All posts by Guysexual

The Guysexual is your average guy-next-door who loves his beer and hates pigeons, talking about out-of-the-closet experiences of the third kind. He might not know the right spoon to eat his crème brulee with, or what colour shirt goes with a leather jacket, but he does know that there never really is only the One. There’s a Two, a Three and a Four, and probably more. It will work out with some of them, and sometimes it will not. Ever the unreliable narrator, The Guysexual talks about his escapades in dating and otherwise, proving that there really is no difference between gay and straight when it comes to love, sex and relationships, or who fits the bill when you know that things are so bad that you probably might never ever see each other again.

Fantastic Men And Where (Not) To Find Them

 

Fantastic men

There are a great many places you can fall in love in this world.

You can heat things up with the cute accountant at work, and have a water cooler romance over post-it notes and sneaky encrypted emails. You can exchange anecdotes with your flat mate’s colleague at a housewarming mixer, before exchanging numbers (and sweet kisses) at the end of the night. You can even share a giggle as you reach out for the same book — Erich Segal’s Love Story — as the bearded heartthrob at the bookstore (who ultimately buys it for you for your first anniversary). Your daily commute. The farmer’s market. Your sister’s reunion.

The list of places to find the next big love of your life is endless.

But then again, so is the list of places where you shouldn’t be looking. Want to know which ones to skip? Here a few spots you should definitely avoid:

1. The gym

I’ll tell you a small secret. The gym is indeed a great place to cruise, especially when it’s pumped up with machine after machine of glistening muscle (we’ll all pretend we don’t see the cellulite fat) — so don’t get me wrong when I say that it can be difficult to not let your mind stray, considering there’s very little to look at apart from the all the biceps, arms, pecs, or worse, men wearing really tight cycling shorts.

But that’s where your proverbial ‘man of steel’ dreams end.

It’s difficult to look for love at the gym, when more than three quarters of your potential mates are busy looking at their abdominal muscles. Sure, you might find a helpful hottie who gives you tips on everything from the best way to eat raw eggs to effectively holding a plank for longer than 40 seconds, but there’s a catch (that has nothing to do with the one in your lower back.) Yes, he’s just offered to split his protein shake with you post your workout — but he’d rather be splitting your legs in the showers instead. Let’s get it straight. Mr Right is probably not sweating it out by the sauna, because the only way you can spot your next big love at the gym is by spotting his reps in the free weights section — and you’d probably do it wrong.

It’s better that you leave your working out for the bedroom.

2. Your gourmet supermarket

Picture this.

You are stocking up on your supply of chicken breasts (free range) for the week when you make eye contact with a tank top-wearing muscled hottie by the cheese section. He’s picking up feta and Gruyere, while you are busy thinking of picking him up.

You dart past the counter selling organic olive oil, rush through stacks of multigrain pasta, and scuttle over to the refrigerated area to help yourself to some cheese (and a view of his well-defined buttocks). A quick peek into his shopping basket (a trolley would suggest he stays with more people — parents, a wife, or worse, a tanned boyfriend who teaches French and holidays in Rio) reveals the following items:

  1. Organic quail eggs (ooh, a hipster)
  2. Kale and spinach (he’s getting his fibre)
  3. Almond milk (a vegan?)
  4. A six pack of Gatorade (we’ve got ourselves a runner!)
  5. Anti-fungal cream

Eww. You’ll pass. You slide away from the cheese section, far away from your five-minute fling, and his (possibly) soiled jockstrap. The fact that you can’t really fall in love with someone over his shopping list aside, what else does that teach you?

That it’s probably not a good idea to follow someone down the aisles of your neighborhood supermarket — because that’s not how most ‘How-We-Met’ stories begin (restraining orders, yes). Now how about you go get those avocados that you actually came here for?

PS: the contents of someone’s shopping basket are no measure of the contents of their bedside drawer — your peppermint tea-loving crush just might be a BDSM-loving dark soul back home.

But then again, so could you.

