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The Five Other Guys You Will Meet On Grindr

 

5 other grindr guys

We’ve already established that Grindr is a supermarket for gay men.

Whether you are shopping for turnips or torsos, you’d find some templates that will never fade away, just like the hickey from last Christmas — you’ve stared at the Torso’s six pack abs, shared salted peanuts with the Tourist and had your stress spots worked on by the Masseur, all in a previous version of The Five Different Guys You Meet On Grindr.

But has there ever been a dearth of men (and stereotypes) on everyone’s favourite hookup app?

Not really. While you haggle over beets and biceps at your neighborhood supermarket of sex, here are an additional five guys we’ve all had a dalliance with on Grindr:

1. The Druggie

The druggie comes in all shapes and sizes — tall, short, rugged, lean, stocky, smooth, and hairy — all marked by their characteristic glazed expression, and a nose that sniffs (but never runs). What does he run instead? His very own drug cartel on your friendly dating app — he’s sort of like Pablo Escobar, but without the killing and the love for cigars. The Druggie replaces his ‘Hi’s with ‘High Fun’s and always wants to know whether your ‘MDMA got you feelin’ like a champion.’ He sells everything from poppers to crystal meth (and even weed, to the less adventurous) and for the record, will only feel like breaking the bed when he’s Breaking Bad.

At the end of a really fast drug-fuelled day, our resident thrill seeker can only promise you one of two things — three hours of happiness or a trip to the urologist.

Either way, you might need a one-way ticket to rehab.

2. The Sapiosexual

If you eagerly text the Sapiosexual thinking that you’ll be able to have an in-depth debate about Syria’s refugee crisis or Rumi’s soulful poetry, you are almost certainly going to be disappointed. Being a sapiosexual, he craves intelligence, but you don’t need to ask the dictionary what it means, because he’ll tell you himself. However, a few texts with Mr Intelligent, and you’d realise that the only interesting thing about our friend here is the fact that he actually believes that Math will arouse him.

The word Sapiosexual is thrown around as casually as the phrase ‘sane and sorted’ on Grindr. It’s a security blanket he uses to keep the douchebags away, but he’s not fully aware that it makes him sound like one himself. The sapiosexual doesn’t throw any big words your way; he only throws questions — ‘what do u do?’, ‘Whr do u liv?’, ‘wnna meet nw?’ — for someone who craves intelligence, he doesn’t crave grammar much. But what else can you expect from someone who would confuse Stephen Hawking with Stephen Fry?

At the end of the day, how do you tell the sapiosexual from someone who can actually have an interesting conversation? Exactly six sentences in, he throws the quintessential question your way:
‘Do u has a dick pic?’

And that’s when you toss your brains out.

3. The Spambot

With his blonde hair, ripped body and good-natured face, the Spambot is your classic all-American frat boy. If he’s not flashing his dentist-approved smile, he’s probably flashing his washboard abs — his picture usually has him grinning cockily into a bathroom mirror, flashing both, with an expression that says, ‘Hey! What’s up? Are you ready for some lovin’?’

The spambot is thus, the perfect fix for your weekend. Only, he’s not real.

He begins with a simple, succinct ‘How do you do?’ and then trudges through a series of deeply NSFW sexts irrespective of how you respond. As you continue playing your very confusing game of textual table tennis, he asks you (very seductively) if you wish to watch him jerk off on his webcam. You politely refuse, but he sends you a dubious link anyway — one that would probably give your phone the digital version of Herpes.

The only giveaway to the Spambot’s otherwise blank profile? His height, listed at a meek 123 cms.

4. The Ghost

The Ghost is the Ranveer Singh of Grindr — he’s funny, not LOL funny, but actual ‘laugh out loud’ funny. The man gets pop culture references and sometimes, even plays Ping-Pong with them. He likes cats, loves Korean food and Netflix binges more shows than you do. He disses Haruki Murakami and swears by your favourite Margaret Atwood book. He’s someone you slowly see yourself spending the rest of your life with, as you text flirt with each other through countless late nights. Why is such a great guy single, you wonder?

And just when you are deciding whether you should buy matching towels or not, he disappears on you.

‘Hello?’
‘Hello?’
‘Hello?’

