Ask The Guysexual: Love And Other Drugs Vol III

guysexual LOVE AND OTHER DRUGS VOL.3

Gay men collect questions like they collect friends.

Want to pack up and move on to the next step of your relationship with your boyfriend? Is mauve better than lavender? Does love really not cost a thing? How soon is too soon to say those three words, eight letters? Am I really as cynical as I seem online? More importantly, do you think I am cynical?

Now find answers to all these questions and more in #AskGuysexual’s Love And Other Drugs: Vol. III:

Dear Guysexual,

I’ve been in a loving relationship the past few months, and my boyfriend wants us to move in together.  I really don’t mind, but his parents keep visiting every few months and I am not sure whether I am ready for that kind of intensity in the relationship.  What should I do?

— BoomMate

Dear BoomMate,

Moving in with the boyfriend is the boss level at the end of every video game — your toothbrush joins his, and your antidepressants find their own little sweet spot in his shower cabinet. Your socks tangle in a passionate mess, your underwear finds its own intimate drawer, you even find your side of the bed (the one that doesn’t face the window). You are officially just moments away from getting matching towels. As you unpack and spread your life all over his, applaud. This is where the rollercoaster begins.

But it’s not necessarily where it ends either. When living with your parents can be quite the task, living with a set that belongs to someone else can be trickier — this is the bonus level where you fight a new big bad for brownie points. Firstly, you’ll have to deal with the following questions:

Do you say hello at breakfast just hours after you’ve done the nasty with their son?

How much small talk do you make as you ask them to pass the salt?

Are you supposed to make small talk as you ask them to pass the salt?

Most importantly, is it even polite to ask them to pass the salt?

It can go either way — you might be tugging at their heartstrings with heartwarming stories of your day at work, or playing tug of war for your boyfriend’s attention instead. It’s a risk everyone has to take at some point in his or her life, but is it one you want to take?

Like I said, you’ll be asking a lot of questions before you choose to pack those boxes up — just make sure you have the answers to them before you decide to split the rent (and the time with his parents).

Or you just might have to move away with the same boxes you arrived with.

Dear Guysexual,

I met a really great guy close to two months ago, and our relationship has skyrocketed ever since. I met his friends, and he met mine — and everybody is gaga about each other. I read somewhere that when you meet the One, you just know, and I feel like he’s the One for me. Do you think it’s too soon to tell him I love him?

— LoveFool91

Dear LoveFool91,

Quick question. Do you know what New Year’s Eve, the microwave and the American Billboard Top 100 have in common?

They all have a ticker — a numerical countdown that trickles down to the grand prize as you watch with bated breath — in this case, the New Year (and a new you), hot food, and everyone’s favourite top-rated song that’s currently playing at all the clubs around the world.

That’s the thing about tickers — they make everything about the destination, and leave little for the journey — how often do you hear of people who made their resolutions at 11.57 pm, or jive to no. 9 on the Billboard Top 100?

Just about never. Fortunately, there’s no countdown when it comes to love — because no ticker can ever tell you if you are ready to tell someone how you feel about them. Yes, every little instance counts to the big moment — your first fight, your first kiss, the first time you went to buy groceries together, the first time you bickered while out on a weekend getaway, the first time you spilled your drink on his shirt, the first time you farted, but every little instance is also the big moment. There will be many firsts, just like there will be the first time you tell him you love him.

If you feel like he’s the One, make sure you tell him right away.

Just make sure you don’t do it while you are farting.

Dear Guysexual,

It’s amazing that you’ve been solving matters of the heart for everyone else, but I was wondering if there’s someone who does it for you — what’s your secret?

— ConcernedGuy4You

Dear ConcernedGuy4You,

Firstly, I am going to take that backhanded compliment and store it in my tiny jar of self-validation — it’s little things like these that make me hate myself a little less every morning.

Just kidding. I love myself.

And that’s my secret.

I learn, laugh, love and live. You’ve probably seen the same advice on a DIY Pinterest board, because that’s where I saw it as well. If people learned to appreciate themselves a wee bit more, I wouldn’t be paying my bills writing an advice column.

