Tag Archives: Men

Twenty Other Things You Hear At Every LGBT Party.

 

LGBT Party 2.jpg

 

  1. ’I wasn’t going to show up, but then I had nothing else to do…do you have a light?’
  2. ‘Hey, hi! Do you think I can borrow a cigarette from you? Benson Lights? Sure, anything will do.’
  3. “ Is he looking at me? Wait, is he looking at you? Okay, the first one to talk to him takes him home tonight.’
  4. ‘I think I need a shot…make that two. Can you pay for these? I forgot my credit card in my other wallet today,’
  5. ‘That shirt on those pants? He’s such a fashion disaster – he should be happy he’s cute!’
  6. ‘Do you think I can survive on one beer all night long?’
  7. ‘ OMG, where have you been? You disappeared! I haven’t seen you since…. oh wait, we ran into each other at the last one.’
  8. ‘Can we please leave before closing bell? I hate making small talk when the lights are back on,’
  9. ‘So gay parties aren’t usually my thing, but I wanted to come check out what the hype is all about…oh hold on, I see a friend, I’ll talk to you later?’
  10. ‘Is it just me, or are the lights dimmer than usual?’
  11. ‘Oh, you wear sandals? How cute.’
  12. ‘That new Adele song? Story of my life.’
  13. ‘Can I have a mojito? Hello? Hello? Umm, Mr. bartender?’
  14. ‘I want to go pee so badly, but all the stalls are full, and I am too intimidated to use the urinals, you know what I mean?’
  15. ‘Ughhh. This party is full of people I didn’t want to run int-…heyyy! What are you doing here? We were just talking about how lovely the crowd is today!’
  16. ‘Seriously, do you have any idea where the after party is at?’
  17. ‘I totally don’t mind being objectified right now.’
  18. ‘ Did you see how he had his tongue down his throat? So sick. Think someone will make out with me like that?’
  19. ‘Oh god, oh god, hide…it’s my ex!’
  20. ‘ If his t-shirt gets any tighter, he would look like a mannequin. A hot one, but a mannequin nonetheless.’

The Closet Chills : 5 Winter Wardrobe essentials for every man!

The New Year might have come and gone, but winter is still here – and like that pesky boy who never understands a no, it isn’t going away anytime soon. Considering we aren’t Elsa from Frozen, and the cold does bother us, there’s just one simple thing to do – as the mercury dips, it’s time to invest in some winter essentials. We have one simple rule for you: don’t be lazy and just spend some money for once, instead of wearing the same (read: raggedy) clothes that you wear every winter. You don’t think people notice? Well, hello, Facebook memories.

Do we have something to help? But obviously. Our resident fashion expert and style icon, The Guystyler picks out five winter essentials that every man must stock up for the chills (not necessarily the ones you get when you make a fashion faux pas though):

An overcoat – It might not be New York, but the weather in India is as unreliable as it’s traffic – more so, if you’re one of those single men who do not have a hot boy next to them to keep warm, this is an absolute must-have.

Best winter coats for Men 2013
A winter coat can take you a long way.

Dark Denims – The Guystyler personally love wearing torn jeans (Side note: but then again, he also tells me that the hair on his legs is not enough to keep him warm when it gets cold) Well, considering we aren’t bears (the animal kind), we must all invest in a pair of well-fitted dark denims for the season. The best part is their versatility – wear them casually with a bomber jacket or go for a semi formal look with a crisp shirt tucked in and a shawl collar sweater.

classic-denim
Did you know classic denims are cool even when it’s cold?

Leather Jacket – As hot and masculine as it may seem, a leather jacket is not magically capable of transforming you from Adam Brody into Adam Levine. So always go for one, which suits your personality and body type. If you’re a bottom, go for the ones that have an asymmetric zip or a wide collar. Conventional tops can go for Varsity cut leather jackets or ones that are slightly boxy.

A scarf – And no, we don’t mean your mother’s shawl wrapped around and stuffed in your jacket making it look like you’re Dolly Parton. Let’s make it simple: just go for a handsome cashmere one or something solid as it goes with a lot of different looks as opposed to printed scarves which are not too easy to style.

2015-Mens-Street-Style-Trends3
Scarf it up, men. Always scarf it up.

Chelsea Boots – I think there is nothing hotter than a man in rugged Chelsea boots teamed up with well-fitted trousers and a jacket. And if the man has a bike, then let me know where I can sign up.

boots40-580x870
Boots, boots, boots! OMG boots!

Which one’s your favourite on your way to winter wonderland?

