The Guysexual’s Guide: Every Possible Guy’s Handbook For Attending Pride

 

Pride

Today’s a special day.

Is it my birthday? Is it the day Bradley Cooper finally tells me he loves me? Is it the day I inherit a trust fund? Is it the day I find the miracle cure to obesity?

No. It gets better.

Today is Mumbai’s annual LGBT Pride parade – the city’s ninth, with more than 7000 people marching in from across the city (and the world) – it’s the day we all get to stand together for equality. Stand together for basic rights. Stand together for love, but most importantly; stand together because we make a really good-looking picture.

That includes you, straight folks. Are you a red-blooded heterosexual who doesn’t understand why he needs to walk the talk? (‘Why do I need to meet gay guys?’ the average straight bloke would guffaw in my face, ‘How will it help me?’)

Support for your LGBT friends aside, here are four selfish reasons why you need to keep those PlayStations away and walk for Pride today:

  1. We’ll motivate you to join the gym if you haven’t already.

Let me tell you a secret. We got to Cross Fit when you were still struggling with crunches – it’s no surprise that gay men are more aware of their bodies than their straight counterparts. We might come in all shapes and sizes, but we’ll still make sure we look the best version of ourselves whichever way we are packaged – we are giftwrapped with gym memberships and protein supplements.

And we also do Pilates. Forty-five minutes at Pride can do what hours of staring at fitness videos on YouTube can’t. After that, a few months of motivation is all you need to end up looking like the next big underwear model.

2. Get style advice straight from the expert!

When your idea of making a style statement is cycling through your three Zara shirts with a pair of cream khakis, you need help. I am not saying every gay man is a writer with GQ magazine, but when it comes to fashion, we have the common sense not to wear socks with our sandals. Pride walk is the fashion parade that tells you what works and what doesn’t.

Want to know what colour belt works with your Italian shoes? Do stripes really go with spots? What’s the point of wearing a bow tie? Now you know whom to turn to, oh sweet summer child, so keep your Crocs where they rightfully belong.

Back in your closets.

  1. Find a gay best friend

Carrie Bradshaw isn’t the only person who needs a gay best friend – everyone could do with one. We know the best places to get brunch, we understand how cufflinks work and we’ll honestly tell you what not to say to your girlfriend when she’s threatening to break up with you. We are the Chandler to your Joey, without the girlfriend who got in the way.

  1. And finally stop being homophobic and go!

Fashion tips and gym buddies aside, the main reason you should go walk the pride is to show your support for the LGBT community. Contrary to popular belief, the gay men who are at the parade won’t hit on you. They won’t even look at you. We have other important things to worry about – like inequality and basic rights.

Also, walking for the LGBT Pride won’t make you gay – because surprisingly, things don’t work that way. Throw those old fashioned ideas in the trash can and step out. We did it ages ago, and let me tell you that it’s very fulfilling.

Or at least most gay men did.

‘Why should I go?’ asks Jai, a flamboyant digital marketing manager who’s a year older, but eons cuter. ‘I am not an activist; plus it’s a Saturday afternoon, I’ll rather sleep in!’ he sips at his peppermint tea, handing me his almond biscotti.

Sigh. If only his sensibility matched his swagger.

If like Jai, you are one of the many gay men who don’t think it’s their calling (or place) to participate in the parade, don’t fret. I’ve got you covered too. Here are a few reasons for you to pull back those bed covers and pull up your socks just in time for the walk today:

 

  1. It gives you the same sense of belonging that a clearance sale does.

 Let’s face it – you might love your straight friends to death, but they’d never be able to relate to the bad Grindr date you had last week, the one with the man who thought it’d be okay to get his ex along.

It’s different at the parade – here, as you are surrounded by fun (read: fabulous) people who are just like you, you feel the same way you felt when you bought clothes at half price. Do you know what that lovely feeling is?

It’s the overwhelming sense of community. The feeling that you belong.

Without any dates with exes involved.

  1. It’s better than finding love on Grindr.

Sick of rummaging around the dregs of online dating, sifting through the same pool of shirtless men?

You have more chances of running into the love of your life here than you have of having a decent, fulfilling conversation on Grindr. Can you imagine the possibilities of not having your heart broken by yet another torso that asks you for ‘a dick pic?’

Well, now you can. How about you go say hi to the cute boy waving the pride flag across the road instead? You no longer need to lie to people about meeting your future boyfriend at Starbucks.

  1. A chance to dress fabulously.

Remember that multicoloured jacket you drunkenly bought online after a bitter break-up and an even bitter bottle of wine?

