There are a great number of great men in this world.
You can probably count them on one hand. In this haystack of hot men (or lack thereof), there are sadly, only a few shiny needles that you want to take back home. Unfortunately, the world is full of wrong men that you’d never want to see ever again, in a haystack or otherwise.
Is there a test that helps you sort out the frogs from the fresh-faced Prince Charmings? Not really, but if your potential playmate checks off any of the items of this list then it’s probably a good idea to leave him in the pond you found him in.
So never date a man who…
- Addresses the wait staff rudely.
A wise man once said, ‘Never judge a man by how he treats his equals, but by how he treats his inferiors.’ Okay, it was Sirius Black in the Goblet Of Fire.
2. Calls you ‘baby’.
You see that tremor on my face? It’s not love. And never will be.
3. Wears slippers with trousers.
You know that moment when you see slippers sticking out of trousers? It’s that precise moment when my mind shuts down and I start singing Taylor Swift’s ‘We Are Never Getting back Together’ in my head, when in actuality, I am singing sweet nothings into the boy’s ears.
4. Uses more than one hash tag in a tweet.
#It #Is #Not #Cool #When #You #Talk #Like #This.
5. Has drunken stories from Tuesday night.
No one should ever have drunken stories from a Tuesday night. They aren’t called the Terrible Tuesdays without a reason, are they?
6. Posts more than one selfie a week.
Negative credits if any of these are included: the duck face, gun flexing, trial room testing and the classic ‘t-shirt lift to reveal a bed of abs’.
7. Tells you that Murakami is his favourite author.
He’s probably only read Norwegian Wood.
8. Doesn’t eat the crusts of his pizza.
Picky eaters never make for good lovers. Trust me. Also, that crust? That’s sex on a plate.
9. Doesn’t really have friends his age.
You know what that means? It means that entire generations of people have obviously avoided him for a reason.
10. Repeats his jokes.
If people didn’t laugh at your joke the first time, it’s obviously because they didn’t get it. Right?
11. Signs off his emails with an inspirational quote he’s picked off the Internet.
Are we living in 2002 again? Keep it simple, crisp and end it with your last name.
12. Expects you to instantly fall in love with all his favourite things.
‘Oh wow, Quantum Physics is so much fun,’ said no one ever.
13. Says he is always busy.
You know what he actually is? Full of excuses.
14. Starts off a story with, ‘That one time I beat someone up…’
15. Thinks that women are feminists because they want it easy.
I am sorry, but you have it easy because you are a male chauvinist pig.
16. Thinks that it’s cool to make racist jokes.
The only thing that is even less funny than him is my diet.
17. Texts you way too much.
‘I am bored.’
‘What did you have for lunch?’
‘Are you busy?’
18. Sneezes without covering his mouth.
Get out of this faster than his germs get to you.
19. Doesn’t like brunch.
Only evil, heartless people don’t like brunch.
And restaurant owners who have lunch deals.
20. Thinks that Instagram is a waste of time.
Hello, you are a waste of time.
21. Only texts you post-midnight.
No, he’s not texting you to wish you good night, he’s texting you to find out whether he can come over. But not in a romantic ‘Should-I-get-you-soup?’ kind of way.
22. Uses the word ‘fetch’ in conversation.
Stop trying to make ‘fetch’ happen, Gretchen.
23. Hasn’t watched Mean Girls ever.
If you haven’t watched this Tina Fey beauty, which defines the crux of every gay person’s high school years, we are no longer friends. You can’t sit with us!
24. Tries to dress sexily at the gym.
We do not care if your vest matches your shoes, sir, but can I use the treadmill, please
25. Writes listicles about what kind of men not to date.
Sounds like a total douchebag, but I’ve heard he’s a good kisser.
Do you think there are even more wrong men out there for everyone here? Tweet me and let me know!