PS: Although when it comes to matters of the heart, I just consult The Gay Man’s Guide To Dating (out now on Juggernaut Books) by the Guysexual (yours truly). Shameless self-promotion aside, sometimes even the ‘self-help section’ of the library needs help, just like everyone else does.

Have questions that you still need answers to? Tweet them over to @theguysexual and get them answered in #AskGuysexual’s Love And Other Drugs: Volume IV next month!

 

The Guysexual’s Guide To Being Ghosted

9 telltale

Arvind, an aspiring playwright in his mid twenties, met Aarav less than a year ago.

Aarav, (a successful lawyer) was slightly older (and thus, slightly more attractive), slightly aloof (and thus, slightly more interesting) and knew his ‘writs from his wrongs’ – once Arvind heard the pun (over Mai Tai’s that the lawyer paid for), there was no going back. It was love at Act 1 Scene 1, a scene-by-scene straight out of one of Arvind’s unfinished plays.

Aarav was the right measure of roguishly charming and endearingly enigmatic – every time they met had been a flurry of interesting conversation, stolen kisses and rapid heartbeats.

And multiple lawyer jokes.

As he made his way home from their last date (they split the bill and dessert, before they split ways), Arvind had a strong feeling that Aarav just might be the One. It happens to the best of us. People stare, but you don’t care. You smile, and can’t wait to see him again.

Only you don’t, because Arvind didn’t either.

The phone wouldn’t ring. Messages lay bare, and unanswered. Emails came with automated replies. Was it real? Was he in trouble? Had he lost his phone? Was he dead?

It was worse.

He had been ghosted, and the future father of his adopted twins had vanished without a trace. No explanations were given, only regrets.  Arvind had a funeral for the broken pieces of his heart soon after.

They never woke up from the dead.

That’s the thing about being ghosted – the Ghoster often disappears without a memo – which makes switching from ‘Honey! I am home!’ to ‘three unanswered calls’ as effortless as riding a bicycle, and equally daunting. How do you tell that he’s going to vanish in a puff of smoke? Or make sure that he’s not another cold case in your history of failed romances?

While it can be quite the rude shock (especially when you’ve already started planning the beach side wedding in your head), here are a few hints that show he might have been planning the greatest heist of them all for a while:

1.      He’s always busy.

One second he’s feeding you strawberry tarts, and the very next, he’s so busy he needs a clone just to reply to your texts (see point 9). He’s always occupied with something slightly more important – a friend’s birthday. An office conference. His sister’s giving birth. His dog is sick. His sister’s giving birth again. But at the end of the day, when you check his daily planner (and don’t even deny that you will), you’ll see that it’s been emptier than his soul.

2.      And if they are not, they cancel plans.

Cancelling plans is the first chapter in the beginner’s guide to ghosting.  Sure, he’ll make plans with you, but he’ll seem less excited than someone who’s just about to get their root canal done.

And then one fine day, he’ll text you and ask you to meet him for a beer. He’ll cancel three hours later, when you are already half a cab ride away.

Congratulations! You are just two to four weeks away from being ghosted for good.

3.      They’ve dropped hints that they aren’t looking for something serious.

By saying something that goes along the lines of ‘hey, so I am not looking for anything serious,’ 

4.      You’ve never met any of his friends.

Does he have any? Who does he have those brunches with? Which school did he go to? Where have all those fridge magnets come from? Who are all those people in his pictures? If he feigns deafness at all of these questions, you are signing up for trouble – after all, the number of friends you know is inversely proportional to how difficult it is for a guy to ghost you. Don’t want to be ghosted?

Keep your friends close, but keep his friends closer.

5.      You have a gut feeling.

And it’s probably right. Follow it and end things, before he ends your will to ever date again.

6.      They have more excuses than the government.

And they are equally dubious.

7.      Their texts are short, really short.

This is how it starts – their texts go from being giant anecdotes asking about your life, to monosyllables to singular grunts till they reach the classic ‘use-only-in-case-of-emergency’ K.

I am not saying that each text has to be a short story, but if you feel like you’ve had longer conversations with your pet dog, then you are clearly texting yourself towards doom.

8.      They take forever to respond to your texts.

Apart from the following reasons, there is no other plausible excuse for a person to not reply to a text within the hour:

·         He’s driving.

