Tag Archives: Grindr Culture

56 Things You’ll Think Of as You Wait For Your Date

 

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You are here.

You’ve been seated at your table, and are waiting for your date to show up. Unless you are the debonair, enigmatic gentleman that we all crave to be, your mind’s going to be a barrage of questions — will he like you? Will you like him? Should you have worn the other cologne? Why are your hands sweating so much? Does your breath stink? Will his breath stink? Is there time to go buy mouthwash?

Nervous sweats aside, here are 56 completely reasonable things to stress over while you wait for Mr ‘Let’s-hope-for-the-best’ to show up:

1. ‘Should I order red wine or white? The white’s way out of my budget, but who wants wine teeth?’

2. ‘ I should have worn my jeans. Damn, these trousers are too tight…’

3. ‘Does this dinner jacket make me look like I am trying too hard?’

4. ‘If he doesn’t look like his picture on Facebook, I am going to make an excuse and leave in 10 minutes.’

5. ‘Okay, 20 minutes.’

6. ‘Wait. Where did I keep my condoms?’

7. ‘No wine in that case.’

8. ‘Should I just have a beer before he gets here? Will it make my face look bloated?

9. ‘Only three drinks tonight, only three drinks tonight, only three drinks tonight…’

10. ‘I shouldn’t have had that sour cream and onion dip for lunch.’

11. ‘Does my breath stink?’

12. ‘Where’s my chewing gum?’

13. ‘Does my stomach look pudgy when I sit like this?’

14. ‘If he felt the need to tell me he was straight acting, should I keep all the Kardashian sisters off the table?’

15. ‘What about the Jenners?’

16. “Do I really want to be on a date with someone who calls themselves straight-acting?’

17. ‘I swear this is the last time I am going on a date this month.’

18. ‘OH WAIT. Did I leave my fridge door open?’

19. ‘No, I didn’t leave my fridge door open. But oh no, did I switch my geyser off?’

20. ‘Geyser’s off.’

21. ‘Booth or chair? Tough choice.’

22. ‘NOMG! I forgot to set up an SOS with a friend!’

23. ‘Should I do it now? Who should I text?’

24. ‘I hope he’s not the kind of person who brings up his ex.’

25. ‘Note to self: do not bring up the ex at all.’

26. ‘If I bring up my ex, will he automatically assume I am not over him?’

27. ‘Wait, am I over him?’

28. ‘Okay, I am over him. Now how do I look like I am really over him?’

29. ‘Should I go for a handshake or a hug when he turns up?’

30. ‘So if I sit on this side of the table, the light highlights my face better…’

31. ‘Okay, you can do this, you can do this, you can do this…’

32. ‘Is my voice deep enough?’

33. ‘Did I just finish this entire bread basket?’

34. ‘Have I left out food for the cat?’

35. ‘Brownie points for him if he’s not shaved off his beard.’

36. ‘I really hope he doesn’t notice the pimple on my chin. Maybe I should have let my beard grow.’

37. ‘Should I play it cool or should I play it hot?’

38. ‘I shouldn’t have come early, now he’s going to think I didn’t have anything better to do.’

39. ‘Do I really have anything better to do than be on this date?’

40. ‘Is that him? Oh, it’s not. I wouldn’t mind going out with this guy though.’

41. ‘Should I ask him about his dog? Would it be creepy if I told him I already stalked him on Instagram?

42. ‘What if he starts talking about Taylor Swift?’

43. ‘What if he doesn’t mention Taylor Swift?’

44. ‘He’s late, am I at the right bar?’

45. ‘If I text him to find out where he is, should I end it with an xx?’

46. ‘Will only one x work?’

47. ‘Should I check Grindr to see who else is around? Should I not? Should I? Should I not? Should I?’

48. ‘I am going to read through all our text messages to each other till he gets here. That seems like a great way to spend my time while I wait for him.’

49. ‘What if he finds my job boring?’

