Tag Archives: First Impressions

The Milestones Of Falling In And Out of Love

 

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Falling in love is a lot like running a marathon. Based on how well you are prepared, you either give up midway or sprint through the finish line of long-term bliss. If you are happy, you start of fresh, and end up raring to go all over again.

But whether your romance is a race, a haiku poem, a star-studded musical, an epic trilogy or a game of chess, here are the ten milestones you’ll cross in every relationship:

Hello

Congratulations! You have a new match!

Whether you found your recent paramour on Tinder, Grindr or Bro, there’s no denying that he has something that the other torsos (infesting the dating app of your choice) don’t. You giggle over puns, gush over the fact that both of you love yoga (after organic tea) and secretly screenshot his volunteering pictures from his time last year with Habitat for Humanity. You spend nights flirting over Grindr, lighting up with every beep.

At some point, you realise it makes sense to take it to the next level. You exchange your digits, because it’s too early to exchange rings.

Text-dancing

You’ll soon play a Ping-Pong game of texts, sending sweet nothings to each other that sometimes really mean nothing at all. It’s a dance — sometimes it’s the rumba, sometimes it’s the salsa, sometimes it’s a good ol’ fashioned waltz. It’s a constant struggle of who messages first: will he? Won’t he? Will he? Won’t he?

It feels hopeless.

After many sleepless nights spent waiting for a text so you don’t seem desperate by sending two in a row (until you eventually mesh into a mash of texts, photos, memes and plans to meet for coffee), you’ll reach the point where you don’t care who’s supposed to message next.

And you’ll send him one yourself.

First kiss

The kiss is the universal shorthand for intimacy. One minute you are smiling and stumbling your way into each other’s arms, and just like that, you are there — even before you can stop and ask for directions. It hits your core, and tingles all the way down to your Vitamin D deficient toes. The first kiss is a relationship milestone that usually makes its way to long-forgotten journals and recycled rom-coms, so make sure it counts.

Side note: Brownie points if he makes the first move. Even more brownie points if you make the first move.

Sex

You’ve bought the fresh new sheets. You’ve bought the condoms. You’ve bought the oils. And if you’re feeling fancy, you’ve even bought some aromatherapy candles. You’ve huffed and puffed and planned to blow the house down. Your romp lasts the entire duration of the La La Landsoundtrack, and feels like it too.

You might have liked it. You might have not. You might have clawed at his chest. You might have clawed at his back. You might have come. You might have not. Irrespective of whether you’ve orgasmed or not (because you like him enough to ignore the average sex for a while), you race your libido to the next stage.

The Honeymoon

Drool all over each other, and store your love in pictures on your phone and empty condom wrappers. Go on a date. Go on two. Go on a dozen. Go on a gazillion dates. Seize the moment, and capture as much of this phase as you can, because you are going to need it when you are old and withered.

Meeting the friends

You slowly permeate into his inner circle, while secretly hating each and every one of his friends. You courtesy and smile your way through the gang, answering the same questions over and over again till your smile freeze frames into a Polaroid picture. You guffaw with them about his exes (even though you don’t want to) and tell them the heartwarming tale of how you met (even though they don’t want to). Everyone knows you are a breakup away from never seeing each other ever again

As you repeat anecdote after anecdote, he tilts back his head and gives you a reassuring nod. You smile back because you can’t wait for him to do the same.

Moving in

You’ve made all the right moves till now, and you’ve officially reached move day.

Your toothbrush joins his, and your painkillers find their own little sweet spot in his shower cabinet. Your socks tangle with his, your underwear finds its own intimate drawer, you even find your side of the bed (the one that doesn’t face the window). You are just moments away from getting matching towels.

As you unpack and spread your life all over his, applaud. This is where the rollercoaster begins.

First fight

It starts off with something small. An unanswered phone call. An unfed cat. A vague remark on their weight that may or may not have coincided with their birthday. You begin with a few well-placed jabs — a passive aggressive joke here, an eye roll there, it’s all in good humour. And then before you know it, the riptide of witty banter transforms into verbal blows — Why? How? What? When?