·         He’s sleeping.

·         He’s dying.

If he still takes forever to long, it’s time to forever say goodbye.

9.      They don’t respond to your texts.

Well, if they aren’t responding to your texts, they aren’t just thinking of ghosting you, they’ve already ghosted you.

The fact is that being ghosted can be the death of you, and equally haunting (pun intended) – it can leave you sad, depressed, broke (the retail therapy won’t pay for itself, will it?) and terribly insecure. What do you do then?

Do you swear off men? Swear off romance? Swear off lawyers? Swear off scary movies because your recent heartbreak was such a horror flick?

No, you wait for the sequel to this piece.

Just like you wait for the sequel to the boy.

The 50 Other Things You Hear At Every LGBT Party

 

Guysexual PARTY.jpg

You can sum up every gay party broadly into two categories: free flowing boys, and free flowing cocktails. What else is there to life, you ask?

Great vibes, endless pitchers of sangria and pretty boys aside, each soiree is also a bundle of sassy one-liners and anecdotes — ones that you’d be (most definitely) lending a ear to, when you are not lending a cigarette to the hot boy across the dance floor. We’ve already swept through 50 of such well-worded gems at a previous party; but there’s always space for more, just like there’s always space for that one last drink. Are you ready to put the contestants on RuPaul’s Drag Race to shame?

Here are 50 other cult lines you’ll hear on your way to the bar, as you push your way through a gaggle of sequined men at the next LGBT rager:

1. ‘I’ll have a regular beer. Do you have change for 2000 though?’
2. ‘I should have just come straight to the after party…’
3. ‘But wait, there is an after party, right?’
4. ‘Oh damn! Hide me! I hooked up with that guy two weeks ago, and I don’t want to say hi!’
5. ‘Can you make me a vodka soda with four cubes of ice? Hold the soda…’
6. ‘If I stand right next to the bar, do you think someone will buy me a drink?’
7. ‘Why were you in the bathroom for so long?’
8. ‘He’s not my type, you can have him,’
9. ‘Oh wow! Can you believe it? He really looks nothing like his Grindr profile picture!’
10. ‘Today’s guest list is like my Grindr screen, you know what I mean?’
11. ‘Next time I come here, I am going to get a straight friend along so I am not the most awkward person in the room…’
12. ‘Hold my drink? I heard that the smoking zone is where all the cute boys are…’
13. ‘They really need to hold these at a different club — I feel like I’ve embarrassed myself in front of all the bartenders here…’
14. ‘I am scared to go the restroom! Maybe I’ll just hold it in…’
15. ‘Okay, just because you are in a relationship doesn’t mean you need to have your blinders on like a horse! Do you see the open buffet that I do?’
16. ‘I am telling you! He was definitely wearing the same clothes the last time around.’
17. ‘I think I need a shot of tequila to calm my nerves, okay, make that three shots of tequila…’
18. ‘What’s this I heard about you planning to call it a night and leave early? The party’s not over till they hand out the plastic cups!’
19. ‘Umm, I’ve been waiting here for like five minutes for my drink…heelllooo?’
20. ‘Umm, I don’t want to sound awkward, but is your Grindr name TheExcalibur by any chance? You look really familiar!’
21. ‘I only came to this one because it was 15 minutes away….’
22. ‘If his pants get any tighter, he’s going to need some surgery.’
23. ‘When was the last time I saw you? At Fashion Week two months ago? Why didn’t you come say hi? I was right by the bar!’
24. ‘Can you split that on two credit cards?’
25. ‘I can’t wait to get into a relationship just so I can stop coming to these gigs, to be honest.’
26. ‘Hi! Can I buy you a drink? No? Your friend, maybe?’
27. ‘I can’t believe he just called me bro.’
28. ‘Is it too soon to ask someone if I can bump a cigarette off them?’
29. ‘Oh wait! I don’t remember if I’ve slept with him or not…should I go and say hi?’
30. ‘Are you serious? Who comes to these alone?’
31. ‘I might have gone overboard with the pre-gaming. I am feeling slightly sick. Why didn’t you tell me that chugging that entire bottle of wine was a bad idea?’
32. ‘I am just going to find myself a corner and make fun of everyone else here…’
33. ‘I don’t know whether I am drunk or not, but I feel like I need to tell you that I’ve never had an orgasm.’
34. ‘I can’t believe I went on a two day salt cleanse for such a dull night, but tell me – can you see my cheekbones? Do they look like they can cut through glass?’
35. ‘I can’t believe I had to go through three hours of grinding for another night on Grindr.’
36. ‘I don’t know whether it’s the techno music, the lights or my gin and tonic, but I really feel like the bartender was hitting on me right now.’
37. ‘How many calories do you think a glass of sangria has?’
38. ‘Did all the hot men collectively decide to sit this one out?’
39. ‘On a scale of 1 to 10, how “effortlessly put together” do I look?’
40. ‘If he’s a seven on the dance floor, he’s most definitely a nine in bed…’
41. ‘I am going to play a game where I count the number of people who I’ve blocked on Grindr.’
42. ‘This crowd is so 2012!’
43. ‘That man in the corner looks like my math professor from school… oh wait, hold on… OH MY GOD…it is my math professor from school!’
44. ‘Who cares about Section 377 when all the boys out here are elevens!’
45. ‘My beer goggles are definitely not helping tonight.’
46. ‘Who calls them beer goggles? Call them Scotch sunnies or gin glares, maybe?’
47. ‘Seriously, does anyone know where the after party is?’
48. ‘There are more gay men here than the ZARA clearance sale!’
49. ‘Do you have any idea what the DJ is playing? He’s cute though…’
50. ‘I think I said hi to him twice tonight — do you think he’ll think I am hitting on him? Is it okay if I am hitting on him?’