3. The park

The park is a treasure chest of things to do and places to see, some of which include:

  1. Going for your morning jog, which is just a brisk walk because you can’t manage to wake yourself up so early in the morning.
  2. Enjoying yoga because it’s a great photo op.
  3. Complaining about how the world has too many children.
  4. Sneaking up on couples hidden behind bulbous trunks (and under shaded groves) so that you can report them.

Sadly, falling in love is not one of them.

Because do you really have time to smile at the handsome man running next to you, as a gaggle of snot-faced cyclists swerve past? Can you really lock eyes over brats locked in a fistfight? Is it easy to exchange hearts over an intense game of hide and seek?

Nope.

Plus if he’s not here with his wife, children and a golden retriever who poops along the sidewalk — every single man who comes to the park has the potential to be on the Neighbourhood Sex Offender’s list, especially if he’s here all by himself.

And if that still doesn’t get to you, maybe the signboards will. Stuck between the ‘Don’t walk on the grass’, ‘Don’t pluck the flowers’, ‘No loitering’, ‘No soliciting’, ‘No littering’ and ‘Playground equipment is for children only’ — you really don’t get the time to be out on the prowl. Can one really find love with so many rules?

Not really. Now go smell the flowers.

The Milestones Of Falling In And Out of Love

 

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Falling in love is a lot like running a marathon. Based on how well you are prepared, you either give up midway or sprint through the finish line of long-term bliss. If you are happy, you start of fresh, and end up raring to go all over again.

But whether your romance is a race, a haiku poem, a star-studded musical, an epic trilogy or a game of chess, here are the ten milestones you’ll cross in every relationship:

Hello

Congratulations! You have a new match!

Whether you found your recent paramour on Tinder, Grindr or Bro, there’s no denying that he has something that the other torsos (infesting the dating app of your choice) don’t. You giggle over puns, gush over the fact that both of you love yoga (after organic tea) and secretly screenshot his volunteering pictures from his time last year with Habitat for Humanity. You spend nights flirting over Grindr, lighting up with every beep.

At some point, you realise it makes sense to take it to the next level. You exchange your digits, because it’s too early to exchange rings.

Text-dancing

You’ll soon play a Ping-Pong game of texts, sending sweet nothings to each other that sometimes really mean nothing at all. It’s a dance — sometimes it’s the rumba, sometimes it’s the salsa, sometimes it’s a good ol’ fashioned waltz. It’s a constant struggle of who messages first: will he? Won’t he? Will he? Won’t he?

It feels hopeless.

After many sleepless nights spent waiting for a text so you don’t seem desperate by sending two in a row (until you eventually mesh into a mash of texts, photos, memes and plans to meet for coffee), you’ll reach the point where you don’t care who’s supposed to message next.

And you’ll send him one yourself.

First kiss

The kiss is the universal shorthand for intimacy. One minute you are smiling and stumbling your way into each other’s arms, and just like that, you are there — even before you can stop and ask for directions. It hits your core, and tingles all the way down to your Vitamin D deficient toes. The first kiss is a relationship milestone that usually makes its way to long-forgotten journals and recycled rom-coms, so make sure it counts.

Side note: Brownie points if he makes the first move. Even more brownie points if you make the first move.

Sex

You’ve bought the fresh new sheets. You’ve bought the condoms. You’ve bought the oils. And if you’re feeling fancy, you’ve even bought some aromatherapy candles. You’ve huffed and puffed and planned to blow the house down. Your romp lasts the entire duration of the La La Landsoundtrack, and feels like it too.

You might have liked it. You might have not. You might have clawed at his chest. You might have clawed at his back. You might have come. You might have not. Irrespective of whether you’ve orgasmed or not (because you like him enough to ignore the average sex for a while), you race your libido to the next stage.

The Honeymoon

Drool all over each other, and store your love in pictures on your phone and empty condom wrappers. Go on a date. Go on two. Go on a dozen. Go on a gazillion dates. Seize the moment, and capture as much of this phase as you can, because you are going to need it when you are old and withered.