As you bombard each other with words, stares, rolls of clothes and love bites, you have an epiphany. You are in your first official fight, but you’ll make peace with it — a scar that heals, but never fades. You’ll walk out of your cocoon into the next one.

Congratulations! You’ve moved on to the next level.

Moving away

This is when it gets tricky. Bags are packed, kisses are exchanged, but feelings are not. He’s going to leave a boyfriend-sized hole in your heart, and it sucks at your soul as if it were the last sip of Coca Cola. One of you is moving away. To a different school. To a different neighbourhood. To a different city. A different state. A different country. A different continent.

You survive, as long as it’s not a different person.

Settling In

You’ve reached that point when you can function without needing each other all the time. There’s love; but it’s hidden behind boxes of Chinese takeout and IOU’s on the fridge. You wake up, and kiss him without worrying about morning breath. Sometimes, you don’t even take a shower before dinner. You aren’t a jigsaw puzzle anymore, but you occasionally solve one on Sundays.

This might take weeks, it might take months, and sometimes, it might even take years. But when it does, take solace in the fact that you’ve reached the white noise. Enjoy the complacency.

You’ve reached end game.

Meet The Men 3.0: The Sapiosexual

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Ranveir, 27, is a high-profile accountant with a high-profile MNC.
And yes, that’s how he describes himself.

He likes his matcha tea and his sourdough bread, and twice a month, he likes walking his dog on weekends. Ranveir guffaws at racist jokes, and occasionally ghosts a nice guy because ‘things are moving too fast, and I can’t handle all the expectations of this relationship’.

While the fact that he spells his name that way might ring a warning bell, something else seals the deal.

Ranveir is a self-proclaimed sapiosexual. How does it change anything?

Let’s get it straight. The word sapiosexual is thrown around as casually as the phrase ’sane and sorted’ is used on Grindr. It’s a security blanket used by boys to keep the douchebags away (completely unaware that it makes them sound like one too), assuming it’s going to draw in a string of smart, suave and eligible men straight to the bedroom (and beyond). But that’s the thing.

All the smart, suave, eligible men are taken.
And they don’t call themselves sapiosexuals.

Continue reading Meet The Men 3.0: The Sapiosexual

The 13 Boys You Should Never Introduce To Your Mother

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It’s almost time for Mother’s Day – which means it’s time to dig through your phones and find that one picture you have with her from two years ago, and post in on Instagram as gratitude for the decades of love and affection she’s thrown your way.

Or better, you can just share a part of your life with her, and skip the flowers and the cake (I know you’d eat that too). How about introducing her to the boy instead, maybe over a dinner she cooks for the three of you?

See, what you did there?

In all cases, getting your mom to meet your (hopefully) significant other is a big deal – she’s made most of your big decisions in life, so she can help you make this one too.

He might be the perfect guy you’d bring home on a platter for the mother, or someone who isn’t worth the bother (but you still want to see how it goes), just make sure you avoid taking these thirteen men back home, if you don’t want your mum to give you a disapproving glare the morning after:

The Sycophant

The sycophant is every mother’s wet-dream-come-true. On paper.

He’ll bring her a care package of almond cookies (and a bottle of Monet) when he meets her, and pile her with compliments when he’s not piling her plate with refills of her own cooking – does your hair always look so lovely? Can you please give me the recipe for this spinach casserole? How do you get your roses to bloom so well? Where do you get your gorgeous sarees stitched? Isn’t your son the handsomest? (Yeah, she knows).

She’ll see through his ass licking in a minute, but won’t tell you right away just because she doesn’t want to break your heart. He’ll eventually break your heart, when two months later in the middle of a fight; he’ll tell you he thought her spinach casserole was too salty.

The First One

You are always excited about the first guy you ever date – after countless years of having a one-sided relationship with your right hand, you’ve finally met the One – he’s decently charming, reasonably good looking, and most importantly, seems as invested in this as you are. Seems like a great guy to introduce to mum, no?