The Guysexual’s Guide To Freedom

 

freedom biyatch

What does freedom mean to me?

Wearing pyjamas on a Monday. Heading out on a vacation in the middle of January. Eating (and owning) eight bars of dark chocolate in one sitting. Netflix binging all week. Not replying to a text right away. Not feeling guilty about any of it.

Freedom might mean a lot of different things for each of us, but for the quintessential gay man in India, it means a lot more — the freedom to dress how they want, the freedom to love who they want, but most importantly, the freedom to be who they want.

At the end of the day, what else do you need independence from in India? You don’t need to answer the question; it was rhetorical.

But then again, the answers needn’t be. As Independence Day charges at us with all its tri-coloured glory, here are 15 different ideas that (gay) men need instant freedom from, this 15 August:

1. Body-shaming
I’ve said it before and I will say it again — square, round, fat, skinny, triangular, muscled, average, toned, thin, beefed up or even trapezoid — gay men (or anyone, for that matter) come in all shapes and sizes. As long as they are not a trigonometric equation, learn to appreciate all of them.

2. Patriarchy
Fun fact: did you know what makes a man (or woman) highly irresistible?
Their ideas on equality (and inclusivity).

3. Section 377
Because Section 377 is as redundant as Pahlaj Nihalani’s opinion right now. Let’s dust off the Constitution of India, and dust off those blues, shall we?

4. Bigotry
We all need to left swipe on extreme right wing propaganda – especially the one that opposes anything that is even remotely LGBT, including your (just the right amount of inappropriate) man crush on Rahul Khanna. Respect other people’s opinions like you would respect your mother on her birthday (or Mother’s Day).

5. Self hate
The only kind of people who hate gay men more than the bigots from above?
Gay men themselves. Internalised homophobia is real, boys and girls — it’s time to address the problem out in the open. Just like you should be.

6. Crocs
You might need freedom, boys — but your open toes don’t. The monsoons are over, so keep those crocs where YOU don’t belong — right at the back of your closet.

7. Judging relatives
Just like Apple’s license agreement and the disclaimer at the beginning of every movie, opinions of overbearing relatives are ticks that don’t need your attention.

8. Social media stress
The world might be going to war (here’s looking at you, North Korea and the United States of America) and I’ve still spent hours wondering why my #TransformationTuesday isn’t getting any Instagram love at 3 pm. It’s time to switch off the smart phones, and switch off that stress. I’ll probably go to the gym and work on my glutes instead.

