Should I order red wine or white? The white’s way out of my budget, but who wants wine teeth?’

2. ‘ I should have worn my jeans. Damn, these trousers are too tight…’

3. ‘Does this dinner jacket make me look like I am trying too hard?’

4. ‘If he doesn’t look like his picture on Facebook, I am going to make an excuse and leave in 10 minutes.’

5. ‘Okay, 20 minutes.’

6. ‘Wait. Where did I keep my condoms?’

7. ‘No wine in that case.’

8. ‘Should I just have a beer before he gets here? Will it make my face look bloated?

9. ‘Only three drinks tonight, only three drinks tonight, only three drinks tonight…’

10. ‘I shouldn’t have had that sour cream and onion dip for lunch.’

11. ‘Does my breath stink?’

12. ‘Where’s my chewing gum?’

13. ‘Does my stomach look pudgy when I sit like this?’

14. ‘If he felt the need to tell me he was straight acting, should I keep all the Kardashian sisters off the table?’

15. ‘What about the Jenners?’

16. “Do I really want to be on a date with someone who calls themselves straight-acting?’

17. ‘I swear this is the last time I am going on a date this month.’

18. ‘OH WAIT. Did I leave my fridge door open?’

19. ‘No, I didn’t leave my fridge door open. But oh no, did I switch my geyser off?’

20. ‘Geyser’s off.’

21. ‘Booth or chair? Tough choice.’

22. ‘NOMG! I forgot to set up an SOS with a friend!’

23. ‘Should I do it now? Who should I text?’

24. ‘I hope he’s not the kind of person who brings up his ex.’

25. ‘Note to self: do not bring up the ex at all.’

26. ‘If I bring up my ex, will he automatically assume I am not over him?’

27. ‘Wait, am I over him?’

28. ‘Okay, I am over him. Now how do I look like I am really over him?’

29. ‘Should I go for a handshake or a hug when he turns up?’

30. ‘So if I sit on this side of the table, the light highlights my face better…’

31. ‘Okay, you can do this, you can do this, you can do this…’

32. ‘Is my voice deep enough?’

33. ‘Did I just finish this entire bread basket?’

34. ‘Have I left out food for the cat?’

35. ‘Brownie points for him if he’s not shaved off his beard.’

36. ‘I really hope he doesn’t notice the pimple on my chin. Maybe I should have let my beard grow.’

37. ‘Should I play it cool or should I play it hot?’

38. ‘I shouldn’t have come early, now he’s going to think I didn’t have anything better to do.’

39. ‘Do I really have anything better to do than be on this date?’

40. ‘Is that him? Oh, it’s not. I wouldn’t mind going out with this guy though.’

41. ‘Should I ask him about his dog? Would it be creepy if I told him I already stalked him on Instagram?

42. ‘What if he starts talking about Taylor Swift?’

43. ‘What if he doesn’t mention Taylor Swift?’

44. ‘He’s late, am I at the right bar?’

45. ‘If I text him to find out where he is, should I end it with an xx?’

46. ‘Will only one x work?’

47. ‘Should I check Grindr to see who else is around? Should I not? Should I? Should I not? Should I?’

48. ‘I am going to read through all our text messages to each other till he gets here. That seems like a great way to spend my time while I wait for him.’

49. ‘What if he finds my job boring?’

50. ‘If I go on about my job, will it look like I am bragging?’’

51. ‘Should I bring up my job at all?’

52. ‘WHERE IS HE?’

53. ‘Are the people at the next table judging me?’

54. ‘I should keep my eyes on my phone, and pretend to be busy.’

55. ‘Ooh, new level unlocked on Candy Crush!’

56. ‘Why is he not here yet? Am I being stood up? Damn, I should have not taken that cab to come here. Oh, there he is…’

The 40 Lies You’ll Tell Yourself While You Are Out On A Date

 

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As adults, we lie to ourselves about a lot of things. We lie about happiness, we lie about failure, we lie about how we did not deserve that DUI ticket that one time, we lie about how we can pull off neon green, and we lie about how our parents love us as much as they love our over-achieving siblings.

We lie so much that we can put it up as a skill on our LinkedIn profiles (but we don’t). Which is why it’s only natural that we lie to ourselves when it comes to finding love. Don’t believe me?

Here are 40 lies we’ve all told ourselves as we sit across a man who’s so wrong he could be a Taylor Swift song:

1. I’m so done with all of this.

2. I’m not going to get drunk tonight.

3. I’m not drunk right now.

4. I have a really good feeling about this.

5. It’s so sweet that he can talk about his ex so openly, and so often. It can only mean he’s definitely over him!

6. I won’t put out tonight, even if I think he’s really handsome and way out of my league.

7. My friends are going to love him so much!

8. It’s so cute that he already cares about how much I eat. This one’s a keeper!

9. When he says my cheeks look full, he doesn’t mean that I am fat.

10. I think he confused my drink for his; it’s no big deal.

11. Did he just check me out on my way to the restroom? How rude.

12. Who cares if he’s checking out the guy sitting at the other table? He only had eyes for me when I asked for the steak.

13. That little boil on his lip is definitely not herpes.

14. He’s just really quiet because he’s so adorably shy. Look at him checking his phone every other minute? He’s too awkward to make eye contact!

15. I’m sure this bow tie is helping me make a great impression tonight!

16. He likes me, I can just tell.

17. He’s not wearing make-up. His skin just glows like that.

18. His style is…so unique.

19. His dry sense of humour is turning me on so much right now.

20. He went through an entire packet of cigarettes in the last two hours that we’ve been here. Wow, that’s so sexy.

21. Can he smell my desperation?

22. I am sure he’s never used that line before.

23. He didn’t say nigger. He said bigger.

24. He’s right — I should have just called and confirmed the date before leaving.

25. I like how he jokes about having a boyfriend back at home. This boy is hilarious!

26. It’s so endearing that he calls himself a nomad.

27. Look at him typing away on his phone! Maybe he’s texting his friends telling them how cute I am.

28. He wants to know who I voted for. This is so much fun!

29. I probably shouldn’t ask him why he told me that he has to get back home in 30 minutes.

30. When he tells me he thinks we’d make great bros, he means it in a romantic sort of way.

31. He’s going to love how I can snort my shots out of my nose.

32. I’m sure he’s thinking about getting matching wedding bands too.

33. He’s just asking me if my flat mate is out of town, because he’s really concerned about me being alone at home. Such a sweet guy!

34. It’s completely fine if he didn’t bother to split the bill. I’m sure he’ll pay next time.

35. I wish the cheque took its own sweet time to get here.

36. This isn’t too soon after my breakup. I am ready.

37. If I do sleep with him tonight, I’m going to make sure I don’t develop feelings and wait for him to call me back. That would be pathetic.

38. I’m really looking forward to my walk of shame tomorrow morning!

39. I have a feeling he’s going to ask me out this weekend.

40. Oh yes! I’m definitely going to see him again for sure.

Dear Gay Men, Are You Addicted to Grindr?

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‘Are you a Grindrophile?’

If you’ve already been asked this question and are reading this column, purging through dating hacks and lists, the answer is probably yes. Which brings us to question number two — if Grindr was a boy, would you date him?

Don’t bother checking out his profile, there’s only one way to find out.  Every point you rack up on this super special-edition Grindr Bucket List Game brings you one step closer to having an epiphany — the same one that begs you to end it once and for all, and delete the beauty that Grindr is.

Continue reading Dear Gay Men, Are You Addicted to Grindr?