Tag Archives: Grindr

56 Things You’ll Think Of as You Wait For Your Date

 

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You are here.

You’ve been seated at your table, and are waiting for your date to show up. Unless you are the debonair, enigmatic gentleman that we all crave to be, your mind’s going to be a barrage of questions — will he like you? Will you like him? Should you have worn the other cologne? Why are your hands sweating so much? Does your breath stink? Will his breath stink? Is there time to go buy mouthwash?

Nervous sweats aside, here are 56 completely reasonable things to stress over while you wait for Mr ‘Let’s-hope-for-the-best’ to show up:

1. ‘Should I order red wine or white? The white’s way out of my budget, but who wants wine teeth?’

2. ‘ I should have worn my jeans. Damn, these trousers are too tight…’

3. ‘Does this dinner jacket make me look like I am trying too hard?’

4. ‘If he doesn’t look like his picture on Facebook, I am going to make an excuse and leave in 10 minutes.’

5. ‘Okay, 20 minutes.’

6. ‘Wait. Where did I keep my condoms?’

7. ‘No wine in that case.’

8. ‘Should I just have a beer before he gets here? Will it make my face look bloated?

9. ‘Only three drinks tonight, only three drinks tonight, only three drinks tonight…’

10. ‘I shouldn’t have had that sour cream and onion dip for lunch.’

11. ‘Does my breath stink?’

12. ‘Where’s my chewing gum?’

13. ‘Does my stomach look pudgy when I sit like this?’

14. ‘If he felt the need to tell me he was straight acting, should I keep all the Kardashian sisters off the table?’

15. ‘What about the Jenners?’

16. “Do I really want to be on a date with someone who calls themselves straight-acting?’

17. ‘I swear this is the last time I am going on a date this month.’

18. ‘OH WAIT. Did I leave my fridge door open?’

19. ‘No, I didn’t leave my fridge door open. But oh no, did I switch my geyser off?’

20. ‘Geyser’s off.’

21. ‘Booth or chair? Tough choice.’

22. ‘NOMG! I forgot to set up an SOS with a friend!’

23. ‘Should I do it now? Who should I text?’

24. ‘I hope he’s not the kind of person who brings up his ex.’

25. ‘Note to self: do not bring up the ex at all.’

26. ‘If I bring up my ex, will he automatically assume I am not over him?’

27. ‘Wait, am I over him?’

28. ‘Okay, I am over him. Now how do I look like I am really over him?’

29. ‘Should I go for a handshake or a hug when he turns up?’

30. ‘So if I sit on this side of the table, the light highlights my face better…’

31. ‘Okay, you can do this, you can do this, you can do this…’

32. ‘Is my voice deep enough?’

33. ‘Did I just finish this entire bread basket?’

34. ‘Have I left out food for the cat?’

35. ‘Brownie points for him if he’s not shaved off his beard.’

36. ‘I really hope he doesn’t notice the pimple on my chin. Maybe I should have let my beard grow.’

37. ‘Should I play it cool or should I play it hot?’

38. ‘I shouldn’t have come early, now he’s going to think I didn’t have anything better to do.’

39. ‘Do I really have anything better to do than be on this date?’

40. ‘Is that him? Oh, it’s not. I wouldn’t mind going out with this guy though.’

41. ‘Should I ask him about his dog? Would it be creepy if I told him I already stalked him on Instagram?

42. ‘What if he starts talking about Taylor Swift?’

43. ‘What if he doesn’t mention Taylor Swift?’

44. ‘He’s late, am I at the right bar?’

45. ‘If I text him to find out where he is, should I end it with an xx?’

46. ‘Will only one x work?’

47. ‘Should I check Grindr to see who else is around? Should I not? Should I? Should I not? Should I?’

48. ‘I am going to read through all our text messages to each other till he gets here. That seems like a great way to spend my time while I wait for him.’

49. ‘What if he finds my job boring?’

50. ‘If I go on about my job, will it look like I am bragging?’’

51. ‘Should I bring up my job at all?’

52. ‘WHERE IS HE?’

53. ‘Are the people at the next table judging me?’

54. ‘I should keep my eyes on my phone, and pretend to be busy.’

55. ‘Ooh, new level unlocked on Candy Crush!’

56. ‘Why is he not here yet? Am I being stood up? Damn, I should have not taken that cab to come here. Oh, there he is…’

Dear Gay Men, Are You Addicted to Grindr?

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‘Are you a Grindrophile?’

If you’ve already been asked this question and are reading this column, purging through dating hacks and lists, the answer is probably yes. Which brings us to question number two — if Grindr was a boy, would you date him?

