Tag Archives: Gay Dating

The Five Other Guys You Will Meet On Grindr

 

5 other grindr guys

We’ve already established that Grindr is a supermarket for gay men.

Whether you are shopping for turnips or torsos, you’d find some templates that will never fade away, just like the hickey from last Christmas — you’ve stared at the Torso’s six pack abs, shared salted peanuts with the Tourist and had your stress spots worked on by the Masseur, all in a previous version of The Five Different Guys You Meet On Grindr.

But has there ever been a dearth of men (and stereotypes) on everyone’s favourite hookup app?

Not really. While you haggle over beets and biceps at your neighborhood supermarket of sex, here are an additional five guys we’ve all had a dalliance with on Grindr:

1. The Druggie

The druggie comes in all shapes and sizes — tall, short, rugged, lean, stocky, smooth, and hairy — all marked by their characteristic glazed expression, and a nose that sniffs (but never runs). What does he run instead? His very own drug cartel on your friendly dating app — he’s sort of like Pablo Escobar, but without the killing and the love for cigars. The Druggie replaces his ‘Hi’s with ‘High Fun’s and always wants to know whether your ‘MDMA got you feelin’ like a champion.’ He sells everything from poppers to crystal meth (and even weed, to the less adventurous) and for the record, will only feel like breaking the bed when he’s Breaking Bad.

At the end of a really fast drug-fuelled day, our resident thrill seeker can only promise you one of two things — three hours of happiness or a trip to the urologist.

Either way, you might need a one-way ticket to rehab.

2. The Sapiosexual

If you eagerly text the Sapiosexual thinking that you’ll be able to have an in-depth debate about Syria’s refugee crisis or Rumi’s soulful poetry, you are almost certainly going to be disappointed. Being a sapiosexual, he craves intelligence, but you don’t need to ask the dictionary what it means, because he’ll tell you himself. However, a few texts with Mr Intelligent, and you’d realise that the only interesting thing about our friend here is the fact that he actually believes that Math will arouse him.

The word Sapiosexual is thrown around as casually as the phrase ‘sane and sorted’ on Grindr. It’s a security blanket he uses to keep the douchebags away, but he’s not fully aware that it makes him sound like one himself. The sapiosexual doesn’t throw any big words your way; he only throws questions — ‘what do u do?’, ‘Whr do u liv?’, ‘wnna meet nw?’ — for someone who craves intelligence, he doesn’t crave grammar much. But what else can you expect from someone who would confuse Stephen Hawking with Stephen Fry?

At the end of the day, how do you tell the sapiosexual from someone who can actually have an interesting conversation? Exactly six sentences in, he throws the quintessential question your way:
‘Do u has a dick pic?’

And that’s when you toss your brains out.

3. The Spambot

With his blonde hair, ripped body and good-natured face, the Spambot is your classic all-American frat boy. If he’s not flashing his dentist-approved smile, he’s probably flashing his washboard abs — his picture usually has him grinning cockily into a bathroom mirror, flashing both, with an expression that says, ‘Hey! What’s up? Are you ready for some lovin’?’

The spambot is thus, the perfect fix for your weekend. Only, he’s not real.

He begins with a simple, succinct ‘How do you do?’ and then trudges through a series of deeply NSFW sexts irrespective of how you respond. As you continue playing your very confusing game of textual table tennis, he asks you (very seductively) if you wish to watch him jerk off on his webcam. You politely refuse, but he sends you a dubious link anyway — one that would probably give your phone the digital version of Herpes.

The only giveaway to the Spambot’s otherwise blank profile? His height, listed at a meek 123 cms.

4. The Ghost

The Ghost is the Ranveer Singh of Grindr — he’s funny, not LOL funny, but actual ‘laugh out loud’ funny. The man gets pop culture references and sometimes, even plays Ping-Pong with them. He likes cats, loves Korean food and Netflix binges more shows than you do. He disses Haruki Murakami and swears by your favourite Margaret Atwood book. He’s someone you slowly see yourself spending the rest of your life with, as you text flirt with each other through countless late nights. Why is such a great guy single, you wonder?

And just when you are deciding whether you should buy matching towels or not, he disappears on you.

‘Hello?’
‘Hello?’
‘Hello?’

He’s gone without a trace, retreating into the ones and zeros to haunt another corner of the digital universe. That night as you cry yourself to sleep, you realise you’ll never see him again.

