For every right guy that you would want to find, you’d find a hundred wrong ones.
Wrong men are everywhere. They are at the bar, buying you a drink. They are at the bookstore, flipping through the latest Murakami novel, while smiling at you from the corner of their eye. They are even writing these very words that you are reading right now.
Or maybe the wrong guy is doing one of these things, and you haven’t even realized it. So next time you think you are falling head-over-moccasin-heels with a potential Prince Charming, just be sure that you never, ever date someone who…
- Doesn’t shop at clearance sales.
Because I love spending multiple hours rummaging through stockpiles of clothes at reduced prices, just like I love spending multiple hours rummaging through my date’s deepest, darkest secrets.
- Calls himself a sapiosexual.
But then goes ahead and asks you for a picture of your junk the very next moment.
- Doesn’t like chicken biryani.
Because like they all say, do we really need that kind of negativity in our lives?
- Orders you your food on the first date without your permission.
Well if I want to eat two portions of fries with my double loaded beef burger, I will definitely eat it. Thank you very much for thinking that I’d prefer a chicken Caesar salad instead, okay?
- Who says ‘let’s get a cab,’ when you can easily walk.
Or says something like ‘Let’s walk it,’ when it actually does need to be a cab ride. An exceptionally long one.
- Has a ‘day for triceps’.
How about having a day for your personality instead?
- Tags a photo with the hash tag #InstaGay
Maybe you should take a picture with the hash tag #IWillNotUseThisHashTagAnymore?
- Talks lyk dis 2 evry1 he knws.
Think about it this way, every time you misspell a word on purpose, Zara reduces their clearance sale by a day.
- Congratulates you on your work anniversary on LinkedIn.
Because the only people who are allowed to congratulate you on your work anniversary are your bosses, your parents and that lone person who you added three years ago in the hope that you would get a job at their firm. But you never did.
- Posts things that begin with ‘But you know that Donald Trump does have a point…’
Sigh. We all know that Donald Trump will never ever have a point, and so should you.
- Doesn’t proofread his tweets or Facebook posts.
There’s nothing more gut wrenching than a typo that stares you in your face at 2 am, just like a deep-rooted insecurity would.
- Thinks that a beer is validation enough to get into your pants.
Try eight beers; two bottles of wine and a double set of jaeger bombs, you sweet summer child.
- Tags Instagram photos with #FeelingUgly when in fact, he looks like he’s just walked down the ramp for Calvin Klein.
Because real people have real problems – like how to get the toothpaste tube to squirt out that last bit of paste right at the end of the tube.
- Talks way too much about his ex.
He’s still not over him – it’s as simple as that. And you should get out of the picture, before he gets back under him.
- Hasn’t deleted his Google Plus profile yet.
If he hasn’t had time to delete his erstwhile profile from the dregs of the Internet, he’s obviously never going to have time for you.
- Doesn’t get the ‘Winter Is Coming’ reference.
Whatever happened to the good old nineties, back when geek culture was cool? Valar Morghulis, anyone?
- Loves telling you that he consumed only 1100 calories today.
Counting is appropriate only when it happens in math equations, pedometers and while splitting restaurant bills between groups of five or more – otherwise, it’s just plain unhealthy. In other news, I had 800 calories today, just for breakfast.
- Tells you he’ll never be ready for relationship.
He really, never will be. Trust me.
- Sends you regular naked selfies on Snapchat
Relax. He’s probably sending it to a dozen other boys just like you. And if he isn’t, why are you dating someone who sends you naked selfies everyday in the first place?
- Wears sunglasses indoors.
Like Larry David once famously said, ‘you know who wears sunglasses indoors? Blind people and douchebags.’
- Says things like ‘The only animals I like are the ones on my plate…’
- Doesn’t know what ‘Netflix and Chill’ means.
Unless he’s meta, and all he actually wants to do is really just watch Netflix and just chill.
- Scorns at you for staying in the suburbs.
If the pin code is going to be a problem, so is the boy with the problem.
- Claims to be a vegan.
But occasionally eats ice cream on weekends. And the lone chicken burger every other month.
- Doesn’t know the difference between your and you’re.
Unless it’s Rachel Green from Friends – never give up an opportunity to go out with Jennifer Aniston, even if you are a raging homosexual.
So how many boys have been debunked yet?