Don’t bother checking out his profile, there’s only one way to find out.  Every point you rack up on this super special-edition Grindr Bucket List Game brings you one step closer to having an epiphany — the same one that begs you to end it once and for all, and delete the beauty that Grindr is.

Continue reading Dear Gay Men, Are You Addicted to Grindr?

The Guysexual’s Guide To Finding The Perfect Profile Name On Grindr

Profile Name Grindr_guysexual

 

Getting started?

You’ve got your best picture up on your profile — it’s at the gym, or the beach or has you sipping cocktails against the backdrop of the Statue of Liberty. Maybe you are even showing your washboard abs. Maybe you are smiling. Maybe you are smiling, as you show your washboard abs (side note: in which case, can I have your number, please?)

It’s still not working?

That’s right. You are getting all the unsolicited d*ck pics in the world, but no genuine hellos come your way (unless you want your hellos flapping away in your faces). I’ll tell you something. Sometimes choosing an interesting, well thought of name is the only thing that comes between getting a ping or a pass over — because pretty pictures of your dimples just don’t cut it anymore, when all you need is a nice boy to go have a beer with.

What do you do then?

It’s easy peasy. You start right from scratch. Now hurry over and use this guide to find yourself an appropriate online dating handle, because your six-pack clearly isn’t doing it for you:

1. How about your real name?

The obvious thing to do when you are trying to come up with your Grindr handle is to use your actual name — but it’s easier said than done, because then we’d have half a dozen torsos who are all called Karan or Matthew or Tony. What’s the next best thing? You add a number or two — but then, before you know it, you are mere characters away from using your first ever email address. Keep it simple, keep it easy.

As you wipe off those quick tears of nostalgia, and pat yourself on your back (because Raj3188has a nice ring to it) — just make sure the numbers aren’t the same as your ATM pin.

Cashing out emotions might be fine, but you don’t want someone to cash out your savings account.

2. It’s all about the location, location, location?

Too lazy to tell someone where you stay?

It’s simple — squeeze in your location into the twenty-five characters that make up your handle, and you’ll have more than one express delivery coming your way tonight. In all probability, this way you’ll also relate to being the friendly neighborhood GPS tracker — because with a name like BandraBoy or ConnaughtPlace_Cutie, you’ll only get asked for directions to your bachelor pad every other day.

3. So you want to be a Pop Culture nerd?

If you want your date to think you are the charming, quick-witted fox that you are obviously lying about being, it’s better to pull out a long forgotten reference from a book or a movie.

Word of advice: make sure it’s original and hasn’t been thought of before, because you’ll find a dozen other ReginaGeorge69’s out there who are looking for the same thing you are.

Someone to share their ‘Kälteen bars’ with.

At the same time, you don’t need to have the power of deduction to understand that a name as witty as SherlockHomos will only be appreciated by a select few, unless you are prepared for questions like ‘Are you a homo?’ or something even more succinct, like ‘I have the key for your lock. It’s my d*ck.’

PS: While every pop culture nerd craves another, do know that if a guy calls himself TheExcalibur and doesn’t get your funny King Arthur joke, it’s probably a good idea to hit the block button instead of trying to get him to join you at your round table.

4. Let’s talk about sex (or not)?

While this is the easiest way to get noticed, it’s also the story of every other account on Grindr — any reference to your size, sexual preference or fetish, and you are a guaranteed 30 minutes (15, if it’s the middle of the night) away from playing out your dirtiest fantasy with the naughty hottie from the neighborhood.

Whether you are HolePlugger, HighFun or Masc_for_Masc, your inbox is going to be full of messages that will get you your fair share of action, but remember, if you expect to find your future soul mate with a handle like Bottom4u, you are probably looking in the wrong place to begin with.

The Five Other Guys You Will Meet On Grindr

 

5 other grindr guys

We’ve already established that Grindr is a supermarket for gay men.

Whether you are shopping for turnips or torsos, you’d find some templates that will never fade away, just like the hickey from last Christmas — you’ve stared at the Torso’s six pack abs, shared salted peanuts with the Tourist and had your stress spots worked on by the Masseur, all in a previous version of The Five Different Guys You Meet On Grindr.

But has there ever been a dearth of men (and stereotypes) on everyone’s favourite hookup app?

Not really. While you haggle over beets and biceps at your neighborhood supermarket of sex, here are an additional five guys we’ve all had a dalliance with on Grindr:

1. The Druggie

The druggie comes in all shapes and sizes — tall, short, rugged, lean, stocky, smooth, and hairy — all marked by their characteristic glazed expression, and a nose that sniffs (but never runs). What does he run instead? His very own drug cartel on your friendly dating app — he’s sort of like Pablo Escobar, but without the killing and the love for cigars. The Druggie replaces his ‘Hi’s with ‘High Fun’s and always wants to know whether your ‘MDMA got you feelin’ like a champion.’ He sells everything from poppers to crystal meth (and even weed, to the less adventurous) and for the record, will only feel like breaking the bed when he’s Breaking Bad.