5. The One

The One is the perfect man you’ve been dreaming about, right since you bumped into your first Not Pictured (from our original five guys you meet on Grindr) — he’s the Prince Charming you get at the end of the really dark, depressing tunnel.

And it’s been a long ride indeed. The One’s dating profile is the missing jigsaw piece to yours. He’s everything The Ghost was and more. You click with him immediately, and give him your number even before your first conversation is over. He furiously texts you over the next few days until you work up the courage to call him one night, right after you down a few shots to calm your nerves.

His voice is the deep baritone you imagined. You giggle at all the right spots as he sets up a date (in a decently expensive restaurant where they serve soup in small plates). When you do meet each other, you realize that you are hopelessly falling in love. He’s your ‘everything perfect’. What do you tell people when they ask you how you met?

You’ll lie and tell people that you met while in the line at Starbucks, and you’ll continue your whirlwind romance right until the very end. But what do you do if it doesn’t work out with the One?

Well, there’s a Two, a Three, a Four and so on.

GuysexualRecommends: ‘The Gay Man’s Guide To Dating’ at Korner House

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Nine years ago, as I watched Sex and the City reruns, I had a dream. I craved to have a book reading for my (hypothetical) book, smile and pose for the press, and giggle with my friends over cocktails after – just like Carrie Bradshaw did (without all the bad decisions and bad boyfriends tbh). I was twenty and silly.

Over the next decade, my dreams and passions changed, and so did I – but this cringeworthy one remained. Did I want to keep calm and Carrie on?

Obviously, because ZOMG IT’S FINALLY HAPPENING!

Come along to the Korner House this Friday and watch (and laugh at if you want to) me read excerpts from my debut e-novel,  ‘The Gay Man’s Guide To Dating’ by yours truly (there’s a fun Q&A about douchebags, desirable men and dating dilemmas after, and I am full of zany one liners and undeniable wit). It’s going to be a riot of words (and delicious appetisers!)

What:  ‘Should I Call First? And other dating dilemmas resolved!’: An exclusive reading from ‘The Gay Man’s Guide To Dating‘ by Juggernaut Books.

Where: 6-8 PM, Korner House, 21, Union Park, Khar (West), Mumbai -400052

 

Why should you go: Come along if you are a friend. Come along if you are someone who supports the cause. Come along if you want to know more about LGBT culture. Come along if Mean Girls is your favourite film. Come along if you are looking for (fun) relationship advice (or want to secretly diss and judge people who do). Come along to cheer me on. Come along to heckle me along for all you want. JUST COME ALONG, PLEASE?

The Avengers of Online Dating: Six Super Liars To Stay Away From!

 

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Staggering amounts of people lie on their online dating profiles.

People lie about their age, they lie about their weight, they lie about what they do, and sometimes they even lie about ‘who they do’ (or don’t). We all like to pretend to be someone else once in a while, and we love doing so especially on our dating profiles — pulling on those masks of deceit, and becoming the best version of ourselves — if superheroes (and supervillains) like the Avengers can do it, why shouldn’t we?

While our favourite ensemble might be gathering troops and picking sides to fight the Infinity War in the recently released trailer, these are the six (Sc)Avengers (doing the rounds of the online dating world) that you definitely need to avoid giving your infinity stone to:

The Hulk

In all his glory, the Hulk is your bulked up Adonis, with a profile to match. With his bulging biceps and cheekbones that need to grace a GQ feature, he looks like the ultimate Men’s Health model. But while it’s common for all of us to fudge the details of our height and weight a little (adding an inch or two or subtracting a kilogram or two from our stats as we fill up our profiles and our egos), the Hulk takes it to a whole new level.

I’ll let you in on something.

The Hulk has lied about his high cheekbones. He has lied about his side obliques that can cut glass. He even lied about those buns of steel. In all probability, your modern day Bruce Banner is a gawky 17-year-old who’s voice is just breaking.

Just like your heart is right now.

The Black Widow

Raj was verbally abusive. Sam told him to go see a therapist. Danny would never call back. Kabir found it hard to commit. Rajeev never stopped calling. Shyam decided to tell his friends why they broke up. Tom called up his mom to tell her that her son is a psycho. Akbar called him a cheating scumbag. Ryan threatened to set his house on fire.

Do you see the pattern? You obviously do. The Black Widow spins a gossamer web of lies that’s built on douchebag exes, quivering voicemails and heartbreaking breakups.