Meeting the friends

You slowly permeate into his inner circle, while secretly hating each and every one of his friends. You courtesy and smile your way through the gang, answering the same questions over and over again till your smile freeze frames into a Polaroid picture. You guffaw with them about his exes (even though you don’t want to) and tell them the heartwarming tale of how you met (even though they don’t want to). Everyone knows you are a breakup away from never seeing each other ever again

As you repeat anecdote after anecdote, he tilts back his head and gives you a reassuring nod. You smile back because you can’t wait for him to do the same.

Moving in

You’ve made all the right moves till now, and you’ve officially reached move day.

Your toothbrush joins his, and your painkillers find their own little sweet spot in his shower cabinet. Your socks tangle with his, your underwear finds its own intimate drawer, you even find your side of the bed (the one that doesn’t face the window). You are just moments away from getting matching towels.

As you unpack and spread your life all over his, applaud. This is where the rollercoaster begins.

First fight

It starts off with something small. An unanswered phone call. An unfed cat. A vague remark on their weight that may or may not have coincided with their birthday. You begin with a few well-placed jabs — a passive aggressive joke here, an eye roll there, it’s all in good humour. And then before you know it, the riptide of witty banter transforms into verbal blows — Why? How? What? When?

As you bombard each other with words, stares, rolls of clothes and love bites, you have an epiphany. You are in your first official fight, but you’ll make peace with it — a scar that heals, but never fades. You’ll walk out of your cocoon into the next one.

Congratulations! You’ve moved on to the next level.

Moving away

This is when it gets tricky. Bags are packed, kisses are exchanged, but feelings are not. He’s going to leave a boyfriend-sized hole in your heart, and it sucks at your soul as if it were the last sip of Coca Cola. One of you is moving away. To a different school. To a different neighbourhood. To a different city. A different state. A different country. A different continent.

You survive, as long as it’s not a different person.

Settling In

You’ve reached that point when you can function without needing each other all the time. There’s love; but it’s hidden behind boxes of Chinese takeout and IOU’s on the fridge. You wake up, and kiss him without worrying about morning breath. Sometimes, you don’t even take a shower before dinner. You aren’t a jigsaw puzzle anymore, but you occasionally solve one on Sundays.

This might take weeks, it might take months, and sometimes, it might even take years. But when it does, take solace in the fact that you’ve reached the white noise. Enjoy the complacency.

You’ve reached end game.

#PrideGuide: Every Possible Bro’s Guide For Attending Delhi’s Queer Pride

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This Sunday is a special day.

Is it my birthday? Is it the day Ryan Gosling finally tells me he loves me? Is it the day I inherit a trust fund? Is it the day I find the miracle cure to obesity?

No. It gets better.

Today is Delhi’s Queer Pride Parade – the city’s tenth, with more than 7000 people marching in from across the city (and the world) – it’s the day we all get to stand together for equality. Stand together for basic rights. Stand together for love, but most importantly; stand together because we make a really good-looking picture.

That includes you, straight folks. Are you a red-blooded heterosexual who doesn’t understand why he needs to walk the talk? (‘Why do I need to meet gay guys?’ the average straight bloke would guffaw in my face, ‘How will it help me?’)

Support for your LGBT friends aside, here are four selfish reasons why you need to keep those PlayStations away and start walking for Pride today:

  1. We’ll motivate you to join the gym if you haven’t already.

Let me tell you a secret. We got to Cross Fit when you were still struggling with crunches – it’s no surprise that gay men are more aware of their bodies than their straight counterparts. We might come in all shapes and sizes, but we’ll still make sure we look the best version of ourselves whichever way we are packaged – we are giftwrapped with gym memberships and protein supplements.

And we also do Pilates. Forty-five minutes at Pride can do what hours of staring at fitness videos on YouTube can’t. After that, a few months of motivation is all you need to end up looking like the next big underwear model.