At the end of a really fast drug-fuelled day, our resident thrill seeker can only promise you one of two things — three hours of happiness or a trip to the urologist.

Either way, you might need a one-way ticket to rehab.

2. The Sapiosexual

If you eagerly text the Sapiosexual thinking that you’ll be able to have an in-depth debate about Syria’s refugee crisis or Rumi’s soulful poetry, you are almost certainly going to be disappointed. Being a sapiosexual, he craves intelligence, but you don’t need to ask the dictionary what it means, because he’ll tell you himself. However, a few texts with Mr Intelligent, and you’d realise that the only interesting thing about our friend here is the fact that he actually believes that Math will arouse him.

The word Sapiosexual is thrown around as casually as the phrase ‘sane and sorted’ on Grindr. It’s a security blanket he uses to keep the douchebags away, but he’s not fully aware that it makes him sound like one himself. The sapiosexual doesn’t throw any big words your way; he only throws questions — ‘what do u do?’, ‘Whr do u liv?’, ‘wnna meet nw?’ — for someone who craves intelligence, he doesn’t crave grammar much. But what else can you expect from someone who would confuse Stephen Hawking with Stephen Fry?

At the end of the day, how do you tell the sapiosexual from someone who can actually have an interesting conversation? Exactly six sentences in, he throws the quintessential question your way:
‘Do u has a dick pic?’

And that’s when you toss your brains out.

3. The Spambot

With his blonde hair, ripped body and good-natured face, the Spambot is your classic all-American frat boy. If he’s not flashing his dentist-approved smile, he’s probably flashing his washboard abs — his picture usually has him grinning cockily into a bathroom mirror, flashing both, with an expression that says, ‘Hey! What’s up? Are you ready for some lovin’?’

The spambot is thus, the perfect fix for your weekend. Only, he’s not real.

He begins with a simple, succinct ‘How do you do?’ and then trudges through a series of deeply NSFW sexts irrespective of how you respond. As you continue playing your very confusing game of textual table tennis, he asks you (very seductively) if you wish to watch him jerk off on his webcam. You politely refuse, but he sends you a dubious link anyway — one that would probably give your phone the digital version of Herpes.

The only giveaway to the Spambot’s otherwise blank profile? His height, listed at a meek 123 cms.

4. The Ghost

The Ghost is the Ranveer Singh of Grindr — he’s funny, not LOL funny, but actual ‘laugh out loud’ funny. The man gets pop culture references and sometimes, even plays Ping-Pong with them. He likes cats, loves Korean food and Netflix binges more shows than you do. He disses Haruki Murakami and swears by your favourite Margaret Atwood book. He’s someone you slowly see yourself spending the rest of your life with, as you text flirt with each other through countless late nights. Why is such a great guy single, you wonder?

And just when you are deciding whether you should buy matching towels or not, he disappears on you.

‘Hello?’
‘Hello?’
‘Hello?’

He’s gone without a trace, retreating into the ones and zeros to haunt another corner of the digital universe. That night as you cry yourself to sleep, you realise you’ll never see him again.

5. The One

The One is the perfect man you’ve been dreaming about, right since you bumped into your first Not Pictured (from our original five guys you meet on Grindr) — he’s the Prince Charming you get at the end of the really dark, depressing tunnel.

And it’s been a long ride indeed. The One’s dating profile is the missing jigsaw piece to yours. He’s everything The Ghost was and more. You click with him immediately, and give him your number even before your first conversation is over. He furiously texts you over the next few days until you work up the courage to call him one night, right after you down a few shots to calm your nerves.

His voice is the deep baritone you imagined. You giggle at all the right spots as he sets up a date (in a decently expensive restaurant where they serve soup in small plates). When you do meet each other, you realize that you are hopelessly falling in love. He’s your ‘everything perfect’. What do you tell people when they ask you how you met?

You’ll lie and tell people that you met while in the line at Starbucks, and you’ll continue your whirlwind romance right until the very end. But what do you do if it doesn’t work out with the One?

Well, there’s a Two, a Three, a Four and so on.

Meet The Men 3.0: The Sapiosexual

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Ranveir, 27, is a high-profile accountant with a high-profile MNC.
And yes, that’s how he describes himself.