9. Toxic love
No, the fact that he pinged you at 2 am, three months after he cheated on you (and effectively dumped you after) does not mean he’s trying to get back into your life. He probably just wants to get back into your pants. Love might be a lot of things, but it’s never deceitful. Nothing toxic can ever come out of a genuine, romantic relationship. Always remember that.

10. Notions of heteronormativity
Some people believe in monogamy. Some people believe in polygamy. Some people believe in free love. As long as you are practising safe sex, leave your notions of what is right and what is wrong right next to the used condom wrappers.

11. Gender appropriation
If Kiran, with the gender-neutral name, wants to dress in a way that’s slightly gender-fluid, don’t be a douche about it. No one needs that kind of negativity in their life — especially when they are trying to walk in six-inch stilettos in a busy Mumbai street.

12. Bullying
Just because I was okay with the fact that I spent most of high school getting pushed against lockers (and the occasional fellow nerd), doesn’t mean I am okay being dragged down a trail of comments by internet trolls, thank you very much.

13. No sugar diets
If gay men gave more importance to positivity than their protein supplements, the world would be a sweeter place to live in. Cinnamon bun intended. Empty calories aside, cutting sugar out just leads to an emptier life.

14. Bad television
The only thing worse than no LGBT representation in film (and other media) is shitty LGBT representation in film (and other media). Think of it this way — every time a gay person is portrayed as a promiscuous, sassy fashionista with no morals (or a wrist bone) on screen, a baby seal is clubbed to death in Antarctica.
Or worse, Chetan Bhagat comes out with another book.

15. Peroxide hair
Just one word: Nope.

The Gay Man’s Clique: Five Friends You Need!

5 friends

Every guy needs friends, and every gay guy?

More so.

As we live our short, but fabulous lives, we collect friends like we collect discount coupons from the newspaper — greedily. You have friends that you unwind with, friend that wind you up, and some friends that even flake out on you like the wind (that would be me).

People come and people go, but some stay till the very end, or till last call, whichever comes first. These are the ones that matter; these are the ones that you make unfulfilled plans to vacation with.

Whether you are an out-and-about social butterfly, or a Netflix-binger of the most asocial kind, start those tabs, guys — because you’ll be doing shots all night with these five friends every other weekend:

The Fag Hag

The Fag Hag is the crown jewel of the crew that the average gay man calls his own — she’s vivacious, brilliant, and woefully brash — but you only cherish her for every bit of it. Your relationship with the Fag Hag is one of extremes — extreme joy and debauchery — which is built on a string of bad exes, internet memes and free shots at the bar.

Have you dissed each other’s exes as you downed glasses of Ciroc? Check.

Made fun of someone you mutually hate over scrolls-worth of WhatsApp conversations? Check.

Proclaimed your undying love for each other every alternate date? Check and check.

The Fag Hag takes your love life seriously, and scrutinises all your romantic prospects down to the last detail, automatically loving or hating them based on 1) what they think of her outfit for the night, and 2) what your future artificially-inseminated kids will look like when they grow up.

The fact that she’ll always be dismissive of your long list of conquests aside, remember one thing, boys. You’ll be a great friend to a lot of people, but for her, you’ll always be her every-day guy. Her 4 am friend. Her little pet. Her therapist. Her punching bag. Her shopping cart. Her grocery list. And occasionally, even her prescription reminder.

It won’t be a problem, because she’ll most certainly be yours as well.

The Diva

The Diva is a strong mix of Kim Kardashian quotes, gin-based cocktails and bottled-up sass that would put the entire cast of Real Housewives Of New Jersey to shame — which means you also need to go through a few bottles of wine to go through a sitting with him.

In his bespoke shirts and Italian loafers, the Diva feels terribly out of place in your motley crew of misfits, and he makes it a point to tell you (repeatedly) so. He has an important-sounding job in an important-sounding organisation — which lets him eat at ‘all the right restaurants’, shop at ‘all the right places’, and date ‘all the right boys’. He’ll tell you all about it over expensive drinks (and repeatedly so), but never introduce you to any of them.