He’s gone without a trace, retreating into the ones and zeros to haunt another corner of the digital universe. That night as you cry yourself to sleep, you realise you’ll never see him again.

5. The One

The One is the perfect man you’ve been dreaming about, right since you bumped into your first Not Pictured (from our original five guys you meet on Grindr) — he’s the Prince Charming you get at the end of the really dark, depressing tunnel.

And it’s been a long ride indeed. The One’s dating profile is the missing jigsaw piece to yours. He’s everything The Ghost was and more. You click with him immediately, and give him your number even before your first conversation is over. He furiously texts you over the next few days until you work up the courage to call him one night, right after you down a few shots to calm your nerves.

His voice is the deep baritone you imagined. You giggle at all the right spots as he sets up a date (in a decently expensive restaurant where they serve soup in small plates). When you do meet each other, you realize that you are hopelessly falling in love. He’s your ‘everything perfect’. What do you tell people when they ask you how you met?

You’ll lie and tell people that you met while in the line at Starbucks, and you’ll continue your whirlwind romance right until the very end. But what do you do if it doesn’t work out with the One?

Well, there’s a Two, a Three, a Four and so on.

Ask The Guysexual: Love And Other Drugs Vol. II

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How soon is too soon to tell someone you love them? Can texting out of the relationship be considered as a classic example of emotional cheating? How can you ask a man what he loves in bed without sounding rude (or creepy)? Are there going to be any more misleading questions that I plan to use as click baiters?

Ding ding ding. We’ve got a winner right here! Now find answers to all these questions and more in #AskGuysexual’s Love And Other Drugs: Vol. II… (Oh, and you might want to catch up on Vol.I.)

Continue reading Ask The Guysexual: Love And Other Drugs Vol. II

Ask the Guysexual: Love And Other Drugs: Vol. 1

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Gay men have a lot of questions.

Ever had one you were too embarrassed to ask the therapist? A doubt you didn’t know which friend to turn too? A plea that had no solutions in sight? A worry that might seem small to everyone else, but was as big as your crush on Bradley Cooper?

 It’s time to hold on to those message-in-bottles, or the grand trek you plan to make to the Himalayas to question the almighty, because your truly is right here to solve all your dick-related doubts. How do I find love? Where do I meet men? How do I know if my crush is gay? Am I expected to carry condoms for a nightcap? How do I make a clean exit (pun intended) the morning after? Can I wear loafers with a cardigan on a first date? Should I wear a cardigan on a first date? Is the gorgeous man at the gym someone I should pursue over protein supplements and Pilates? Do I need protein supplements to find love?

Find answers to these questions and more in the newest #AskGuysexual feature – Love And Other Drugs: Vol. I:

 

Q. I have this tiny crush on a boy from my French class, but I think he might be slightly out of my league. Should I go tell him anyway?
– Besotted_You
A. I am going to keep this short and simple. There’s only one question you have to ask yourself. Is the boy-in-question Ryan Gosling (or insert-superstar-heartthrob-of-your-choice)?

If the answer is no, then you should just go for it – If they say no, you’ll have a laugh about it in a few weeks, become best friends because the ice will have broken – and then use the story in the toast, when you effectively end up as the best man at his beachside wedding soiree in Goa (where you will hook up with another one of the groomsmen, who you’ll eventually end up dating).

And if your answer is yes, then 200 points to you for being friends with Ryan Gosling in the first place – that’s so much swag; it needs to be sold in a clearance sale. What do you do then?

Just go for it.

 

Q. At the risk of sounding like a sex-craved maniac (which I am not), how soon is too soon to hook up with someone you’ve met on Grindr?

– EzeeA
A. Have I ever told someone that I am Grindr only to find a friend?

Yes.

Has said someone believed me when I’ve said that?

Yes.

Have I laughed out loudly and then chugged a bottle of wine shortly after?

Yes again.

Let’s face it – Grindr is a ticking time bomb for sex – it’s not only about the how or the why, it’s more about the when (and the where, but that is another story) when you are talking about hooking up with the hirsute hottie of the week.

