The Survivor’s Guide To Everything You See People Do On Grindr

 

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Airport romances. Proposals at the Eiffel Tower. Underdogs fighting it out against the odds. Triple chocolate fudge cake.

As people we’ve always loved our clichés, especially when we become one. So when it comes to our love (and sex) lives, it’s not a surprise to see the hackneyed habit-forming animals that we tend to be. Whether you are a first time rookie looking for your seven minutes in Heaven or a Tinder thespian who’s looking for a partner to adopt a dog with, here are twenty-five of the most likely things you will see on every dating app in the world:

  1. ‘Sapiosexuals preferred.’

Over a bottle of wine, he’d tell you how he absolutely loves Stephen Fry’s ideas on Theoretical Physics and Stephen Hawking’s comic timing.
And then he would ask you for a dick pic.

  1. Someone who sends you the same picture five times.

And doesn’t do it accidentally.

  1. Someone who uses a celebrity’s picture.
    And you know it’s not Ranveer Singh in real life, because you checked. And now you have a restraining order.
  1. ‘No time wasters plz,’

‘I don’t want to waste my time text-flirting with you over a week. I am top, muscular and raring to go. How about calling me over right now?’

  1. An impossibly good looking man who looks like he would rather live on a deserted island for the rest of his life than sleep with you.

But you go ahead and hit on him anyway.

  1. ‘I don’t know what to say here.’
    Do you like to read? Are you outgoing? What’s your idea of the perfect date? What are you looking for on Grindr? Life is full of questions that need to be answered, especially on your dating profile.

    If you really can’t come up with a 250-character description about your life, you really don’t have much to say about yourself. There are just two words for you: not interested.

  1. A headless torso

With abs that look like they’ve been carved out of stone, most likely just like his brain.

  1. A selfie in front of a dirty, bathroom mirror.

And if you stare closely, you can even see his bottle of hemorrhoid cream on the stand.

  1. ‘I am discreet and looking for the same’.

‘ I am married and don’t mind something on the side, as long as you don’t take pictures and send them to my wife,’

  1. ‘I am discrete and looking for the same’.

‘ I am married and I could also do with a dictionary.’

  1. The hash tag #Masc4Masc

Well, I think I should leave my feather boa, Doris Day records and the curling iron behind on our first date, and make jocular conversation with someone who is clearly an insecure homophobe.

Though douchebags might not come with disclaimers, sometimes a discriminating hash tag is more than enough.

  1. Says he’s ‘not into hookups.’

He’s definitely into hookups, and is looking for one as you read this sentence.

  1. ‘Looking for a gym buddy.’

‘I have a boyfriend, but I don’t mind doing the dirty deed on the bench press. Lay out the yoga mat, will you?’

  1. An invitation for group fun.

Think of it as a twisted men-only version of Bachelor in Paradise, only it’s not.

It’s an orgy.

  1. The couple with the open relationship.

Happily in love and looking for a third, although both of them have secret profiles individually that the other doesn’t know about.

  1. ‘I’ve been told I am a very big boy, if you know what I mean.’

Yes, the whole world knows exactly what you mean, including the Queen of England, your grand aunt’s second cousin and your mother.

  1. A barrage of great conversation starters.

‘Hi. Hi. Hello. Hey. Hi. U Der? Hi. Hey. Hi. Hi. Hello. Wassup? Ssup? Dick pic?’

  1. ‘Sane and sorted’.

‘I will block you if you ask me something that offends me even slightly. Want to go get a beer?’

  1. Someone with photos shot professionally.

His brother is an upcoming photographer with a DSLR.

  1. ‘Please have a face picture’

‘Please don’t be as ugly as you sound on text’.

  1. A professional massage.

And if you ask politely, you get a happy ending.

  1. A bicep-flexing picture from the gym.

It’s most likely chest day.

  1. Drugs.

One minute you are chatting casually, and the very next you are in Pablo Escobar’s drug cartel – getting offered everything from the basics to stuff that can power up a rocket engine.

  1. Someone who asks for your number way too soon.

‘Hi! Nice picture! Care to share digits?”

  1. ‘ Looking for a reason to delete this app’.

And he will, only to come back again after a few months.

Just like I did.

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