But that’s the thing about the Diva — apart from his raucous jokes, his self-worth and his complete disregard for anyone’s (or more importantly, your) feelings; he’s a really nice guy. Plus, he is friends with ‘all the right people in the world’.

Including you.

The Brozoned Buddy

Hidden behind deleted cookies, incognito windows and emptied caches; the brozoned buddy and you have a history that neither likes to bring up at the dinner table (or the bar). You’ve probably hooked up with him in the past, but decide to stay friends because of two reasons: The sex was bad, but the fallout that followed probably wasn’t.

Now, months later, you bond over your (thankfully) similar taste in alcohol and (fortunately) different taste in men.  You overcompensate your (un)resolved feelings by slurring out compliments to each other every time you hit the bar, because you don’t want to make the mistake of hitting the bed ever again.

Have you ever called him your ‘guuuurlfriend’? Yep.

Is he a ‘Damn! You are a goddess’ kind of boy? Oh yes.

Would he #SLAAAY? Most definitely.

Does that mean you are still attracted to him? Certainly not.

When you are not talking about each other’s boy problems, you are sorting out each other’s boy problems. You still look at each other’s romantic pursuits with mild interest and milder jealously, but support the other wholeheartedly, because that’s what friends do.

References to the past will never be made and if they do ever spring up, they are drowned over vodka shots and bad decisions you’ll probably regret when you wake up the morning after.

Hopefully, separately.

The Husband

Let’s get it straight. The Husband is only here because his wife/girlfriend/lover wants him to ‘try a bit harder and get to know her friends as well’.  You both show a mild interest in each other’s lives because of that one thing you have in common: his significant other. He’ll ask you questions about your boys, you’ll ask him questions about his work, all peppered with ‘hellos!’, ‘how do you do’s’ and ‘it’s been so long’s’.

You finally give up trying to get to know each other because it’s going to be a losing battle — and now, you stick to politely nodding your heads at each other every time you hang out, chuckling over sports jokes that you don’t get, chugging beer that you don’t like.

The Lovebug

We might all be looking for love, but some of us look for love harder than others. The Lovebug is the ditzy lead character from every feel good rom-com — he falls in love so often (every week, if you want to keep a count) — he’s a walking ad for Tinder. All it takes is a gorgeous, Rumi-spouting man to send him a charming hello on Grindr, and he’s already planning out the wedding. Bonus points if it doesn’t include a dick pic.

He’s spoken about so many boys over quarters of cheap rum and soda, you’ve reached a point now where you just nod and smile every time he starts a new story because you’ve no idea who ‘Sam from Santa Cruz’ is.

The Guysexual’s Guide To Every Fuckboy In The World

Fuckboy.jpg

Kartik, 28 (my copywriter friend who gets a mention every few weeks) matched with Atul, a senior associate at a top legal firm, about two years ago. They bonded over their love for bad puns, great gin and the fact that they were both self-proclaimed Ravenclaws. What could I say?

Wit beyond measure led them to each other’s treasure trails.

For Kartik (as is usual), it was love at first swipe. Like most millennial love stories, it had its (mostly) highs and (many) lows. But something still seemed wrong — the dates were always at home, friends were never involved and future plans were never made. Their trysts started late, but Kartik was never invited to stay the night (including that one time when he puked all over the bathroom floor).

It seemed strange, but Kartik (being Kartik) decided not to second-guess things. He continued making bad puns, and drinking great gin. Why wouldn’t he?

Atul was a great many things. He was smart. He was handsome. He was successful. He was charming. He was a dipsomaniac.

Atul was also a F**kboy.

The quintessential f**kboy (just like Atul) is not always very easy to spot, considering his adaptive nature and ability to blend in. The F**kboy is everywhere (and more importantly, anywhere). Smiling behind you at the checkout aisle in the supermarket. Making googly eyes in the subway. At the library. In your poetry class. In the bus. At the local pub. In your untouched list of Tinder matches. Anyone who’s traversed through this giant desert of dating knows that finding a F**kboy is like finding a wild Rattata on Pokemon Go — it’s that common — which makes avoiding them that much more difficult. Want to know how to bypass the boys that most bad decisions are made of?

Look no further, kids. Here are some telltale signs the guy you are hopelessly crushing on, only plans to crush your heart after:

The F**kboy only messages you post midnight.

