2017 might be coming to an end, and so are my dreams of ever finding a happy ending.
As I pretend that my seventh glass of champagne is only my second, it’s time for me to ask those questions all over again — what do I remember 2017 by? The number of boys I ghosted? The number of boys who broke my heart? The bad decisions I woke up to (and with)? The bottles of prescription drugs I wolfed? The shots I downed to forget? The hangovers I’ll never be able to forget? The hours I spent at therapy after? The resolutions I vowed to make? The resolutions I’ll effectively break?
As gay men (such as myself) parade into the New Year making resolutions (and asking questions) that we’ll only give up on a week later, here are a few that I hope that don’t get lost in the sea of confetti, cheap champagne and regrets.
Want to know what they are?
Simply slide into 2018 with this queer guy’s guide to NYE resolutions (but not like those ugly d*ck pics that slide into your Instagram DMs):
1. Ditch the dating apps, but don’t ditch out on the dates.
There really is a high chance you’ll find the next big love of your life at the bookstore, or your favourite neighbourhood bar (and we won’t judge you even if it happens at the gym.)
2. Then again, don’t lie about your age, height or weight on your online dating profile.
72 kilograms are sexy, and so are you.
3. Don’t dismiss someone who’s considerably older or younger than you are.
But make sure he’s legal.
4. Put an end to the ‘New Year, new me’.
You’ll always be you. If people could change overnight, we would never have so many seasons worth of great television.
5. Be a nicer person. If you can’t, try till you succeed.
Gay men have the potential to be a lot of things – charming, well dressed, effortless, established, articulate, artistic or even high on drugs. But still, a lot of us choose to be douchebags.
6. Take an active interest in politics.
Because some of these decisions actually prevent gay men and women from receiving equal rights; which is just plain sad.
7. Let your biggest regret this year be not eating that last cupcake.
But you should go ahead and eat it anyway.
8. Stop answering texts from the ex.
There’s a word for it. It’s called ‘ghosting’.
9. Read more, but don’t read more into what other people said to you.
Books are sexy and mysterious, just like the hot guy who makes eye contact with you at the bar (and then disappears forever). Reading online lists doesn’t count though, unless you are reading this one.
10. Do something that frightens you, not someone who frightens you.
The list can include learning how to tap dance, skydiving and eating alone at a restaurant. Things the list should not include? Having unprotected sex with a complete stranger.
11. Exercise for health, not your crush’s phone number.
If you want those six pack abs that you can eat sushi off, make sure you are doing it for yourself (side note: even though eating sushi off your stomach can be quite unsettling).
12. Be okay with being single.
There’s always 2018. And 2019. And 2020. And 2021. And so on.
13. Understand that brands don’t make the man, manners do.
Very few men who have the latest Louis Vuitton bag will want to hear about your day at work.
14. Don’t be afraid to end a relationship that’s not going anywhere.
Especially when the only place it’s going is downhill, with prescription bills.
15. Actually enjoy experiences, instead of just Instagramming them.
And if the ratatouille doesn’t look as good as it does under the Aden filter, don’t eat it.
16. Tell the next boy you like how you really feel about him.
The world would have more romances if lesser people were scared of sending two text messages in a row.
17. Stop all the self-hating.
If there’s one thing that I love more than money, it’s myself.
18. Be happier.
Go on, you deserve it.