But that’s the thing. If a boy spews venom about an ex or two, it’s fine — we all have relationships that sour out. But if he badmouths every boy he’s ever been with, the chances that you are next on his kill list are as just as likely.

The Hawkeye

The Hawkeye is always watching.

With his keen sense of intuition and the hours he’s spent lurking on your social media feed, (memorising your tweets and liking your brunch pictures on Instagram) he knows the virtual version (and shape) of you by heart.

He knows you like your matcha tea, reality television and Internet cat videos. He knows you prefer your coffee black and your boys brown. He knows the street you live on, and (if he’s good), he even knows your bank account details.

He’ll use all these details to woo you: crack a ‘Bachelor in Paradise’ joke that he probably picked up from the internet, share a Instagram photo of his matcha Frappuccino, or tag you in a viral cat meme — it’s like a meet-cute from a movie, but also it’s just as scripted. He’ll continue pursuing you with all his likes and lies till he steals your heart away.

And if things don’t work out, he’ll use his skills to steal all your money instead.

The Iron Man

The Iron Man seems like he’s the Tony Stark of the online dating world. He’s suave, charming and seems like a man who knows everyone who matters — he tells you he’s had breakfast with A-listers from Bollywood (he’ll tell you about how Ranveer Singh makes the best gluten-free pancakes), he went bowling with Rob Kardashian that one time he was in Los Angeles (before the whole Blac Chyna showdown, obviously) and exchanges daily texts with the crown prince of Saudi Arabia (where they talk about stock prices and women’s rights).

‘I know so many famous people, I don’t think of them as famous people any more’ he gushes to you, over text. When you do take the leap of faith and believe him, and casually ask to share pictures of him with all his red carpet buddies — he mysteriously disappears on you, and you never get the VIP Pass access to his pants.

The Thor

Your blue-eyed boy is perfect on paper — he’s sweet, good-natured and (also) a treat to look at, plus his profile is spiked with inspirational quotes that change your life. He’s so amazing; he could be your custom-made Prince Charming on steroids. Does that sound too good to be true?

Because he is too good to be true. Your god of thunder is all rumble, and no spark when you two actually do meet, which will only happen once you share a dick pic on Grindr — after which the transformation from demigod to douchebag is as certain as another Thor sequel (the real one).

PS: No points for guessing that he doesn’t come with Thor’s magic hammer either (in his pants, or otherwise).

The Captain America

Our Captain America is sitting miles and miles away — either in a leased apartment that is the size (and smell) of a matchbox, or a hostel dorm room dang in the middle of Nowheresville — but here you have your favourite dating app telling you he’s saying hello just from two blocks away.

The king of fake GPS, our resident globetrotter travels all over the world looking for that special someone. He spends breakfast scouting for boys in New York, wastes lunch looking for men in Paris and grabs dinner as he swipes through all the guys in Delhi — he might not have the money to tour the men around the globe, but he definitely has the APK tool kit on his smartphone to look at (and talk to) all of them. Chances are that as you read this sentence, he’s probably cosying up to dudes in Amsterdam, while he flicks channels in his flat in Ahmedabad.

Yet Another 25 Men You Should Not Date in 2017

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What do you look for when you are looking for a great man?

Bright eyes? Undeniable wit? A smile that reaches his eyes? Billboard-style white teeth? An Instagrammable face? An ability to make you laugh and swoon at the same time? A closet full of expensive, Italian shoes that fortunately fit you too? A trust fund (that would be me, sorry)?

The list might be endless, but we all have our checklists ready when we are looking for our potential plus one.

While I can’t personally tell you whom you should be dating (because your life, your choice), I can definitely warn you against these 25 douchebags to look out for, and swerve around. Why?

Let’s just say that these men are so bad; they’d make me look like a nice person. Do you want to know more?

So without much further ado, never date a man who…

1. Says he secretly judges people who haven’t had ‘avocado on toast’.
You know what else they’ve not had? First world problems.

2. Adds an inspirational Internet quote to his display picture on Facebook.
I am sorry, but Rumi’s poetry doesn’t go very well with your shower room selfie at the gym.

3. Always brings up that one time you didn’t answer his call.

Especially in the middle of a fight, two years later. Even though he knew you were burying your beloved dead cat. All alone.

4. Substitutes his abs for a personality.
And while these abs (all six of them) might be dashing and full of manners in bed, they’d have a really difficult time having a conversation with your friends.

