Twenty eight year old Prerit is a high-flying lawyer, with a high-flying life. He has a sea-facing apartment, a string of celebrity friends and a six figure American salary (with six pack abs).
A fulfilling life and a fully filled social calendar aside, Prerit is currently dating a discreet teacher who teaches primary-level English in an international school – he’s handsome, charming and articulate., and he’s everything Prerit could ever ask for. The only problem?
The Teacher’s idea of the perfect date is not at the top of a high-rise hotel, but between the sheets in the confines of his bedroom. He doesn’t believe in ‘doing dinners’ or ‘watching a movie’ (unless it stars the two of them, and is a home production). If and when Prerit prods, the Teacher tells him that ‘he likes things at his own terms, so give it a rest, will you?’
The Teacher is a classic case of the #BadNewsBoyfriend.
The #BadNewsBoyfriend is smart, good-looking and eloquent, and is usually the living representation of a Habitat For Humanity ad. He cares for the environment, he cares for the world, but he just doesn’t care for you. He might be the nicest person in the world, but he’ll still treat you like you are last weekend’s leftover egg salad (Without the kale, and the avocadoes.)
The one that even your dog won’t eat.
Like Prerit’s lesser half, how do you know if the object of your affection is less Prince Charming, more Prince Harming? Answer these twelve questions to decide how low the (current) love of your life falls on the boyfriend scale:
- It’s your birthday, and your significant other is out of town. What does he do?
a.) Flies down to surprise you, complete with fireworks and a seven member jazz ensemble to serenade you all day.
b.) Calls you at midnight, and couriers you a care package.
c.) Wishes you on Facebook, and sends you a dick pic as a secret treat.
d.) Forgets it’s your birthday.
- On an average, he messages you:
a.) Every few minutes. In fact you had to pause taking this quiz, because you were replying to his text.
b.) You wake up to a good morning text, and put yourself to sleep to a good night ping.
c.) Once a day.
d.) Once every week, usually at midnight. Especially when he’s alone. Even more so when he’s horny.
- You plan a hypothetical threesome with a celebrity. Your boyfriend chooses:
a.) No one. He can’t think of anyone to share you with.
b.) Ryan Gosling. Have you seen those perfect cheekbones and those kind eyes?
c.) Ranveer Singh, in red underwear.
d.) Hypothetical? He’s already in bed with two guys. Neither is a celebrity, nor is it you.
- You’re just back from a nice date, and ping him to tell him you had an amazing time, he:
a.) Replies immediately, with a wedding ring emoji.
b.) Replies within the hour, asking to see you the same weekend.
c.) Replies the next day, with a succinct, ‘let’s hang soon.’
d.) Never replies.
- For a quick getaway, you both plan to head to:
b.) A secluded beach that is a two-hour drive away
c.) The neighborhood mall
d.) Your bedroom
- His idea of a casual date for the weekend would be:
a.) Whisking you off to the hills for a panoramic lunch by the Himalayas.
b.) Brunch at your favorite restaurant, with endless mimosas and endless handholding.
c.) A movie, followed by two tacos and a soda to share. Dessert (amongst other things) at home after.
d.) Four hours of NSA sex. Which might include you.
- The last time you guys hung out, he took a cute picture of the two of you. What does he do with it?
a.) Prints it out and sends it to you through snail mail, attached with a love note.
b.) Puts it up on Instagram with a heartwarming caption. Counts the Likes and tells you about it.
c.) Lets the picture rot away in his archive of spam emails, forgotten contacts and undeleted messages.
d.) Threatens to out you to your parents and the police using the photograph as evidence. Blackmails you for money, and then uses it to holiday with his actual boyfriend. Who’s twice as hot as you are.
- At 8: 30 PM, he’s:
a.) With you.
b.) Talking to you.
c.) Doing this own thing, who knows?
d.) M.I.A for the past week, with a ‘last seen at 8:29 PM’.
- The last time you had a real heartfelt conversation with him was:
a.) Today. It felt like a Pablo Neruda poem.
b.) Two days ago, after a particularly poignant date.
c.) What’s a heartfelt conversation like?
d.) Does having him send you a dick pic count?
- You run into his friends while out on a date, and then he:
a.) Blushes, and introduces you as a date.
b.) Nonchalantly tells them that you are a friend.
c.) Says that you are a second cousin who’s visiting from out of town.
d.) Pretends that you don’t exist.
- In the middle of argument, your paramour:
a.) Apologizes and says he’ll never upset you again. Buys you a car to say that’s sorry.
b.) Realizes that things are getting out of hand, and reasons with you. You have amazing make up sex after.
c.) Can’t handle it, and breaks up with you.
d.) Hits you (or threatens to).
- A song that reminds you of him:
a.) ‘La Vie En Rose’ by Edith Pilaf.
b.) ‘Yellow’ by Coldplay.
c.) ‘Someone Like You’ by Adele.
d.) ‘Starboy’ by the Weeknd.
Like unicorns, mermaids and a size XL at the Zara store, the type A guy doesn’t exist. Perfect men are usually found in whitewashed romcoms and mushy romance novels, not in the dregs of the dating pool. The slim chance that a real-life version of Ryan Gosling’s character from The Notebook shows up on your doorstep (or right swipes on your Tinder profile), he’s only going to resent you when you can’t match his Cartier care packages and Balloon rides across Tuscany with overwhelming displays of affection of your own.
That’s not if you are overwhelmed by him in the first place.
Bring out the boyfriend shirts, because this one is a keeper. Somewhere between the eagerness of the type A and the aloofness of type C is your perfect Boy Next Door B. Like butter is to bread, Nutella is to your life, and Kanye West is to Kim Kardashian, this one’s the side B to the side A of your mix tape of love songs.
We might not be there yet, but you still have to tread with caution with this one. The C type is a ticking time bomb that sways dangerously between ‘I-am-going-to-make-this-work’ and ‘Oh-my-god-how-do-I-get-out-of-this?’ One minute he’s passionate and pulling you closer and the very next, he’s pushing you away to the next boy (or next mistake, because that’s what it will be).
At the end of the day, remember that Mr. C is only one Ed Hardy t-shirt (and a twelve pack of beer) away from spilling the contents off your heart all over the floor.
Side note: he’ll probably spill the beer too.
Texts that go unanswered, affection that goes unrealized and money that goes missing? Congratulations! You’ve hit the jackpot on the #BadNewsBoyfriend scale.
SPOILER ALERT: This is not going to end well – too many D’s can only lead to one thing: destruction. Our boy in question is so wrong; he could be the front-page headline for bad news.
And if that still doesn’t convince you, never forget that D stands for douchebag.