He’ll never disappoint.

The one time he messages you at 8 pm, is simply because his flat mates are away.

He drinks his cold pressed juices straight out of the carton.

Just like he drinks his pre-mixed cocktails straight out of plastic bottles.

The f**kboy is an amalgamation of bad pick-up lines, expensive perfume and template text messages that he broadcasts to his little black book of men.

All three have high success rates.

He hoards up on all his used condom wrappers, because ‘how else will he know that he’s the supreme sex god that he claims to be?’

He addresses you as his bro. Even when he meets you in person.

And he doesn’t mean it in the endearing “I-am-so-comfortable-around-you-I-can-call-you-anything’ kind of way.

He’s always vague about his Friday night plans.

But he already has advance tickets for Tomorrowland 2019.

The F**kboy doesn’t snuggle. He prefers the post-coital smoke to the post-coital cuddle.

His idea of the perfect date includes drinks at a dive bar, and dessert back at his place. Dinner is usually not a part of the deal, unless you offer to eat it off him.

He wears his charm like he wears his signature perfume.

Bottles of it at a time.

He introduces you to his friends as a ‘friend from work that he bumped into’.

Eight months into knowing you. You never see them again.

Or all his friends know who you exactly are, but they act like they know something that you obviously don’t: that he’s seeing other people.

He’s always busy when it’s time to meet your friends.

Once it was his dog’s funeral. Twice it was a late night at the office.

And thrice, it was his mother’s birthday.

In the same year.

The F**kboy rolls up his shirtsleeves to just below his elbows, because he likes to live on the edge.

He likes to drive with his windows open, and uses styling mousse so that his hair doesn’t look ‘too windswept.’ Sometimes he doubles it up as lubricant.

He never lets you stay, and has an excuse ready every time you suggest pulling out your jammies. Sometimes it’s a early morning gym session at 5 am. Sometimes it’s an over inquisitive maid who can’t mind her own business. Sometimes it’s an Uber he booked for you when you were cleaning up in the bathroom.

He likes his boys just like he likes his chardonnay.

Free flowing, and out of his system the next morning.

He doesn’t see the point of crossword puzzles, middle school trigonometry or commitment.

He downloads Grindr Xtra just so he can get unlimited blocks.

And an unlimited pass into everyone’s pants.

At some point in your relationship, he’ll tell you that you are the One.

He’ll also tell the same thing to Rizwan. To Sam. To Kabir. To Nikhil. To Rahul. To Kiran. To Sameer. To Zishaan.

He breaks up with you eventually, because ‘he’s not good enough for you, and you deserve better,’ He doesn’t reply to your texts, phone calls (and that one long winding drunken email) after.

That’s the thing.

The F**kboy will only lead you to another one. And another one. And another one. He’ll lead you through a string of bad decisions, heartbreak and life-altering mistakes.

You’ll sigh every time, but you’ll never learn.

Now go message your Atul.

The Five Other Guys You Will Meet On Grindr

 

5 other grindr guys

We’ve already established that Grindr is a supermarket for gay men.

Whether you are shopping for turnips or torsos, you’d find some templates that will never fade away, just like the hickey from last Christmas — you’ve stared at the Torso’s six pack abs, shared salted peanuts with the Tourist and had your stress spots worked on by the Masseur, all in a previous version of The Five Different Guys You Meet On Grindr.

But has there ever been a dearth of men (and stereotypes) on everyone’s favourite hookup app?

Not really. While you haggle over beets and biceps at your neighborhood supermarket of sex, here are an additional five guys we’ve all had a dalliance with on Grindr:

1. The Druggie

The druggie comes in all shapes and sizes — tall, short, rugged, lean, stocky, smooth, and hairy — all marked by their characteristic glazed expression, and a nose that sniffs (but never runs). What does he run instead? His very own drug cartel on your friendly dating app — he’s sort of like Pablo Escobar, but without the killing and the love for cigars. The Druggie replaces his ‘Hi’s with ‘High Fun’s and always wants to know whether your ‘MDMA got you feelin’ like a champion.’ He sells everything from poppers to crystal meth (and even weed, to the less adventurous) and for the record, will only feel like breaking the bed when he’s Breaking Bad.