Even 20 More Things Not To Say On A First Date

20 more other things to not say

  1. ‘You see that man sitting by himself there – the one with the beard and the broad shoulders? That’s the kind of guy I want to end up with.’
  2. ‘I am very frank – sometimes I want sex four times a day…’
  3. ‘I’ve never thought of myself as a commitment person – imagine spending your life with the same person for the rest of your life. No, thank you.’
  4. ‘Haha…seriously, have you found anyone funnier than me?’
  5. ‘That one time I was at swinger’s party in Barcelona…’
  6. ‘I am getting married in May next year.’
  7. ‘So what’s this #No377 that everyone keeps talking about?’
  8. ‘ Watch out! I think I am going to puk-‘
  9. ‘Okay, this might be embarrassing, but I actually wanted to ask out your friend, but I was wasted and accidentally took your number instead. Do you think you can, umm, give me his number?’
  10. “ Have you ever wanted to kill someone just for fun?’
  11. ’Well, I’ve been called a jerk more than once, but then again, it’s all a matter of perspective…’
  12. ‘I am not a people’s person. I’d rather just sit at home, all by myself. Know what I mean?’
  13. ‘Hypothetically, if we get married, how many kids would you want? Would you be okay with Ibrahim as a potential name? No? You don’t like it?’
  14. ‘Ugh. I hate old people. They should be banned.’
  15. ‘I mean, Hitler might have been a dictator and all that, but let’s not forget all the great things he did…’
  16. ‘Okay, can you keep a look out for the waiter? I want to swipe these gorgeous coasters…’
  17. ‘Have you ever woken up and realized how many gorgeous men this world holds? And we’ve barely met any of them.’
  18. ‘ So last week, my best friend decided to set me up with that hot model from Fashion Week, but I told her I wanted a simple, average boy. Speaking of which…’
  19. ‘Do you know where I can get some cocaine around here?’
  20. ‘So I have a blog where I write about my dating escapades. It’s a lot of fun, you should read it!’

Number Fourteen: The Analyst.

 

fourteen
Art Work: Siddha Kannur.

It’s Independence Day. August has never been crisper. It’s cool and fresh, and smells of the holidays.

I stare closely at Fourteen as he smokes his joint – he has a traveller’s face – mousy, windswept hair on a lean stubbled face. His features boast of a deep tan, and a glow that only comes with not having wasted your life at an office desk for months. Is he an analyst with a tech giant or an IT junkie? Is he a writer? Is he a travel journalist? A baker, a butcher, a candlestick-maker? What does he really do? I’ve always been an unreliable narrator. However, we have more important things to think about. Is he going to pass it? Is he not? It’s such an exciting game –

I splutter and burst out into giggles.

He stares.

‘Take it all the way in, and then blow it out deep and slow.

That line is so infested with innuendoes; we’d need an exterminator (or probably two). He grins. The smile is only slightly lopsided, but that’s not a problem when my mind is fuddled with fumes, and running on overdrive.

What am I doing here?

He passes the spliff to me.

Yes, that.

We are at his house, a modest one-bedroom home in the depths of Andheri – any closer, and he would be a next-door neighbor, any further, and I’d never make the effort to meet him again. The house is sparse – it looks like one that lets you pack up and leave at an instant. There are bulging bookcases, but no wardrobe. He practically lives out of a suitcase unless his parents are visiting, he says. That’s when all his clothes go under the kitchen counter.

I spot William Darylmple’s City of Djinns on his book stand by the bed (single mattress, faded bedspread that smells only slightly of mothballs.) ‘It’s my favourite book,’ he tells me. I lie that I love it too. I don’t have a clue what it’s about – I’ve not really read it. But that’s the rest of his bookshelf – it’s full of books I’ll never have the patience to read, but will never tell the world. I take a closer look – there are some titles on sexuality and homoerotica.

‘Are you out to your parents?’ I ask – visiting parents would hardly glaze over a copy of Queer Science. He laughs. They found out a year ago – chanced upon his diary.

He has a diary?

Not of the conventional sort – it was a journal of his sexual encounters, in all its lurid glory. It’s my time to have a laugh now – where have we heard that before?

How did they take it?

The same way most parents do – there was some crying, some ‘where-did-we-go-wrong?’, some ‘are-you-sure?’ but in the end, it was all good. They came out stronger as a family, and he came out stronger as a gay man. It’s been a year since.

Where does he see himself a year later?

Travelling, he replies almost instantaneously.

I cough; he thinks it’s the joint. I’ve heard this one so many times; I have it tattooed into my mind from one of those cheap tattoo parlours at the mall. It’s a classic answer. A gay man lusting after the idea of travel is like gay men lusting after, well, other gay men. There’s always that one off chance that you’d find love while on vacation, something more than a vacation fling – something so remarkably beautiful that it has an airport story to it – for the quintessential homosexual, it’s the next best thing to saying that you met your future boyfriend at Starbucks.

Where then? I ask him.

He spent the last two months in the hills (and that explains the tan), searching for substance or spirit, and sometimes even both. But one thing that’s common – he’s always searching for himself. I find it all very confusing. Gay men often find themselves in the strangest of places – the hills, the beach, at the opera, a fashion show, the runway, and sometimes even in abandoned restrooms a little after midnight.