He likes his matcha tea and his sourdough bread, and twice a month, he likes walking his dog on weekends. Ranveir guffaws at racist jokes, and occasionally ghosts a nice guy because ‘things are moving too fast, and I can’t handle all the expectations of this relationship’.

While the fact that he spells his name that way might ring a warning bell, something else seals the deal.

Ranveir is a self-proclaimed sapiosexual. How does it change anything?

Let’s get it straight. The word sapiosexual is thrown around as casually as the phrase ’sane and sorted’ is used on Grindr. It’s a security blanket used by boys to keep the douchebags away (completely unaware that it makes them sound like one too), assuming it’s going to draw in a string of smart, suave and eligible men straight to the bedroom (and beyond). But that’s the thing.

All the smart, suave, eligible men are taken.
And they don’t call themselves sapiosexuals.

Continue reading Meet The Men 3.0: The Sapiosexual

Yet Another 25 Men You Should Not Date in 2017

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What do you look for when you are looking for a great man?

Bright eyes? Undeniable wit? A smile that reaches his eyes? Billboard-style white teeth? An Instagrammable face? An ability to make you laugh and swoon at the same time? A closet full of expensive, Italian shoes that fortunately fit you too? A trust fund (that would be me, sorry)?

The list might be endless, but we all have our checklists ready when we are looking for our potential plus one.

While I can’t personally tell you whom you should be dating (because your life, your choice), I can definitely warn you against these 25 douchebags to look out for, and swerve around. Why?

Let’s just say that these men are so bad; they’d make me look like a nice person. Do you want to know more?

So without much further ado, never date a man who…

1. Says he secretly judges people who haven’t had ‘avocado on toast’.
You know what else they’ve not had? First world problems.

2. Adds an inspirational Internet quote to his display picture on Facebook.
I am sorry, but Rumi’s poetry doesn’t go very well with your shower room selfie at the gym.

3. Always brings up that one time you didn’t answer his call.

Especially in the middle of a fight, two years later. Even though he knew you were burying your beloved dead cat. All alone.

4. Substitutes his abs for a personality.
And while these abs (all six of them) might be dashing and full of manners in bed, they’d have a really difficult time having a conversation with your friends.

5. Says ‘Heeheehee’ instead of ‘Hahahaha’.
It just makes it sound like he-he-he’s up to something.

6. Corrects people’s grammar on Grindr.
He’s not at a book club; he’s only here to be sexually objectified like everyone else. If he wants to look more uppity, he could have his college degree up as his profile picture.

7. Pesters everyone he knows to say anonymous things to him on sayat.me.
How about sayat.me not?

8. Has his single malt with cola.
You never want that kind of negativity in your life.

9. Says something like ‘my ex is the reason why I haven’t been able to emotionally connect with anyone else ever since’.
Said every red flag ever.

10. Comments on YouTube videos.
And then gets upsets or sulks continuously when it doesn’t get enough up votes.

11. Surprises you with a threesome for your birthday.
Where the third is his ex boyfriend.

12. Uses the hash tag #NotAllMen
And still claims to be a feminist. Ugh.

13. Forwards you Whatsapp messages that need to be sent to ‘15 of your closest friends to avoid bad luck’.
Break out of the chain. Literally.

14. Wears glasses, even though he doesn’t have a prescription.
He says sapiosexual. I say douchebag.

15. Does not acknowledge his champagne breath.
Instead, offers you a breath mint as if you are dying of halitosis.

16. Claims to be a Twitter influencer.
Oh be still, my excitable heart — but make sure it’s in 140 characters or less.

17. Complains about how he had to skip out on the Justin Beiber concert because of work.
Maybe you should skip him instead?

18. Tells you that his favourite band is ‘an obscure indie one that you’ve probably never heard of ’ because they are that niche.

19. Is thrilled when he’s asked for his ID at the local pub.
Sure, some bored bartender validated your bag-free eyes, your lush head of hair and your perfectly lined teeth; but keep in mind he’s doing it only because he plans to earn that extra buck (or hundred) as a tip for being ‘such a darling’.

20. Sulks when you don’t compliment him for still fitting into his designer jeans from seven years ago.
Because his waist is not as large as his ego.

21. Is passive aggressive at the drop of a hat.
Including that one time you actually dropped his designer hat from Bloomingdale’s, and he asked you if you could be ‘a tad bit more careful’ the next time around. There was no next time around.

22. Calls himself a ‘connoisseur of fine men’.
That’s just a polite (and politically correct) way of saying he’s been around a lot.

23. Never calls his mother.
Unless she’s dead. Or abandoned him.

24. Disses you for listening to Lady Gaga.
But has Katy Perry’s Teenage Dream album favourited in his playlist.

25. Asks you for a picture on Grindr, even though his profile is blanker than John Abraham’s face.
And there’s a very high chance he doesn’t look like John Abraham either.

