Q. I’ve been trying to find friends on Tinder, but everyone I talk to seems to think that I only want to sleep with them. Help me out?
– K. Das
A. Most people like to think of Tinder as the supermarket for singles. You go up and down aisles, picking up the ones you look and swiping off the ones you don’t. Assume you are going to the market to buy avocadoes – you’d buy some, but then you would also end up buying cilantro. And maybe, even some jalapeños. (Side note: hey, maybe you are making some guacamole. In that case, call me over for dinner?) At the same time, some people come to only buy jalapenos. Or Oranges. Or Apples. Or even toilet paper (well, you get the gist.) Finding a friend is like buying jalapenos when you want to buy avocadoes at the supermarket – you don’t decide to, it just happens – unless you end up buying half the hypothetical supermarket, in which case you might need a therapist or just a break from Tinder. Different people want different things, and there’s always a high chance you’d find someone who wants to buy the same thing you do (to make guacamole). All this supermarket analogy aside, here are a couple of questions you have to ask yourself.
- Do you have a half-naked picture of yourself up as your display picture?
- Are you flexing your biceps in said picture?
- Have you ever asked anyone to come over for some ‘Netflix and chill’ without even knowing what Netflix (and chill) is?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, chances are finding a friend on Tinder is going to be more difficult than trying to read the news without having a snippet about Kim Kardashian in it. You just can’t help it.
Q. I might be falling in love with you. What should I do?
A. I’ve got one word for you (or three, if you are all about the technicalities) Salted caramel ice cream. I’ve settled for far less. And yet, if you don’t find the ice-cream flavour of my choice (or are too lazy to go buy it, extra brownie points for you for not caring enough), you can always forget everything I just said and use my age-old dating mantra for life:
‘Boo me to woo me’ – there’s nothing sexier than a man who knows how to battle wits and fight mettle with some good ol’ fashioned sass (only coming second to a man who knows how to ride a bike, and a man who knows the difference between ‘your’ and you’re’). Have a quick well-worded jab to throw at my face?
Go on. Let me have it. Sticks and stones make break my bones, but poisoned words make me harder.
Q. Can I find true love on Grindr?
A. People find love in the strangest places – at the supermarket (Excuse me, do you want to buy those turnips?), the coffee shop (Hey, is this seat taken?), the bar (Hi, this might sound weird but can I buys you a drink?) the book store (If you like that book, I know just the one that you should buy!) and sometimes even the dentist’s (I am here for a filling, what about you?)
Finding true love on Grindr is a lot like finding true love at any one of these places (Hello, Love your abs. Can we go get a drink?) – just because it happens online, doesn’t make it any less real – it’s like bumping into someone at the book store, only this is not a bookstore, and the bumping happens on the phone. (Side note: there’s a lot more bumping happening all around you, but let’s pretend we don’t notice it, shall we?)