5. Says ‘Heeheehee’ instead of ‘Hahahaha’.
It just makes it sound like he-he-he’s up to something.

6. Corrects people’s grammar on Grindr.
He’s not at a book club; he’s only here to be sexually objectified like everyone else. If he wants to look more uppity, he could have his college degree up as his profile picture.

7. Pesters everyone he knows to say anonymous things to him on sayat.me.
How about sayat.me not?

8. Has his single malt with cola.
You never want that kind of negativity in your life.

9. Says something like ‘my ex is the reason why I haven’t been able to emotionally connect with anyone else ever since’.
Said every red flag ever.

10. Comments on YouTube videos.
And then gets upsets or sulks continuously when it doesn’t get enough up votes.

11. Surprises you with a threesome for your birthday.
Where the third is his ex boyfriend.

12. Uses the hash tag #NotAllMen
And still claims to be a feminist. Ugh.

13. Forwards you Whatsapp messages that need to be sent to ‘15 of your closest friends to avoid bad luck’.
Break out of the chain. Literally.

14. Wears glasses, even though he doesn’t have a prescription.
He says sapiosexual. I say douchebag.

15. Does not acknowledge his champagne breath.
Instead, offers you a breath mint as if you are dying of halitosis.

16. Claims to be a Twitter influencer.
Oh be still, my excitable heart — but make sure it’s in 140 characters or less.

17. Complains about how he had to skip out on the Justin Beiber concert because of work.
Maybe you should skip him instead?

18. Tells you that his favourite band is ‘an obscure indie one that you’ve probably never heard of ’ because they are that niche.

19. Is thrilled when he’s asked for his ID at the local pub.
Sure, some bored bartender validated your bag-free eyes, your lush head of hair and your perfectly lined teeth; but keep in mind he’s doing it only because he plans to earn that extra buck (or hundred) as a tip for being ‘such a darling’.

20. Sulks when you don’t compliment him for still fitting into his designer jeans from seven years ago.
Because his waist is not as large as his ego.

21. Is passive aggressive at the drop of a hat.
Including that one time you actually dropped his designer hat from Bloomingdale’s, and he asked you if you could be ‘a tad bit more careful’ the next time around. There was no next time around.

22. Calls himself a ‘connoisseur of fine men’.
That’s just a polite (and politically correct) way of saying he’s been around a lot.

23. Never calls his mother.
Unless she’s dead. Or abandoned him.

24. Disses you for listening to Lady Gaga.
But has Katy Perry’s Teenage Dream album favourited in his playlist.

25. Asks you for a picture on Grindr, even though his profile is blanker than John Abraham’s face.
And there’s a very high chance he doesn’t look like John Abraham either.

The Guysexual’s Guide To Being The Boy

 

GUIDE TO BEING THE BOY!.jpg

Like the It Girl, The Boy is every stereotypical gay man’s wet dream – he’s the main character of every queer romance novel, and is the (secretly gay) gentleman who all the girls fight tooth and manicured nail over on primetime television. Everyone knows The Boy – he’s spoken about at wine soirees, intimate house parties and exclusive bars, or cooed over at Sunday sundowners, gallery openings and garden bistros (invite only). The society wives call him the most eligible bachelor in town, and although their husbands don’t like him, they all play golf together every second Sunday of the month – in short, he’s everything I’ve ever wanted to be.

In my opinion, The Boy is as much of a slice of perfection as he is a figment of imagination – he’s like an alternative, much-nicer version of Mr. Darcy from Pride and Prejudice, without being the douchebag in the beginning.

But who is The Boy? Where does he come from (and where does he go)? Do you know The Boy? Could you be the boy?

If you don’t have a clue, here’s a checklist that might help:
Continue reading The Guysexual’s Guide To Being The Boy

A 25 Other Boys Not To Date This Summer

For every right guy that you would want to find, you’d find a hundred wrong ones.

Wrong men are everywhere. They are at the bar, buying you a drink. They are at the bookstore, flipping through the latest Murakami novel, while smiling at you from the corner of their eye. They are even writing these very words that you are reading right now.

25 guys 1x1

Or maybe the wrong guy is doing one of these things, and you haven’t even realized it. So next time you think you are falling head-over-moccasin-heels with a potential Prince Charming, just be sure that you never, ever date someone who…

  1. Doesn’t shop at clearance sales.

Because I love spending multiple hours rummaging through stockpiles of clothes at reduced prices, just like I love spending multiple hours rummaging through my date’s deepest, darkest secrets.