You might not want to sound like a prick (Let’s skip dinner, shall we?) or a prude (why hello there, cobwebs of my underwear!), but ultimately, it’s your decision at the end of the day. One can bonk someone anywhere between the wide spectrum of ‘I-know-what-his-younger-brother-does’ and ‘He-thinks-my-shirt-looks-great-so-I-should-probably-sleep-with-him!’ In fact, if you even give out to someone at ‘Hey-can-I-buy-you-a-drink’, no one’s going to judge you – there’s no such thing as ‘too soon’ in Grindrsville. There’s a now, never and everything in between.

Just make sure you carry a condom.

Side note: Unless the drink is a glass of cheap wine, in which case your choice of drink is more questionable than your choice of how easily you put out.

Q. I’ve been trying to find friends on Tinder since 2015, but everyone I talk to seem to think that I only want to sleep with them. Help me out?

– K. Das
A. Most people like to think of Tinder as the supermarket for singles. You go up and down aisles, picking up the ones you look and swiping off the ones you don’t. Assume you are going to the market to buy avocadoes – you’d buy some, but then you would also end up buying cilantro. And maybe, even some jalapeños. (Side note: hey, maybe you are making some guacamole. In that case, call me over for dinner?) At the same time, some people come to only buy jalapenos. Or oranges. Or apples. Or even toilet paper (well, you get the gist.)

Finding a friend is like buying jalapeños when you want to buy avocados at the supermarket – you don’t decide to, it just happens – unless you end up buying half the hypothetical supermarket, in which case you might need a therapist or just a break from Tinder. Different people want different things, and there’s always a high chance you’d find someone who wants to buy the same thing you do (to make guacamole). All this supermarket analogy aside, here are a couple of questions you have to ask yourself.

  1. Do you have a half-naked picture of yourself up as your display picture?
  2. Are you flexing your biceps in said picture?
  3. Have you ever asked anyone to come over for some ‘Netflix and chill’ without even knowing what Netflix (and chill) is?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, chances of finding a friend on Tinder are going to be slightly more difficult than trying to read the news without having Ranveer Singh plastered all over it. You just can’t help it.

Q. I’ve a very insightful question. Can one ever find true love on Grindr?

– BroZoned4Lyf

A. People find love in the strangest places – at the supermarket (Excuse me, do you want to buy those turnips?), the coffee shop (Hey, is this seat taken?), the bar (Hi, this might sound weird but can I buys you a drink?) the book store (If you like that book, I know just the one that you should buy!) and sometimes even the dentist’s (I am here for a filling, what about you?)

Finding true love on Grindr is a lot like finding true love at any one of these places (Hello, Love your abs. Can we go get a drink?) – just because it happens online, doesn’t make it any less real – it’s like bumping into someone at the book store, only this is not a bookstore, and the bumping happens on the phone. (Side note: there’s a lot more bumping happening all around you, but let’s pretend we don’t notice it, shall we?)

Now go let Grindr be your Fairy Godmother.

Q. I’ve spent the last few nights tossing in bed because I have a huge problem. I might be developing feelings for my best gay buddy, and I don’t know what I should do. What do you suggest?

– LoveLorn2012
A. What have all great Romcoms taught us (apart from the fact that bangs are cool, and you will most likely end up with your high school sweetheart)?

That it’s easier to fall in love with the best friend than it is to fit into your jeans after you’ve had seven burritos at Taco Bell. But then again, life is no Romcom movie. Falling in love with the best friend is always a tricky thing – how close are the two of you to begin with? Do you watch an occasional movie together? Bitch out the new office intern during lunch hour? Braid each other’s hair while watching late night reruns of Grease? (Just kidding, no one braids each other’s hair anymore.)

Do gay best friends work the same way conventional best friends do? There’s always that thin shroud that cloaks every friend we come in contact with – it’s the diplomatic version of the friend-zone, only politer. One minute you are both ogling at that cute boy sitting two tables away from you at the restaurant, and the other you are trying to awkwardly avoid each other. So what do you do if he doesn’t feel the same way?

The thing about great friendships is that they can withstand anything – so if your friend can’t deal with your confession and just not let it go, he probably wasn’t that great a friend to begin with.

If that happens, you can always have a cupcake.

Have questions that you need answers to? Tweet them over to @theguysexual and get them answered in #AskGuysexual’s Love And Other Drugs: Volume II next month!