As you reel out of your Valentine’s Day hangover and pull out the last of the heart-shaped confetti from your hair, know that the worst is behind. You can finally make peace with the fact that you will sip your way through a cat-filled life in the suburbs.
As you brew your pot of peppermint tea and lay out a platter of biscuits, here are a further 25 men that you should swipe left on, this side of Valentine’s Day:
- Has an Instagram account for his dog.
And Fido, the golden retriever probably has more Instagram followers than his actual profile does.
- Talks incessantly about his FitBit.
Usually starts off a conversation by telling people that he’s ‘only five thousand steps away from reaching his goal for the day’. Take a cue from him, and get as many steps away from him as you can.
- Has a baby picture up as his display picture on Facebook.
People usually choose their best possible picture as their profile façade – if he feels that he peaked when he was in his diapers, there’s something deeply unsettling about him.
- Asks you whether you are #TeamKanyeWest or #TeamTaylorSwift?
The correct answer to this question should be #TeamNeither.
5. Complains about splitting the cheque when out with a group of friends.
But if someone orders the most expensive rib eye steak and a bottle of Vueve Clicquot while you nibble away on a garden salad and iced tea, and still wants to split the bill equally – you’ve met the devil incarnate himself.
- Retweets inspirational quotes.
And more importantly, thinks that Gautam Buddha actually said all of them.
- Doesn’t match his ‘carpet with his drapes’.
Negative points if he doesn’t know what that means.
- Sends a template Valentine’s Day greeting to his entire contact list.
When a man messages ‘Happy VD to you!’ to everyone on his phone, it’s probably a good time to get really, really scared – head straight to your local clinic to get you STD tests done.
- Thinks that texting you the entire lyrics of Drake’s Hotline Bling counts as flirting.
- Send you a Candy Crush request.
Send him back to 2012 where he belongs.
- Uses a Victoria’s Secret bag for grocery shopping because he thinks ‘it’s liberating’.
It probably belongs to his mother.
- Is considering going on a Keto diet.
You should consider leaving him, because he’s going to make you go on a keto diet too. If you can’t have any more ice cream, he can’t have you.
- Says YOLO.
And tells you that you have FOMO when you ask him whether he means it ironically.
- Prefers Beyoncé’s version of Back to Black to Amy Winehouse’s.
- Painstakingly reviews all the restaurants he’s visited on Zomato.
And ends up giving them all five stars, because ‘they have authentic Japanese food! Great sushi!’
- Asks you whether you got your good looks from your father.
And then automatically asks you whether he has a Facebook profile.
- Acts suspicious when you ask to use his phone for an urgent phone call.
Be prepared to unearth a treasure trove of unsolicited dick pics that he’s probably sending out to everyone (but you.)
- Has a ‘I am going to be in a picture!’ face.
It probably involves a pout.
- Remembers the last time he puked out the contents of his vodka-lined stomach like it was yesterday.
Because it actually was.
- Puts out ‘thank you’ messages to birthday wishes on Facebook before it’s actually over.
But you can’t complain, because he starts off the day with a ‘Happy Birthday to me’ post at midnight.
- Uses a bathroom selfie as his display picture on Grindr.
Let’s give bonus points for someone who doesn’t get their hemorrhoid cream out of the way. Also, just while we are at it, your ‘toothpaste splash’ is not a great Instagram filter.
- Checks in on Facebook whenever he’s at a new place.
And actually does it twice when he’s at the airport.
- Mentions that he’s ‘proficient at Microsoft Office’ in his resume.
It’s like being really good at making instant noodles.
- Takes too much time deciding what he wants to eat at the restaurant.
And ends up ordering the Caesar salad every single time.
- Believes that #AllLivesMatter makes more sense.
Congratulations! You are dating a straight, white man.