At the end of a really fast drug-fuelled day, our resident thrill seeker can only promise you one of two things — three hours of happiness or a trip to the urologist.

Either way, you might need a one-way ticket to rehab.

2. The Sapiosexual

If you eagerly text the Sapiosexual thinking that you’ll be able to have an in-depth debate about Syria’s refugee crisis or Rumi’s soulful poetry, you are almost certainly going to be disappointed. Being a sapiosexual, he craves intelligence, but you don’t need to ask the dictionary what it means, because he’ll tell you himself. However, a few texts with Mr Intelligent, and you’d realise that the only interesting thing about our friend here is the fact that he actually believes that Math will arouse him.

The word Sapiosexual is thrown around as casually as the phrase ‘sane and sorted’ on Grindr. It’s a security blanket he uses to keep the douchebags away, but he’s not fully aware that it makes him sound like one himself. The sapiosexual doesn’t throw any big words your way; he only throws questions — ‘what do u do?’, ‘Whr do u liv?’, ‘wnna meet nw?’ — for someone who craves intelligence, he doesn’t crave grammar much. But what else can you expect from someone who would confuse Stephen Hawking with Stephen Fry?

At the end of the day, how do you tell the sapiosexual from someone who can actually have an interesting conversation? Exactly six sentences in, he throws the quintessential question your way:
‘Do u has a dick pic?’

And that’s when you toss your brains out.

3. The Spambot

With his blonde hair, ripped body and good-natured face, the Spambot is your classic all-American frat boy. If he’s not flashing his dentist-approved smile, he’s probably flashing his washboard abs — his picture usually has him grinning cockily into a bathroom mirror, flashing both, with an expression that says, ‘Hey! What’s up? Are you ready for some lovin’?’

The spambot is thus, the perfect fix for your weekend. Only, he’s not real.

He begins with a simple, succinct ‘How do you do?’ and then trudges through a series of deeply NSFW sexts irrespective of how you respond. As you continue playing your very confusing game of textual table tennis, he asks you (very seductively) if you wish to watch him jerk off on his webcam. You politely refuse, but he sends you a dubious link anyway — one that would probably give your phone the digital version of Herpes.

The only giveaway to the Spambot’s otherwise blank profile? His height, listed at a meek 123 cms.

4. The Ghost

The Ghost is the Ranveer Singh of Grindr — he’s funny, not LOL funny, but actual ‘laugh out loud’ funny. The man gets pop culture references and sometimes, even plays Ping-Pong with them. He likes cats, loves Korean food and Netflix binges more shows than you do. He disses Haruki Murakami and swears by your favourite Margaret Atwood book. He’s someone you slowly see yourself spending the rest of your life with, as you text flirt with each other through countless late nights. Why is such a great guy single, you wonder?

And just when you are deciding whether you should buy matching towels or not, he disappears on you.

‘Hello?’
‘Hello?’
‘Hello?’

He’s gone without a trace, retreating into the ones and zeros to haunt another corner of the digital universe. That night as you cry yourself to sleep, you realise you’ll never see him again.

5. The One

The One is the perfect man you’ve been dreaming about, right since you bumped into your first Not Pictured (from our original five guys you meet on Grindr) — he’s the Prince Charming you get at the end of the really dark, depressing tunnel.

And it’s been a long ride indeed. The One’s dating profile is the missing jigsaw piece to yours. He’s everything The Ghost was and more. You click with him immediately, and give him your number even before your first conversation is over. He furiously texts you over the next few days until you work up the courage to call him one night, right after you down a few shots to calm your nerves.

His voice is the deep baritone you imagined. You giggle at all the right spots as he sets up a date (in a decently expensive restaurant where they serve soup in small plates). When you do meet each other, you realize that you are hopelessly falling in love. He’s your ‘everything perfect’. What do you tell people when they ask you how you met?

You’ll lie and tell people that you met while in the line at Starbucks, and you’ll continue your whirlwind romance right until the very end. But what do you do if it doesn’t work out with the One?

Well, there’s a Two, a Three, a Four and so on.