Tag Archives: 2017

The Guysexual’s Guide To Being Ghosted: Vol. II

 

ghosting.jpg

As Arvind learnt last week, being left in the lurch (in the middle of a hypothetical relationship) can be quite haunting. One minute Aarav was muttering sweet (and legal) nothings into his ear; the very next, he had disappeared into nothingness.

Poof. It was that simple. Just like that, he was gone — having retreated into the ones and zeros to haunt another corner of the digital universe (or according to Arvind’s worst fears, another boy).

It’s happened to the best of us. For the uninitiated and the ignorant, ghosting refers to the highly anecdotally pervasive act where someone ends a relationship by simply disappearing. The Ghost does not give any explanations, leaving the ghosted to wonder where he went wrong.

Which brings us to the single most important question (after you’ve asked yourself how many bottles of wine you’d need to get over that messy break-up).

Do you feel like something strange is happening in YOUR (romantic) neighborhood? Are you worried about facing these demons of douchebaggery all alone? Scared that someone will spirit your feelings away? Keep those phones back in your pockets (and I’ll keep the horror puns to myself); because you don’t need The Ghostbusters on speed dial just yet. What do you do then?

It’s easy. Just read through, and follow this five-step process to make sure you survive what I call the ‘Halloween Hijinks of Heartbreak’:

1. Recognise you can feel angry

Go break that glass. Tear out that book. Punch that bag. Write that scathing email (but don’t send it). Watch a romcom. Watch a dozen romcoms. Watch romcoms till you get sick of watching romcoms. Shatter that vase. Scream out loud. Go for a run. Cry. Get sad. Feel angry. You need to.

Repeat till you make peace with yourself and are whole-heartedly happy, because you deserve every bit of it.

2. Don’t blame yourself

Unless you killed his pet dog, had sex with the twin brother or set fire to his house, it’s not your fault (and it never will be), so don’t even go there.

Now write out a list of reasons why you hate him and learn it till you can recite it in your sleep. You dodged a bullet with this one, so go celebrate with some beer (and a few boys).

3. Call him out

Teachers, lawyers, policemen, landlords and mothers — everybody needs answers, and so do you. Remember that it’s better to reach out for answers than reaching out for that large bottle of wine (although if you want wine, just go ahead).

Make sure that you are okay, and if you can get yourself to, ask him for a reason(s). If he replies — hear him out and make peace with it, because that will only save you countless hours (and bills) at the therapist’s. But stop at that one time.

He doesn’t want to get back, and neither should you.

4. Cut him out completely

Delete those texts. Erase those pictures. Unfollow him on Instagram, Twitter and Snapchat and Unfriend him on Facebook. Remove every trace of him, (virtual and otherwise) so that the no bits or bytes of him survive — compete to make it full and final, so that you can never get back in touch with him.

Because sending him a sloppy text message (or forty) at a quarter past three in the morning does not earn you any prizes.

5. Know that there’s still some hope left in the world.

Will it happen again? Should you ever fall in love? Why don’t you just delete Grindr? Take Tinder off your phones maybe? How about going on a dating detox? Who needs the right guy when you have your right hand? Don’t think about it. Just because it happened to you once (or twice), doesn’t mean that it will happen every single time. Sure, the graphic designer with the soft, wavy hair and twinkling eyes might have seemed like the One, but there are too many fish in this sea (and too many graphic designers with soft, wavy hair and twinkling eyes).

Now go fish.
Just make sure you throw back the ones you don’t need.

Hello, 2017: Every gay man’s wish list for the new year

2017

 

Hello, 2017.

Sorry for getting here late, but can we call for some aperitifs?

We might have said our goodbyes to 2016 with a list of resolutions only last week, but I’ve a habit of replacing my calendars faster than I replace my boys. As I bring in the New Year with anti-hangover pills and super-sized bottles of water, here are a few of my out-of-the-spotlight hopes for a more fabulous, less frightening 2017:

1. A dating app that people honestly use to find real dates.

Goodbye, Grindr. It was great knowing you, but I think it’s not working out.

Whatever happened to good ol’ fashioned dating, you ask? 2016 did. Most dating apps are breeding grounds for fuckboys (and other such men) who’d rather have you than the crème brulee you plan to share with them after dinner. How about we go for a movie, have tacos at a concession stand and laugh over how great a time we had over dessert before I decide whether or not I want to be your dessert?

2. A goodbye to Section 377

While Section 377 bans consensual sex between any two gay men, what it really bans is my hope for the future of humanity. It’s finally time to say goodbye to the century old law, just like it’s time to say goodbye to the ex who never called back after the seventh date.

PS: Let’s just keep the regression to our primetime soaps for now?

3. More LGBTIQ inclusive curriculum in schools

Can you imagine a world where boys don’t get bullied for being effeminate? Where derogatory terms aren’t passed around like a joint during recess? Where social hierarchy does not push all the LGBT kids to the bottom rung of the ladder? Where it’s cool to wear brogues to class? Where gay is a quaint little synonym for ‘happy’, not a slur that gets thrown around at school (like I did)?

Neither can I, which is why it is important to pave way for more LGBTIQ inclusive curriculum in schools. The more you expose kids to gay culture; the more sensitive men (and women) you raise for the world (and for theatre).

4. A friendly neighbourhood gay bar

No, we don’t want a bar that seeks us out every other Saturday of the month — we want a bar where we can be ourselves every day of the week. Although we might like drinks and drunken banter at the niche pub halfway across town, we’d love it a lot more if we could have them without the masks and your musky colognes.

5. Fewer stereotypes in cinema

There’s a small part of my brain that plays Karan Johar’s Dostana on loop whenever I feel too cocky about my sexuality. While the Indian film industry could do with equal pay for both men and women, it could also do with gay characters that aren’t the husband-snatching, diva-quoting caricatures that they are often shown to be.

Fawad Khan’s deliciously well-written (and well essayed) role in 2016’s classic Kapoor and Sons is a great place to begin, and 2017 should only welcome more such roles (and actors). What would the movie theatres welcome then?

Me.

6. Clearance sales that actually count

Know that feeling when you walk into a high-end store that boasts of a massive 70 percent discount only to walk out 15 minutes later because it’s only valid on the white V-neck that is two sizes too small?

I bet you do. Let 2017 be that year when a cashmere sweater isn’t as expensive as a two-week trip to Kashmir, and the only thing that is out of my budget is the ridiculously cute store manager who stands by the scarves.

7. A gay man’s handbook for love, sex and relationships that is the norm.

How soon do you text someone back after a great date? Is it okay to wear plaid on a first date? How do I separate the bad boys from the lot? Do I put out before the third meeting? What should my beside drawer hold? Do I ask too many questions? What we really need are answers to all of these and more — maybe a Lonely Planet-like guide for lonely men?

Honestly, 2017 is the year when we could all do with a dating manual, so that the next time we all get our hearts broken (and it will happen again), we know exactly how to fix it back and try all over again.

Just like 2017 is.