Wrong. The first guy you ever date is going to be the first big mistake of your life – he’s going to be rude, awkward and strongly unsuitable in the longer run, which your mom will tell you in as many words when you do make them meet.

Let’s keep it simple. Don’t make introducing him to your mother the second big mistake of your life. Introduce him to your bed instead.

The Pedigree

The pedigree is rich, successful and an encyclopedia of table manners – and like a Tupperware sale, he leaves your mother happy and flustered at the same time. She doesn’t know how to react to him.

What will he eat? Will he judge the throwaway rug? Or the faded love seat? Will he love her chicken roast? What do we talk about? No matter how many times you tell your mother to calm down, she won’t.

And there as you see your mother trying her best to impress the Duke of Delhi with her home baked scones and chamomile tea (in her best china), you’ll see your relationship crack, just like the bone china will one day.

 The Chatterbox

Mother wants to talk at the dinner table too, thank you very much.

The Recluse

But at the same time, don’t take back a man who just sits there and lets your mum go on and on and on – about your incessant drinking, your financial woes, your bladder problems from back when you were six, and lastly, your inability to commit.

The Temp

 You met Kabir while backpacking across Cambodia. He wears a sarong, bathes thrice a week and peppers his conversations with quotes by the Buddha. As you mother peppers his salad (because he won’t touch anything that has been slaughtered for his plate), she’ll worry that he’s going to go away soon – or worse, take him with you.

The Rule Breaker

It looks like things haven’t changed since the time you were a fifteen-year-old prepubescent teenager. You like the rebel – he’s unorthodox, and smells of motor oil, aftershave and testosterone. Your mother only smells bad news (she doesn’t serve dessert at the dinner table that night, only dirty glares).

Just remember one thing: you say devil-may-care, your mother says douchebag.

The Bore

On the other hand, when you bring home someone who is too nice, she’ll look at you pitifully and ask you why you aren’t ‘trying harder’. ‘Go live a little,’ she’ll whisper to you encouragingly as Sam eats his pizza with a knife and fork.

Mothers, I tell you. You can never please them.

 

The Second Hand

 He’s been someone’s lover. Someone’s boyfriend. Someone’s husband. Your mother looks at him the same way she looks at the half-priced second hand cane furniture at the antique store.

With distrust, because she thinks he’s probably infested with mites.

The Best Friend

They get along as soon as he walks in through the door. They coo over your baby pictures, solve Sudoku over tea and gush about the best ways to extract aloe vera juice straight from the plant. They’ll eventually meet for secret lunches where they gossip about the crappy Mother’s Day gift you got her last year, over endless glasses of Mimosa and small plates of canapés.

This is one ménage de trois you definitely won’t enjoy.

The Scrooge

While your mother might enjoy giving you the occasional lecture for being a spendthrift (did you really need those clothes? Who spends half their salary on drinks at the bar? Is it important to go for your friend’s bachelor trip to Bangkok? Who would have known lobster risotto can cost so much?), she wouldn’t like you spending the rest of your life with a Scrooge.

From your PlayStation to those Italian loafers she got you for your last birthday, she’s spoiled you with some of the best things in life. And she’d want your future plus one to do the same.

And if it means the Cartier bracelet for her big 75th, why not? She can only hope.

 The ex

You’ll want to show your mother that you are mature enough to be friends with the ex, but she’ll know that you are probably hooking up with him the very same night.

She’ll give you a box of condoms as a parting gift the night of, and a stern lecture the morning after.

The Rebound

She won’t tell you it’s too soon, but she will roll her eyes as you gush about how perfect he (and his timing) is. When you do get him over to meet her, she’ll be polite and warm, but won’t make any efforts to remember his name or what he does.

When you start talking about your sister’s wedding over tea, an invitation will be avoided, and so will his eyes. She’ll call your ex the same night (the one that she gets along with) and tell him how you are spiralling without him. He’ll reconsider your breakup, and call you the very next morning.

You’ll eventually get back together with him, and live happily ever after. The mother will celebrate over a glass of wine (but she’ll never tell anyone she was the one who pulled the strings).