A 25 Other Boys Not To Date This Summer

For every right guy that you would want to find, you’d find a hundred wrong ones.

Wrong men are everywhere. They are at the bar, buying you a drink. They are at the bookstore, flipping through the latest Murakami novel, while smiling at you from the corner of their eye. They are even writing these very words that you are reading right now.

25 guys 1x1

Or maybe the wrong guy is doing one of these things, and you haven’t even realized it. So next time you think you are falling head-over-moccasin-heels with a potential Prince Charming, just be sure that you never, ever date someone who…

  1. Doesn’t shop at clearance sales.

Because I love spending multiple hours rummaging through stockpiles of clothes at reduced prices, just like I love spending multiple hours rummaging through my date’s deepest, darkest secrets.

  1. Calls himself a sapiosexual.

But then goes ahead and asks you for a picture of your junk the very next moment.

  1. Doesn’t like chicken biryani.

Because like they all say, do we really need that kind of negativity in our lives?

  1. Orders you your food on the first date without your permission.

Well if I want to eat two portions of fries with my double loaded beef burger, I will definitely eat it. Thank you very much for thinking that I’d prefer a chicken Caesar salad instead, okay?

  1. Who says ‘let’s get a cab,’ when you can easily walk.

Or says something like ‘Let’s walk it,’ when it actually does need to be a cab ride. An exceptionally long one.

  1. Has a ‘day for triceps’.
    How about having a day for your personality instead?
  1. Tags a photo with the hash tag #InstaGay

Maybe you should take a picture with the hash tag #IWillNotUseThisHashTagAnymore?

  1. Talks lyk dis 2 evry1 he knws.

Think about it this way, every time you misspell a word on purpose, Zara reduces their clearance sale by a day.

  1. Congratulates you on your work anniversary on LinkedIn.

Because the only people who are allowed to congratulate you on your work anniversary are your bosses, your parents and that lone person who you added three years ago in the hope that you would get a job at their firm. But you never did.

  1. Posts things that begin with ‘But you know that Donald Trump does have a point…’

Sigh. We all know that Donald Trump will never ever have a point, and so should you.

  1. Doesn’t proofread his tweets or Facebook posts.

There’s nothing more gut wrenching than a typo that stares you in your face at 2 am, just like a deep-rooted insecurity would.

  1. Thinks that a beer is validation enough to get into your pants.
    Try eight beers; two bottles of wine and a double set of jaeger bombs, you sweet summer child.
  1. Tags Instagram photos with #FeelingUgly when in fact, he looks like he’s just walked down the ramp for Calvin Klein.

Because real people have real problems – like how to get the toothpaste tube to squirt out that last bit of paste right at the end of the tube.

  1. Talks way too much about his ex.

He’s still not over him – it’s as simple as that. And you should get out of the picture, before he gets back under him.

  1. Hasn’t deleted his Google Plus profile yet.

If he hasn’t had time to delete his erstwhile profile from the dregs of the Internet, he’s obviously never going to have time for you.

  1. Doesn’t get the ‘Winter Is Coming’ reference.

Whatever happened to the good old nineties, back when geek culture was cool? Valar Morghulis, anyone?

  1. Loves telling you that he consumed only 1100 calories today.

Counting is appropriate only when it happens in math equations, pedometers and while splitting restaurant bills between groups of five or more – otherwise, it’s just plain unhealthy. In other news, I had 800 calories today, just for breakfast.

  1. Tells you he’ll never be ready for relationship.

He really, never will be. Trust me.

  1. Sends you regular naked selfies on Snapchat

Relax. He’s probably sending it to a dozen other boys just like you. And if he isn’t, why are you dating someone who sends you naked selfies everyday in the first place?

  1. Wears sunglasses indoors.

Like Larry David once famously said, ‘you know who wears sunglasses indoors? Blind people and douchebags.’

  1. Says things like ‘The only animals I like are the ones on my plate…’

‘Nuff said.

  1. Doesn’t know what ‘Netflix and Chill’ means.

Unless he’s meta, and all he actually wants to do is really just watch Netflix and just chill.

  1. Scorns at you for staying in the suburbs.

If the pin code is going to be a problem, so is the boy with the problem.

  1. Claims to be a vegan.

But occasionally eats ice cream on weekends. And the lone chicken burger every other month.

  1. Doesn’t know the difference between your and you’re.

Unless it’s Rachel Green from Friends – never give up an opportunity to go out with Jennifer Aniston, even if you are a raging homosexual.

 

So how many boys have been debunked yet?