  1. Get style advice straight from the expert!

When your idea of making a style statement is cycling through your three Zara shirts with a pair of cream khakis, you need help. I am not saying every gay man is a writer with GQ magazine, but when it comes to fashion, we have the common sense not to wear socks with our sandals. Pride walk is the fashion parade that tells you what works and what doesn’t.

Want to know what colour belt works with your Italian shoes? Do stripes really go with spots? What’s the point of wearing a bow tie? Now you know whom to turn to, oh sweet summer child, so keep your Crocs where they rightfully belong.

Back in your closets.

  1. Find a gay best friend

Carrie Bradshaw isn’t the only person who needs a gay best friend – everyone could do with one. We know the best places to get brunch, we understand how cufflinks work and we’ll honestly tell you what not to say to your girlfriend when she’s threatening to break up with you. We are the Chandler to your Joey, without the girlfriend who got in the way.

  1. And finally stop being homophobic and go!

Fashion tips and gym buddies aside, the main reason you should go walk the pride is to show your support for the LGBT community. Contrary to popular belief, the gay men who are at the parade won’t hit on you. They won’t even look at you. We have other important things to worry about – like inequality and basic rights.

Also, walking for the LGBT Pride won’t make you gay – because surprisingly, things don’t work that way. Throw those old fashioned ideas in the trash can and step out. We did it ages ago, and let me tell you that it’s very fulfilling.

Or at least most gay men did.

‘Why should I go?’ asks Rohan, a flamboyant digital marketing manager who’s a year older, but eons cuter. ‘I am not an activist; plus it’s a Sunday afternoon, I’ll rather sleep in!’ he sips at his peppermint tea, handing me his almond biscotti.

Sigh. If only his sensibility matched his swagger.

If like Rohan, you are one of the many gay men who don’t think it’s their calling (or place) to participate in the parade, don’t fret. I’ve got you covered too. Here are a few reasons for you to pull back those bed covers and pull up your socks just in time for the walk today:

  1. It gives you the same sense of belonging that a clearance sale does.

 Let’s face it – you might love your straight friends to death, but they’d never be able to relate to the bad Grindr date you had last week, the one with the man who thought it’d be okay to get his ex along.

It’s different at the parade – here, as you are surrounded by fun (read: fabulous) people who are just like you, you feel the same way you felt when you bought clothes at half price. Do you know what that lovely feeling is?

It’s the overwhelming sense of community. The feeling that you belong.

Without any dates with exes involved.

  1. It’s better than finding love on Grindr.

Sick of rummaging around the dregs of online dating, sifting through the same pool of shirtless men?

You have more chances of running into the love of your life here than you have of having a decent, fulfilling conversation on Grindr. Can you imagine the possibilities of not having your heart broken by yet another torso that asks you for ‘a dick pic?’

Well, now you can. How about you go say hi to the cute boy waving the pride flag across the road instead? You no longer need to lie to people about meeting your future boyfriend at Starbucks.

 

  1. A chance to dress fabulously.

Remember that multicoloured jacket you drunkenly bought online after a bitter break-up and an even bitter bottle of wine?

Now’s your chance to tear out the plastic wrapping and wear it like you own it (side note: because in this case, you actually do.) Pride’s the perfect excuse to be proud of your identity and keep the inhibitions at bay – feather boas or floral shirts, if you think you can pull it off, pull it out of your closets right now.

  1. And finally stop the internalized homophobia.

 The only people who hate gay men more than bigoted straight men are gay men themselves. The twinks hate the chubs. The bears hate the cubs. The intellectuals hate the social butterflies. The mascs hate the femmes. The models hate the geeks. The activists hate the slackers. The queens hate the discreet. And everyone hates me.

It’s finally time to end the internalized homophobia, guys, and there’s no better place to start than walk for Pride itself. What about me?

I’ll see you at the finish line.