  1. Calls himself a sapiosexual.

But then goes ahead and asks you for a picture of your junk the very next moment.

  1. Doesn’t like chicken biryani.

Because like they all say, do we really need that kind of negativity in our lives?

  1. Orders you your food on the first date without your permission.

Well if I want to eat two portions of fries with my double loaded beef burger, I will definitely eat it. Thank you very much for thinking that I’d prefer a chicken Caesar salad instead, okay?

  1. Who says ‘let’s get a cab,’ when you can easily walk.

Or says something like ‘Let’s walk it,’ when it actually does need to be a cab ride. An exceptionally long one.

  1. Has a ‘day for triceps’.
    How about having a day for your personality instead?
  1. Tags a photo with the hash tag #InstaGay

Maybe you should take a picture with the hash tag #IWillNotUseThisHashTagAnymore?

  1. Talks lyk dis 2 evry1 he knws.

Think about it this way, every time you misspell a word on purpose, Zara reduces their clearance sale by a day.

  1. Congratulates you on your work anniversary on LinkedIn.

Because the only people who are allowed to congratulate you on your work anniversary are your bosses, your parents and that lone person who you added three years ago in the hope that you would get a job at their firm. But you never did.

  1. Posts things that begin with ‘But you know that Donald Trump does have a point…’

Sigh. We all know that Donald Trump will never ever have a point, and so should you.

  1. Doesn’t proofread his tweets or Facebook posts.

There’s nothing more gut wrenching than a typo that stares you in your face at 2 am, just like a deep-rooted insecurity would.

  1. Thinks that a beer is validation enough to get into your pants.
    Try eight beers; two bottles of wine and a double set of jaeger bombs, you sweet summer child.
  1. Tags Instagram photos with #FeelingUgly when in fact, he looks like he’s just walked down the ramp for Calvin Klein.

Because real people have real problems – like how to get the toothpaste tube to squirt out that last bit of paste right at the end of the tube.

  1. Talks way too much about his ex.

He’s still not over him – it’s as simple as that. And you should get out of the picture, before he gets back under him.

  1. Hasn’t deleted his Google Plus profile yet.

If he hasn’t had time to delete his erstwhile profile from the dregs of the Internet, he’s obviously never going to have time for you.

  1. Doesn’t get the ‘Winter Is Coming’ reference.

Whatever happened to the good old nineties, back when geek culture was cool? Valar Morghulis, anyone?

  1. Loves telling you that he consumed only 1100 calories today.

Counting is appropriate only when it happens in math equations, pedometers and while splitting restaurant bills between groups of five or more – otherwise, it’s just plain unhealthy. In other news, I had 800 calories today, just for breakfast.

  1. Tells you he’ll never be ready for relationship.

He really, never will be. Trust me.

  1. Sends you regular naked selfies on Snapchat

Relax. He’s probably sending it to a dozen other boys just like you. And if he isn’t, why are you dating someone who sends you naked selfies everyday in the first place?

  1. Wears sunglasses indoors.

Like Larry David once famously said, ‘you know who wears sunglasses indoors? Blind people and douchebags.’

  1. Says things like ‘The only animals I like are the ones on my plate…’

‘Nuff said.

  1. Doesn’t know what ‘Netflix and Chill’ means.

Unless he’s meta, and all he actually wants to do is really just watch Netflix and just chill.

  1. Scorns at you for staying in the suburbs.

If the pin code is going to be a problem, so is the boy with the problem.

  1. Claims to be a vegan.

But occasionally eats ice cream on weekends. And the lone chicken burger every other month.

  1. Doesn’t know the difference between your and you’re.

Unless it’s Rachel Green from Friends – never give up an opportunity to go out with Jennifer Aniston, even if you are a raging homosexual.

 

So how many boys have been debunked yet?

 

Is Online Dating The Serial Killer Of Romance?

Viraf, a thirty-something brand manager loves plaid, soy lattes and expensive single malt. Like most quintessential gay men that I know, Viraf is on the lookout for ‘shake-me-by-my-shoulders’ love – the one that you find in dog-eared romance novels and primetime soaps. To further his cause for finding romance, Viraf goes out on a new date every week (while sleeping with twice the number of people in the same time) – and falls in love every month. It’s a tough life, but he survives (and so does his wallet).

Serial Killer

Continue reading Is Online Dating The Serial Killer Of Romance?