What do you look for when you are looking for a great man?
Bright eyes? Undeniable wit? A smile that reaches his eyes? Billboard-style white teeth? An Instagrammable face? An ability to make you laugh and swoon at the same time? A closet full of expensive, Italian shoes that fortunately fit you too? A trust fund (that would be me, sorry)?
The list might be endless, but we all have our checklists ready when we are looking for our potential plus one.
While I can’t personally tell you whom you should be dating (because your life, your choice), I can definitely warn you against these 25 douchebags to look out for, and swerve around. Why?
Let’s just say that these men are so bad; they’d make me look like a nice person. Do you want to know more?
So without much further ado, never date a man who…
1. Says he secretly judges people who haven’t had ‘avocado on toast’.
You know what else they’ve not had? First world problems.
2. Adds an inspirational Internet quote to his display picture on Facebook.
I am sorry, but Rumi’s poetry doesn’t go very well with your shower room selfie at the gym.
3. Always brings up that one time you didn’t answer his call.
Especially in the middle of a fight, two years later. Even though he knew you were burying your beloved dead cat. All alone.
4. Substitutes his abs for a personality.
And while these abs (all six of them) might be dashing and full of manners in bed, they’d have a really difficult time having a conversation with your friends.
5. Says ‘Heeheehee’ instead of ‘Hahahaha’.
It just makes it sound like he-he-he’s up to something.
6. Corrects people’s grammar on Grindr.
He’s not at a book club; he’s only here to be sexually objectified like everyone else. If he wants to look more uppity, he could have his college degree up as his profile picture.
7. Pesters everyone he knows to say anonymous things to him on sayat.me.
How about sayat.me not?
8. Has his single malt with cola.
You never want that kind of negativity in your life.
9. Says something like ‘my ex is the reason why I haven’t been able to emotionally connect with anyone else ever since’.
Said every red flag ever.
10. Comments on YouTube videos.
And then gets upsets or sulks continuously when it doesn’t get enough up votes.
11. Surprises you with a threesome for your birthday.
Where the third is his ex boyfriend.
12. Uses the hash tag #NotAllMen
And still claims to be a feminist. Ugh.
13. Forwards you Whatsapp messages that need to be sent to ‘15 of your closest friends to avoid bad luck’.
Break out of the chain. Literally.
14. Wears glasses, even though he doesn’t have a prescription.
He says sapiosexual. I say douchebag.
15. Does not acknowledge his champagne breath.
Instead, offers you a breath mint as if you are dying of halitosis.
16. Claims to be a Twitter influencer.
Oh be still, my excitable heart — but make sure it’s in 140 characters or less.
17. Complains about how he had to skip out on the Justin Beiber concert because of work.
Maybe you should skip him instead?
18. Tells you that his favourite band is ‘an obscure indie one that you’ve probably never heard of ’ because they are that niche.
19. Is thrilled when he’s asked for his ID at the local pub.
Sure, some bored bartender validated your bag-free eyes, your lush head of hair and your perfectly lined teeth; but keep in mind he’s doing it only because he plans to earn that extra buck (or hundred) as a tip for being ‘such a darling’.
20. Sulks when you don’t compliment him for still fitting into his designer jeans from seven years ago.
Because his waist is not as large as his ego.
21. Is passive aggressive at the drop of a hat.
Including that one time you actually dropped his designer hat from Bloomingdale’s, and he asked you if you could be ‘a tad bit more careful’ the next time around. There was no next time around.
22. Calls himself a ‘connoisseur of fine men’.
That’s just a polite (and politically correct) way of saying he’s been around a lot.
23. Never calls his mother.
Unless she’s dead. Or abandoned him.
24. Disses you for listening to Lady Gaga.
But has Katy Perry’s Teenage Dream album favourited in his playlist.
25. Asks you for a picture on Grindr, even though his profile is blanker than John Abraham’s face.
And there’s a very high chance he doesn’t look like John Abraham either.