Pssst. Did my words stir you enough to attend? Here are a few quick details for you if you plan to swing by The LGBT Pride Parade later today:

When: 3 PM, Sunday, November 12th, 2017.

Where: Intersection of Barakhamba Road and Tolstoy Marg, central Delhi.

 

 

 

56 Things You’ll Think Of as You Wait For Your Date

 

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You are here.

You’ve been seated at your table, and are waiting for your date to show up. Unless you are the debonair, enigmatic gentleman that we all crave to be, your mind’s going to be a barrage of questions — will he like you? Will you like him? Should you have worn the other cologne? Why are your hands sweating so much? Does your breath stink? Will his breath stink? Is there time to go buy mouthwash?

Nervous sweats aside, here are 56 completely reasonable things to stress over while you wait for Mr ‘Let’s-hope-for-the-best’ to show up:

1. ‘Should I order red wine or white? The white’s way out of my budget, but who wants wine teeth?’

2. ‘ I should have worn my jeans. Damn, these trousers are too tight…’

3. ‘Does this dinner jacket make me look like I am trying too hard?’

4. ‘If he doesn’t look like his picture on Facebook, I am going to make an excuse and leave in 10 minutes.’

5. ‘Okay, 20 minutes.’

6. ‘Wait. Where did I keep my condoms?’

7. ‘No wine in that case.’

8. ‘Should I just have a beer before he gets here? Will it make my face look bloated?

9. ‘Only three drinks tonight, only three drinks tonight, only three drinks tonight…’

10. ‘I shouldn’t have had that sour cream and onion dip for lunch.’

11. ‘Does my breath stink?’

12. ‘Where’s my chewing gum?’

13. ‘Does my stomach look pudgy when I sit like this?’

14. ‘If he felt the need to tell me he was straight acting, should I keep all the Kardashian sisters off the table?’

15. ‘What about the Jenners?’

16. “Do I really want to be on a date with someone who calls themselves straight-acting?’

17. ‘I swear this is the last time I am going on a date this month.’

18. ‘OH WAIT. Did I leave my fridge door open?’

19. ‘No, I didn’t leave my fridge door open. But oh no, did I switch my geyser off?’

20. ‘Geyser’s off.’

21. ‘Booth or chair? Tough choice.’

22. ‘NOMG! I forgot to set up an SOS with a friend!’

23. ‘Should I do it now? Who should I text?’

24. ‘I hope he’s not the kind of person who brings up his ex.’

25. ‘Note to self: do not bring up the ex at all.’

26. ‘If I bring up my ex, will he automatically assume I am not over him?’

27. ‘Wait, am I over him?’

28. ‘Okay, I am over him. Now how do I look like I am really over him?’

29. ‘Should I go for a handshake or a hug when he turns up?’

30. ‘So if I sit on this side of the table, the light highlights my face better…’

31. ‘Okay, you can do this, you can do this, you can do this…’

32. ‘Is my voice deep enough?’

33. ‘Did I just finish this entire bread basket?’

34. ‘Have I left out food for the cat?’

35. ‘Brownie points for him if he’s not shaved off his beard.’

36. ‘I really hope he doesn’t notice the pimple on my chin. Maybe I should have let my beard grow.’

37. ‘Should I play it cool or should I play it hot?’

38. ‘I shouldn’t have come early, now he’s going to think I didn’t have anything better to do.’

39. ‘Do I really have anything better to do than be on this date?’

40. ‘Is that him? Oh, it’s not. I wouldn’t mind going out with this guy though.’

41. ‘Should I ask him about his dog? Would it be creepy if I told him I already stalked him on Instagram?

42. ‘What if he starts talking about Taylor Swift?’

43. ‘What if he doesn’t mention Taylor Swift?’

44. ‘He’s late, am I at the right bar?’

45. ‘If I text him to find out where he is, should I end it with an xx?’

46. ‘Will only one x work?’

47. ‘Should I check Grindr to see who else is around? Should I not? Should I? Should I not? Should I?’

