Dear Gay Men, Are You Addicted to Grindr?

Grindrophile.jpg

 

‘Are you a Grindrophile?’

If you’ve already been asked this question and are reading this column, purging through dating hacks and lists, the answer is probably yes. Which brings us to question number two — if Grindr was a boy, would you date him?

Don’t bother checking out his profile, there’s only one way to find out.  Every point you rack up on this super special-edition Grindr Bucket List Game brings you one step closer to having an epiphany — the same one that begs you to end it once and for all, and delete the beauty that Grindr is.

Simply add up a point for every question you answer with a ‘Yes’ and tally your final score with our results below. Are you ready?

Here we go!

1. Checked your Grindr as soon as you reach a new location.
2. Checked Grindr on a pee-break.
3. Or a lunch break at work.
4. Cursed the bad network and your neighbours when Grindr doesn’t load.
5. Gotten upset over not having any messages when you log in.
6. Gotten excited because you have more than 20 when you do.
7. Had a blank profile.
8. Laughed at someone with a blank profile.
9. Messaged someone with a blank profile just because you are horny.
10. Lied about your height.
11. Lied about your weight.
12. Lied about both.
13. Spent hours coming up with the perfect profile thinking it’d help you find your soul mate.
14. Have still been asked for sex right after.
15. Said you were ‘Only looking for friends’ but not really meant it. Hello, hot hookup!
16. Mentioned you were ‘straight-acting.’
17. Ditched a date midway because they are ugly.
18. Been ditched.
19. Asked if someone’s into ‘High Fun?’
20. Been asked if you are into ‘High Fun?’
21. Said you are ‘Sane and sorted’ on your profile.
22. Blocked someone for saying they are ‘Sane and sorted’ on their Grindr profile.
23. Been approached for a threesome.
24. Approached someone for a threesome.
25. Been approached for an ‘Orgy’ or ‘Group Fun’.
26. Approached someone for an ‘Orgy’ or ‘Group fun’.
27. Been approached for a massage.
28. Been approached by an escort.
29. Felt bad about not being approached by either.
30. Just met someone for sex.
31. Dated someone off Grindr.
32. Made a friend through Grindr.
33. Had a torso picture up.
34. Objectified a torso picture.
35. Had a catchphrase for Grindr.
36. Used the catchphrase on the same person twice (and not even apologizsd.)
37. Told someone you were ‘home alone’.
38. Asked someone if they were.
39. Said you were looking for ‘Right Now’.
40. Said you were looking for ‘Nothing.’
41. Just said you were ‘Looking.’
42. Been asked whether ‘you got plc?’
43. Been asked whether ‘you got pics?”
44. Replied to either.
45. Replied to neither.
46. Not looked anything like your Grindr picture.
47. Scoffed at someone for not looking anything like his Grindr picture.
48. Know all the men in your neighbourhood by heart.
49. Blocked 10 men every day religiously.
50. Cursed when you can’t block the 11th person for the day.
51. Wished you had Grindr Xtra so you could block more.
52. Downloaded Grindr Xtra to do so.
53. Hooked up with a Grindr date during work hours.
54. Hooked up with a Grindr date before work hours.
55. Hooked up with a Grindr date at work.
56. Not replied to someone’s polite message on Grindr.
57. Been angry when someone doesn’t reply to yours.
58. Been catfished.
59. Catfished someone.
60. Been asked whether you are ‘Top or Bottom’ after saying hello.
61. Asked someone the same question after saying hello.
62. Dreamt of marrying someone you’ve met off Grindr.
63. Cried in the shower when that didn’t work out.
64. Found someone new on Grindr the very next day.
65. Had a holiday hookup in a foreign location through Grindr.
66. Searched for a café with free Wi-Fi in said foreign location to check your Grindr messages.
67. Sent a dick pic.
68. Asked for a dick pic.
69. Had a shirtless picture.
70. Asked for a shirtless picture.
71. Blocked someone after either of the above.
72. Have a collection of pictures to send.
73. Lied about not having any pictures to send.
74. Looked for Birthday Sex.
75. Looked for Break-up Sex.
76. Looked for ‘Why not?’ Sex.
77. Had a conversation that went nowhere.
78. Had a conversation that went straight to bed.
79. Went straight to bed but had a conversation instead.
80. Used Grindr while at a meeting.
81. Used Grindr while on a night-out with friends.
82. Gotten out of a night out early for a Grindr hook-up.
83. Had an exasperating conversation on Grindr.
84. Screenshot said conversation and tweeted/Instagrammed it.
85. Stalked an ex through a blank profile.
86. Pranked a friend through a blank profile.
87. Blocked someone midway through a conversation.
88. Been blocked by someone midway through a conversation.
89. Sexted someone on Grindr.
90. Blocked them after finishing your business.
91. Lied about being single on Grindr.
92. Lied to your boyfriend about being on Grindr.
93. Have your boyfriend lie about being on Grindr.
94. Looked for someone on Grindr with your boyfriend.
95. Saved multiple contacts under the Grindr pseudonym.
96. Gotten confused and saved two people under the same name.
97. Deleted the contacts in a moment of disgust.
98. Deleted Grindr in a moment of disgust.
99. Facebooked about leaving Grindr.
100. Got back in a moment of exasperation a couple of months later.

Excited to know what your final scores mean? Read on to uncover whether you are a Missionary, or love everything missionary:

Your score: 1- 25 Grindr Points

What it says about you: Wow! You seem to be doing just fine. In fact, if you weren’t reading this post, I would have thought you were a born-again virgin. But beware, boy, Grindr is the deep, dark end of the web that sucks you in before you know it. And not in the way, you like it.

Your score: 26-50 Grindr Points

What it says about you: While you are used to the occasional lunch break tryst off everyone’s favourite sexting app, you seem to have everything under control. But I still see you using the eggplant emoji, mister. I’ve got my eyes on you.

Your score: 51-75 Grindr Points

What it says about you: You’ve not reached the fag end of the pool, but you’re getting there. While you might check Grindr every couple hours, remember that you are one sex tape and two threesomes away from being the app’s resident Lindsay Lohan.

Your score: 76-100 Grindr Points

What it says about you: Step away from your phone as slowly as you can, sir, and put your hands up in the air. You’re being taken in for Grindr addiction. Now would you like a pat down or a full body cavity search?

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