50. ‘If I go on about my job, will it look like I am bragging?’’

51. ‘Should I bring up my job at all?’

52. ‘WHERE IS HE?’

53. ‘Are the people at the next table judging me?’

54. ‘I should keep my eyes on my phone, and pretend to be busy.’

55. ‘Ooh, new level unlocked on Candy Crush!’

56. ‘Why is he not here yet? Am I being stood up? Damn, I should have not taken that cab to come here. Oh, there he is…’

The Guysexual’s Guide To Finding The Perfect Profile Name On Grindr

Profile Name Grindr_guysexual

 

Getting started?

You’ve got your best picture up on your profile — it’s at the gym, or the beach or has you sipping cocktails against the backdrop of the Statue of Liberty. Maybe you are even showing your washboard abs. Maybe you are smiling. Maybe you are smiling, as you show your washboard abs (side note: in which case, can I have your number, please?)

It’s still not working?

That’s right. You are getting all the unsolicited d*ck pics in the world, but no genuine hellos come your way (unless you want your hellos flapping away in your faces). I’ll tell you something. Sometimes choosing an interesting, well thought of name is the only thing that comes between getting a ping or a pass over — because pretty pictures of your dimples just don’t cut it anymore, when all you need is a nice boy to go have a beer with.

What do you do then?

It’s easy peasy. You start right from scratch. Now hurry over and use this guide to find yourself an appropriate online dating handle, because your six-pack clearly isn’t doing it for you:

1. How about your real name?

The obvious thing to do when you are trying to come up with your Grindr handle is to use your actual name — but it’s easier said than done, because then we’d have half a dozen torsos who are all called Karan or Matthew or Tony. What’s the next best thing? You add a number or two — but then, before you know it, you are mere characters away from using your first ever email address. Keep it simple, keep it easy.

As you wipe off those quick tears of nostalgia, and pat yourself on your back (because Raj3188has a nice ring to it) — just make sure the numbers aren’t the same as your ATM pin.

Cashing out emotions might be fine, but you don’t want someone to cash out your savings account.

2. It’s all about the location, location, location?

Too lazy to tell someone where you stay?

It’s simple — squeeze in your location into the twenty-five characters that make up your handle, and you’ll have more than one express delivery coming your way tonight. In all probability, this way you’ll also relate to being the friendly neighborhood GPS tracker — because with a name like BandraBoy or ConnaughtPlace_Cutie, you’ll only get asked for directions to your bachelor pad every other day.

3. So you want to be a Pop Culture nerd?

If you want your date to think you are the charming, quick-witted fox that you are obviously lying about being, it’s better to pull out a long forgotten reference from a book or a movie.

Word of advice: make sure it’s original and hasn’t been thought of before, because you’ll find a dozen other ReginaGeorge69’s out there who are looking for the same thing you are.

Someone to share their ‘Kälteen bars’ with.

At the same time, you don’t need to have the power of deduction to understand that a name as witty as SherlockHomos will only be appreciated by a select few, unless you are prepared for questions like ‘Are you a homo?’ or something even more succinct, like ‘I have the key for your lock. It’s my d*ck.’

PS: While every pop culture nerd craves another, do know that if a guy calls himself TheExcalibur and doesn’t get your funny King Arthur joke, it’s probably a good idea to hit the block button instead of trying to get him to join you at your round table.

4. Let’s talk about sex (or not)?

While this is the easiest way to get noticed, it’s also the story of every other account on Grindr — any reference to your size, sexual preference or fetish, and you are a guaranteed 30 minutes (15, if it’s the middle of the night) away from playing out your dirtiest fantasy with the naughty hottie from the neighborhood.

Whether you are HolePlugger, HighFun or Masc_for_Masc, your inbox is going to be full of messages that will get you your fair share of action, but remember, if you expect to find your future soul mate with a handle like Bottom4u, you are probably looking in the wrong place to begin with.