48. ‘I am going to read through all our text messages to each other till he gets here. That seems like a great way to spend my time while I wait for him.’

49. ‘What if he finds my job boring?’

50. ‘If I go on about my job, will it look like I am bragging?’’

51. ‘Should I bring up my job at all?’

52. ‘WHERE IS HE?’

53. ‘Are the people at the next table judging me?’

54. ‘I should keep my eyes on my phone, and pretend to be busy.’

55. ‘Ooh, new level unlocked on Candy Crush!’

56. ‘Why is he not here yet? Am I being stood up? Damn, I should have not taken that cab to come here. Oh, there he is…’

The 40 Lies You’ll Tell Yourself While You Are Out On A Date

 

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As adults, we lie to ourselves about a lot of things. We lie about happiness, we lie about failure, we lie about how we did not deserve that DUI ticket that one time, we lie about how we can pull off neon green, and we lie about how our parents love us as much as they love our over-achieving siblings.

We lie so much that we can put it up as a skill on our LinkedIn profiles (but we don’t). Which is why it’s only natural that we lie to ourselves when it comes to finding love. Don’t believe me?

Here are 40 lies we’ve all told ourselves as we sit across a man who’s so wrong he could be a Taylor Swift song:

1. I’m so done with all of this.

2. I’m not going to get drunk tonight.

3. I’m not drunk right now.

4. I have a really good feeling about this.

5. It’s so sweet that he can talk about his ex so openly, and so often. It can only mean he’s definitely over him!

6. I won’t put out tonight, even if I think he’s really handsome and way out of my league.

7. My friends are going to love him so much!

8. It’s so cute that he already cares about how much I eat. This one’s a keeper!

9. When he says my cheeks look full, he doesn’t mean that I am fat.

10. I think he confused my drink for his; it’s no big deal.

11. Did he just check me out on my way to the restroom? How rude.

12. Who cares if he’s checking out the guy sitting at the other table? He only had eyes for me when I asked for the steak.

13. That little boil on his lip is definitely not herpes.

14. He’s just really quiet because he’s so adorably shy. Look at him checking his phone every other minute? He’s too awkward to make eye contact!

15. I’m sure this bow tie is helping me make a great impression tonight!

16. He likes me, I can just tell.

17. He’s not wearing make-up. His skin just glows like that.

18. His style is…so unique.

19. His dry sense of humour is turning me on so much right now.

20. He went through an entire packet of cigarettes in the last two hours that we’ve been here. Wow, that’s so sexy.

21. Can he smell my desperation?

22. I am sure he’s never used that line before.

23. He didn’t say nigger. He said bigger.

24. He’s right — I should have just called and confirmed the date before leaving.

25. I like how he jokes about having a boyfriend back at home. This boy is hilarious!

26. It’s so endearing that he calls himself a nomad.

27. Look at him typing away on his phone! Maybe he’s texting his friends telling them how cute I am.

28. He wants to know who I voted for. This is so much fun!

29. I probably shouldn’t ask him why he told me that he has to get back home in 30 minutes.

30. When he tells me he thinks we’d make great bros, he means it in a romantic sort of way.

31. He’s going to love how I can snort my shots out of my nose.

32. I’m sure he’s thinking about getting matching wedding bands too.

33. He’s just asking me if my flat mate is out of town, because he’s really concerned about me being alone at home. Such a sweet guy!

34. It’s completely fine if he didn’t bother to split the bill. I’m sure he’ll pay next time.

35. I wish the cheque took its own sweet time to get here.

36. This isn’t too soon after my breakup. I am ready.

37. If I do sleep with him tonight, I’m going to make sure I don’t develop feelings and wait for him to call me back. That would be pathetic.

38. I’m really looking forward to my walk of shame tomorrow morning!

39. I have a feeling he’s going to ask me out this weekend.

40. Oh yes! I’m definitely going to see him again for sure.

Every Man’s Guide to Surviving A Breakup

 

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It’s happened.

