2018 came to an end, and so did my dreams of ever finding a happy ending.
As I pretend that my seventh glass of champagne is only my second, it’s time for me to ask those questions all over again – what do I remember 2018 by? The number of boys I ghosted? The number of boys who broke my heart? The bad decisions I woke up to (and with)? The bottles of prescription drugs I wolfed down? The shots I downed to forget? The hangovers I’ll never be able to forget? The hours I spent at therapy after? The resolutions I vowed to make? The resolutions I’ll effectively break?
As gay men (such as myself) parade into the new year making resolutions (and asking questions) that we’ll only give up on a week later, here are a few that I hope that don’t get lost in the sea of confetti, cheap champagne and regrets.
Want to know what they are? Simply slide into 2019 with this queer guy’s guide to NYE resolutions (but not like those ugly dick pics that slide into your Instagram DMs):
Ditch the dating apps, but don’t ditch out on the dates
There really is a high chance you’ll find the next big love of your life at the bookstore, or your favourite neighborhood bar (and we won’t judge you even if it happens at the gym.).
Then again, don’t lie about your age, height or weight on your online dating profile
72 kilograms are sexy, and so are you.
Don’t dismiss someone who’s considerably older or younger than you are
But make sure he’s legal.
Put an end to the ‘New Year, new me’
You’ll always be you. If people could change overnight, we would never have so many seasons worth of great television.
Be a nicer person. If you can’t, try till you succeed
Gay men have the potential to be a lot of things – charming, well-dressed, effortless, established, articulate, artistic or even high on drugs. But still, a lot of us choose to be d**chebags.
Take an active interest in politics
Because some of these decisions actually prevent gay men and women from receiving equal rights, which is just plain sad.
Let your biggest regret this year be not eating that last cupcake
But you should go ahead and eat it anyway.
Stop answering texts from the ex
There’s a word for it. It’s called ghosting.
Read more, but don’t read more into what other people said to you
Books are sexy and mysterious, just like the hot guy who makes eye contact with you at the bar (and then disappears forever). Reading online lists doesn’t count though, unless you are reading this one.
Do something that frightens you, not someone who frightens you
The list can include learning how to tap dance, skydiving and eating alone at a restaurant. Things the list should not include? Having unprotected sex with a complete stranger.
Exercise for health, not your crush’s phone number
If you want those six pack abs that you can eat sushi off, make sure you are doing it for yourself (Side note: even though eating sushi off your stomach can be quite unsettling).
Be okay with being single
There’s always 2019. And 2020. And 2021. And 2022. And so on.
Understand that brands don’t make the man, manners do
Very few men who have the latest Louis Vuitton bag will want to hear about your day at work.
Don’t be afraid to end a relationship that’s not going anywhere
Especially when the only place it’s going is downhill, with prescription bills.
Actually enjoy experiences, instead of just Instagram-ing them
And if the ratatouille doesn’t look as good as it does under the Aden filter, don’t eat it.
Tell the next boy you like how you really feel about him
The world would have more romances if less people were scared of sending two text messages in a row.
And if he doesn’t feel about you the same way, respect his choices
Because, boys and men, consent really is key.
Stop all the self-hating
If there’s one thing that I love more than money, it’s myself.
Go on, you deserve it.