Now’s your chance to tear out the plastic wrapping and wear it like you own it (side note: because in this case, you actually do.) Pride’s the perfect excuse to be proud of your identity and keep the inhibitions at bay – feather boas or floral shirts, if you think you can pull it off, pull it out of your closets right now.

  1. And finally stop the internalized homophobia.

 The only people who hate gay men more than bigoted straight men are gay men themselves. The twinks hate the chubs. The bears hate the cubs. The intellectuals hate the social butterflies. The mascs hate the femmes. The models hate the geeks. The activists hate the slackers. The queens hate the discreet. And everyone hates me.

It’s finally time to end the internalized homophobia, guys, and there’s no better place to start than walk for Pride itself. What about me?

I’ll see you at the finish line.

 

 

 

 

Pssst. Did my words stir you enough to attend? Here are a few quick details for you if you plan to swing by The LGBT Pride Parade later today:

 

Where: August Kranti Maidan, grant Road, Mumbai – 4000036.

 

When: Saturday 28th January, 3 PM onwards!

Hello, 2017: Every gay man’s wish list for the new year

2017

 

Hello, 2017.

Sorry for getting here late, but can we call for some aperitifs?

We might have said our goodbyes to 2016 with a list of resolutions only last week, but I’ve a habit of replacing my calendars faster than I replace my boys. As I bring in the New Year with anti-hangover pills and super-sized bottles of water, here are a few of my out-of-the-spotlight hopes for a more fabulous, less frightening 2017:

1. A dating app that people honestly use to find real dates.

Goodbye, Grindr. It was great knowing you, but I think it’s not working out.

Whatever happened to good ol’ fashioned dating, you ask? 2016 did. Most dating apps are breeding grounds for fuckboys (and other such men) who’d rather have you than the crème brulee you plan to share with them after dinner. How about we go for a movie, have tacos at a concession stand and laugh over how great a time we had over dessert before I decide whether or not I want to be your dessert?

2. A goodbye to Section 377

While Section 377 bans consensual sex between any two gay men, what it really bans is my hope for the future of humanity. It’s finally time to say goodbye to the century old law, just like it’s time to say goodbye to the ex who never called back after the seventh date.

PS: Let’s just keep the regression to our primetime soaps for now?

3. More LGBTIQ inclusive curriculum in schools

Can you imagine a world where boys don’t get bullied for being effeminate? Where derogatory terms aren’t passed around like a joint during recess? Where social hierarchy does not push all the LGBT kids to the bottom rung of the ladder? Where it’s cool to wear brogues to class? Where gay is a quaint little synonym for ‘happy’, not a slur that gets thrown around at school (like I did)?

Neither can I, which is why it is important to pave way for more LGBTIQ inclusive curriculum in schools. The more you expose kids to gay culture; the more sensitive men (and women) you raise for the world (and for theatre).

4. A friendly neighbourhood gay bar

No, we don’t want a bar that seeks us out every other Saturday of the month — we want a bar where we can be ourselves every day of the week. Although we might like drinks and drunken banter at the niche pub halfway across town, we’d love it a lot more if we could have them without the masks and your musky colognes.

5. Fewer stereotypes in cinema

There’s a small part of my brain that plays Karan Johar’s Dostana on loop whenever I feel too cocky about my sexuality. While the Indian film industry could do with equal pay for both men and women, it could also do with gay characters that aren’t the husband-snatching, diva-quoting caricatures that they are often shown to be.

Fawad Khan’s deliciously well-written (and well essayed) role in 2016’s classic Kapoor and Sons is a great place to begin, and 2017 should only welcome more such roles (and actors). What would the movie theatres welcome then?

Me.

6. Clearance sales that actually count

Know that feeling when you walk into a high-end store that boasts of a massive 70 percent discount only to walk out 15 minutes later because it’s only valid on the white V-neck that is two sizes too small?

I bet you do. Let 2017 be that year when a cashmere sweater isn’t as expensive as a two-week trip to Kashmir, and the only thing that is out of my budget is the ridiculously cute store manager who stands by the scarves.

7. A gay man’s handbook for love, sex and relationships that is the norm.

How soon do you text someone back after a great date? Is it okay to wear plaid on a first date? How do I separate the bad boys from the lot? Do I put out before the third meeting? What should my beside drawer hold? Do I ask too many questions? What we really need are answers to all of these and more — maybe a Lonely Planet-like guide for lonely men?

Honestly, 2017 is the year when we could all do with a dating manual, so that the next time we all get our hearts broken (and it will happen again), we know exactly how to fix it back and try all over again.

Just like 2017 is.