I usually head to the bookstore, and find myself in a book.

‘Sometimes I wish I could just pack up and leave.’ He’s excited about quitting his job and leaving with a suitcase and an undecided ticket. The man wants to live his dreams through his travels – scuba diving by the Andaman Islands, building bonfires in Rishikesh, attending local rave parties in Kasol. Instead, in exactly a year, he’d head on to work for a major political campaign, and then find himself at business school. But that’s all in the future. For now, his dreams and aspirations are as pure the Malana cream we are smoking.

“Have you been to Parvati Valley? I spent a month there. It was fascinating! Can you imagine sleeping under the stars and waking up to the morning sun?”

Yes, I almost say – it’s the morning after every night of drunken debauchery. Sometimes I even forget where my pants are.

‘I’d want to go back there, and never come back,’ he says wistfully. You know something else that isn’t coming back?

The joint.

He takes a long drag, and blows out the fumes in concentric circles. I can hear him breathe. It’s deeply unsettling.

‘You know what I was thinking-‘

What can it be? Why is the sky blue? How do touchscreens work? Where does life come from? Am I eyeing the joint too much?

He exhales. I can be at peace. He hands it over. That’s another dose of peace.

‘What?’ I ask. If this were a B-Grade softcore thriller, now would be the point that he would pull out his machete and hack me into pieces. Instead –

‘Want to see me hula hoop?’

Why not?

He heads inside, and comes out with hula rings and a pair of clackers. Soon, the speakers are playing EDM on loop, the strobe lights are on and we are at the toys like kids on a mad sugar rush – we might as well as be the music video for the next M83 song – it’s that trippy. The hula-hoop lies unnoticed. ‘I know just the thing that will help,’ he quips and darts back inside.

Ten minutes (or forty) pass, and he’s been inside the kitchen for too long. My paranoia could be the third wheel on this date. Maybe he does have a machete. If I end up sleeping with the fish tonight, I won’t be surprised. I’ve a good life, seen great loves, understood joy –

He comes out right one cue. There’s no gleaming knife; only a pack of chips and some salsa dip. As the English say, a good spliff deserves some good food. I’d even eat an old shoe right about now. Thirty minutes and two packets of chips later, we are satiated. Well, almost.

‘So what do we do now?’ he asks, expectantly. We fade to black.

‘Let me know if you ever want to come over again?’ he asks, as I prepare to leave half hour later. I smile, but hesitate at the same time. It’s a now-or-never situation.

‘I will, but I had a question. Where do you buy your stuff from?’ I ask, tying my shoelaces. I don’t give away my eagerness. He gives me a peck on my cheek.

He has a supplier who stays close – she’s a twenty-minute phone call away – any closer, and she could be my mother. I take down her number, and accidentally delete his.

 

The Date-o-meter: 6.5/10

Does this have a sequel? : Yes.

If this date were a song, it would be: ‘Paradise Circus‘ By Massive Attack.

 

 

 

20 Things You Hear At Every LGBT Party.

LGBT party

 

  1. ‘Wait. Is this only entry? I thought it was cover.’
  2. ‘This party is so boring; I should have just stayed home tonight. Wait, while you are heading to the bar, get me a beer? No, wait…make it a Long Island Iced Tea.’’
  3. ‘The music is so 2010.’
  4. ‘ Did you see what he was wearing; it’s so hideous tha – … oh, hi! How are you doing? I absolutely love what you are wearing today!’
  5. ‘Damn, I wish someone comes and buys me a drink.’
  6. ‘Oh my god! It has been so long since I saw you last? Where have you been?’
  7. ‘So where were you pre-drinking?’
  8. ‘I would go and smoke outside but it’s so hot. Do you think the air conditioning is on?’
  9. ‘Want to stand in the corner and make fun of everyone?’
  10. ‘…Why are you surprised to seem them together? Didn’t you hear – they are an item again.’
  11. ‘The last time I was here, I got so wasted, I don’t remember a thing. There are videos somewhere, but I’d rather not see them…’
  12. ‘Is he checking me out? Tell me, is he checking me out?’
  13. ‘That’s a seven, and that’s a five, oh no wait, I think he’s a four…’
  14. ‘Do you think they saw me? Okay, pretend to say something really serious so that it looks like we don’t want out conversation to be disturbed.’
  15. ‘I think he was wearing the same outfit the last time around.’
  16. ‘Does anyone know where the after party is happening?’
  17. ‘You are getting there at 10? Who gets there that early? People would think you don’t have a life.’
  18. ‘You want to come back to my place? I have a great collection of jazz music…’
  19. ‘Don’t you think the crowd was better last time around?’
  20. ‘I’ve heard rumours that there are lines happening in the bathrooms…’