Q. I might be in love with my best friend. What do I do?
What have all great Romcoms taught us (apart from the fact that bangs are cool, and you will most likely end up with your high school sweetheart)?
That it’s easier to fall in love with the best friend than it is to fit into a size Small during the Zara sale. But then again, life is no Romcom movie. (Least of all like You Got Mail, contrary to popular belief). Falling in love with the best friend is always a tricky thing – how close are the two of you to begin with? Do you watch an occasional movie together? Bitch out the new office intern during lunch hour? Braid each other’s hair while watching late night reruns of Grease? (Just kidding, no one braids each other’s hair anymore.)
Do gay best friends work the same way conventional best friends do? There’s always that thin shroud that cloaks every friend we come in contact with – it’s the diplomatic version of the friendzone, only politer. One minute you are both ogling at that cute boy sitting two tables away from you at the restaurant, and the other you are trying to awkwardly avoid each other. So what do you do if he doesn’t feel the same way?
The thing about great friendships is that they can withstand anything – so if your friend can’t deal with a confession and let it go, he probably wasn’t that great a friend to begin with.
If that happens, you can always have a cupcake.
Q. How soon is too soon to hook up with someone I met on Grindr?
Have I ever told someone that I am Grindr only to find a friend?
Have I laughed out loudly and then chugged a bottle of wine shortly after?
Let’s face it – Grindr is a ticking time bomb for sex, it’s not about the how or the why, it’s more about the when (and the where, but that is another story.) But you don’t either want to be a prick (Let’s skip dinner, shall we?) or a prude (why hello there, cobwebs of my underwear!) Somewhere between the wide spectrum of ‘I-know-what-his-younger-brother-does’ and ‘He-thinks-my-shirt-looks-great!’ is probably a good idea to bonk someone.
But hey, if you even give out to someone at ‘Hey-can-I-buy-you-a-drink’, no one’s going to judge you. (Unless the drink is a glass of cheap wine, in which case your choice of drink is more questionable than your choice of how easily you put out.)
Q. I really like this boy, but I think he might be out of my league. Should I go tell him anyway?
I am going to keep this short and simple. There’s only one question you have to ask yourself. Is the boy-in-question Bradley Cooper (or insert-superstar-heartthrob-of-your-choice)?
If the answer is no, then you should just go for it – If they say no, you’ll have a laugh about it two years later. (Unless you are Adele, in which case, you would want to write an album about it). And if your answer is yes, then 200 points to you for being friends with Bradley Cooper in the first place – that’s so much swag; it needs to be sold in a clearance sale. I say, just go for it.
Q. The Internet is abuzz with guesses at your real identity. Who do I believe?
If I had a rupee for every time someone told me they know who I am, I’d be a very rich man. (I’d also have a lot of loose change, but we can work our way around that.) I’d also not know who I am – that’s how many identities I have, or seem to. Who am I? Where do I come from? What is my life’s purpose? I am two questions short of having an existential crisis.
My only advice – Trust no one on the Internet (apart from yours truly, but of course.) If something isn’t up on this website, it’s probably not real (or me). What can I say?
The truth is out here. Or something likes that.