So you’ve just gone through (what you feel is) the worst breakup of your life. You’re standing all alone in your apartment, with your now-no-longer-jointly-owned cat, half of your belongings, and half of your heart. You’re single and stressing out over waking up to an empty bed, and an emptier life.

But I’ll tell you a secret.

You’re obviously going to get through it. All you need are a few essentials to start over before you get back in the game. So how about you prep your house (and your heart) with this essential Post-Breakup Bachelor Pad Survival Kit?

1. Crisp white sheets

Nothing screams the single life than brand new white sheets, completely devoid of the stains and smells of your monstrous ex.

It makes your dull, depressing apartment (and you) appear larger and brighter, and is the perfect background for the various vacation flings you’ll bring back home over the weeks to come.

2. A super-sized box of condoms

All the vacation flings that you bring back home aren’t going to cover themselves.

3. Instant noodles

You’ll need packets and packets of instant noodles, because you won’t feel like cooking anything more complicated. It’s your 4 am friend and you can douse it with everything you’ve got — the spare bit of ricotta cheese, some tomato ketchup, a little smidgeon of Tabasco, oregano that you painstakingly collected over years of pizza deliveries, a healthy drizzle of soy sauce and the dozen expletives you didn’t use in your goodbye email.

And as you wait the quintessential two minutes for the water to boil, you can cry. Because that’s enough time to cry your heart out.

4. A tub of your favourite ice cream flavour in the fridge

Ice cream solves what retail therapy can’t. Enough said.

5. A strong resolve

Every once in a while, you’ll have this sudden urge. It will hit you in the middle of the night as you toss in bed, or when you are answering emails at work. It might even hit you when you’re writing out a birthday card for the best friend. This is the urge to get back in touch with your ex, and ask him to take you back. You’ll beg, you’ll plead, you’ll reason, and you’ll hate.

For those tough moments, you’ll need a tough heart.

6. An emptier smartphone

Delete the texts, the pictures from your vacation last year, the bill receipts from your dates, the sexts you sent each other on your anniversary and the screenshots you saved to use in a fight later (and did). Delete it all. Cleanse your phone, and then use it to call a friend over. Call all your friends over.  Share your ice cream and your instant noodles with all of them. Repeat till you are happy.

7. A Netflix account with high speed Internet

The only remedy to the perfect post-breakup life is HD quality television, free of commercial breaks (and moments to linger back to your vile ex.)

Good luck binge watching through three seasons of Black Mirror as you try your best to chew on your lukewarm instant noodles from last night.

8. A bottle (or crate) of Cabernet Sauvignon stacked away in the closet

There’s nothing like some Bordeaux loving to get you out of your slump, and into bed with the cute writer you’ve been flirting with all of last week.

9. A yoga mat

At some point, you’d open the blinds and want to lose all the ice-cream induced weight. You’d want to get back in the dating game. You’d want to look like the best version of yourself.

On that day, you’ll buy yourself a yoga mat (because deep down you know you’ll never stick to a gym membership right till the very end). You’d effectively end up using the mat as a background for your next Grindr picture.

10. Optimism

One day, after an hour’s worth of Pilates on your new yoga mat, you’ll sit up straighter than before and tell yourself that this isn’t the worst moment of your life. You’ll throw out the leftover ice cream and drink the last bottle of wine. You’ll wash the noodle-stained vessels and put them away. You’ll tell yourself that you’ll be OK.

You’ll eventually start believing it. Because you will be OK.

Dear Gay Men, Are You Addicted to Grindr?

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‘Are you a Grindrophile?’

If you’ve already been asked this question and are reading this column, purging through dating hacks and lists, the answer is probably yes. Which brings us to question number two — if Grindr was a boy, would you date him?

Don’t bother checking out his profile, there’s only one way to find out.  Every point you rack up on this super special-edition Grindr Bucket List Game brings you one step closer to having an epiphany — the same one that begs you to end it once and for all, and delete the beauty that Grindr is.

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